feel desperate. Please advise

MrsTinks

Well there's the reason... £1700 won't go far on coke or weed I'm afraid.
I've mentioned this before on here but my aunt passed away many years ago due to heroin abuse - for years she bled my great grandmother, and for a brief while my mum - thankfully my mum and dad were very practical and strong and as her mother had passed away she couldn't bleed her.
You cannot allow him to stay in your lives the way things are - you have a family that you have a responcibilty towards and he is old enough to take responcibility for his own actions and life. I understand why you struggle with letting him sort his own mess but right now he has a drug issue and I'm willing to bet that this is where the money has gone! And so long as he's addicted to them then THEY will be more important to him than anything else! It's so hard to understand if you haven't been round addicts but they honestly don't have the same morals as non addicts do...
And as for your husband wanting to physically hurt him... I can understand why he'd want to, but this can't be solved with violence. Not that many things can... I think your husband might need to think about some anger management classes...
Also make sure your son can't bleed his nan again - tell her what has happened and where you suspect the money has gone - explain to her that any money she gives him will go on drugs and not on what he says it's for! Everytime she helps him she's handing him a line of coke! If she wants to help him then she has to let him go until he realises he has a problem and HE asks for help to come off the drugs.

ExNicotineQueen

That explains a lot. I can’t offer any practical advice other than trying to perhaps talk to someone at the bank with regards to freezing interest/further charges on your account until you can sort out repayments to bring it back to normal. Coke and weed are very addictive. He’ll no more give them up until he is ready to. I feel for you, I really do. The only other obvious thing is to tell your mother (his grandmother) not to lend him any more money as she is only contributing to feeding his habit.

cobbingstones

Thank you for sharing your story. You are so right and believe me I feel I do not want to ever see him again. I've spoken to my mum on and on about what her money is buying but she gives it to him for a peaceful life.

My husband although not violent, hates what he does with a passion. This he feels would be the only way he will learn.

MM

foreign_correspondent

I really dont think you can hide this from your husband, it is his business and concern too.

Maybe your son needs to know how much he has upset you both, at the moment you are suffering all the consequences (financial problems, stress, anxiety, having to hide it etc) - bring it out in the open and stop protecting him.

foreign_correspondent

madsmum wrote: »

No all have been worn and most of it was just kids stuff.

MM

what do you mean, kids stuff? does he have a child?

MrsTinks

No worries
If your mum "wants an easy life" then could you look at getting a harassment order and basically stop him coming near her? Would she be willing to look into that? Addicts can be VERY pursuasive - trust me I know But it's liek dog training - if you let the dog have the treat/food/sofa/toy when he "demands" it then very soon he's learnt that behaviour A gets me nice thing B... So.... everytime I want A I have to do B!

I can understand why your husband hates what your son does - I've seen the changes it brings about and the effects on families. It's not nice EVER! Would I feel better for smacking him one? Probably But that's going to get him more symapthy from your mum and anyone else too - not to mention if he calls the police then suddenly the tables are turned on your husband - no matter how justified he was in hitting him in the first place! And right now you don't need that on top of everything else.

There is NO way to make an addict learn... the only things they will learn is how to get money from you - if your husband hits him then would you pay him money if he said he'd go to the police if you didn't? How long would you let him bleed you before it became too much?

MrsTinks

foreign_correspondent wrote: »

what do you mean, kids stuff? does he have a child?

No FC I think the OP bought stuff for her family - not her son. She has other children with her current husband The fact that he stole the money means she can't pay the catalog bill.

feelinggood_2

Perhaps you and your husband could get in touch with Fam Anon (http://www.famanon.org.uk/). "Families Anonymous is a world wide fellowship of relatives and friends of people involved in the abuse of mind-altering substances, or with related behavioural problems." - you'd be able to talk to families who have been through similar problems, and learn how to cope without resorting to violence.

I think that trying to calmly talk to your husband might help. Explain to him that if your Sons actions are driven my addiction, then there isn't anything either of you can do to 'teach him' any different. He will only change when he is ready. There are things you can do to protect yourselves though, and Fam-Anon can help.

whitewing

I definitely think you need to contact an agency (Fam Anon sounds good), to help you learn how to deal with your son's behaviour in the most appropriate way for you family. It would be ideal if your husband could be part of this too so you are working as a team. It will be difficult for your husband to deal with this, especially as it's not his own son because there may be personality traits that your husband doesn't understand.

RedBern

sorry to read this. Agree with other posters - you can't keep this from your husband. He'll be upset that you didn't tell him originally, but the deceit to keep it going will drive you mad - and you'll have to tell him eventually. If your son is doing drugs he's not likely to be able to pay you back. I'd give him an ultimatum, get back whatever money you can.