feel desperate. Please advise

cobbingstones

Hi all

I have had many many problems with my eldest son and now I feel I just can't cope any more. He is 19, working with his own room in a flat share but has no sense when it comes to money. He has often stolen from my mum, who then forgives him, a few weeks later he comes back and the cycle starts again. Four weeks ago he asked me to borrow £10 so he could go and get his birthday money from dad. I couldn't at that time go out due to one of the younger children being sick. So like a fool I gave him my pin and card and asked him to return it after he had received the money. He did not being it back, I called and called and received excuse after excuse. I for some reason could not believe that he would deceive me. I finally called the bank when I found an old statement with my details on, and to my utter horror and disbelieve that he had stolen £1700. I only had £300 in it which was my emergency money, that my husband didn't even know off.

I have managed to borrow £1000 from my brother, which I cannot return. But I'm being charged high rates from the bank for the unauthorised aoverdraft.

I feel dead inside. I actually called the police, but they could do nothing because I had given him the PIN. So I called him and went mad, and received promises of repaying, which I have not been given. I have a £850 catalogue bill which I now cannot pay and my husband knows nothing off (I told him my mum bought the stuff for us because we had nothing). If my husband finds out about what he's done he will phyically attack him. He's not his dad, and I am finding myself in a deep hole.

I feel so ashamed that i lied to my husband and I feel so hurt by my son.

Thank you for reading.

MM

MrsTinks

Hi Madsmum...
I don't know where to start... Do you know what your son spent the £1700 on? It's an awful lot of money?
Personally - and I appreciate that this might not be what you are prepared to do... I'd report the theft to the police... OK the bank won't do anything as you gave him your PIN, but the police might give him the fright of his life!
You need to tell your husband... he'll find out sooner or later, but it'll be better if it comes from you than he finds out when it's too late to help you one way or another.
I don't need to tell you that fibbing about the catalog bill was silly, I think you know that... And again I'd face the music now rather than later.
I'd give your son a call and basically give him till tonight to find at least half the money... and tell him you will not only tell your husband but also report the theft to the police. If he can't, doesn't or won't pay it then you call the police first and then once you have taken some active steps you tell your husband...

Good luck!

MrsTinks

OK guess you edited as I was writing... I would have thought that the police should have still done something despite you giving him your pin but I guess I'm wrong... In that case same as above - call him, give till tonight then tell your husband (and I'd still tell your son you'll call the police...) - you might still be able to go to something like small claims court which means if he doesn't repay it there are legal implications. That might be worth looking into... even if only to scare the living daylights out of him.

cobbingstones

Thank you for your comments Mrs Tine, much appreciated x

foreign_correspondent

Can any of the stuff be returned to the catalogue?

or even sold on ebay?

how much does he earn and pay out for rent? Can you make him set up a direct debit or stadning order weekly to pay you back? I think you need to talk to your husband about this TBH if you can.

cobbingstones

No all have been worn and most of it was just kids stuff.

He could pay me back if you really wanted too. Tried the DD and standing route but he never signs the agreement.

Just really worried about husbands reaction. I know he will go around and see him and punch him.

MM

whitewing

Have you actually stopped the card now? If not, you must do so.

It sounds as though this has happened over a period of time. I think you must tell your husband.

Could your son be on drugs? If so, you maybe need to contact a drugs charity to help you determine how best to help him, which won't include giving money that you can't afford.

ExNicotineQueen

Madsmum, the first issue you need to resolve is the unauthorised bank charges otherwise your balance is going to keep on escalating and what may have started off at £1700 may end up in £££’s being added on in charges. I’m guessing the £1k you borrowed from your brother is going towards paying off your bank balance? Or is it to pay off the catalogue debt?

Has your son said what he needed/spent the £1700 on? Without wanting to pry, I’m guessing the relationship between your son is not what it should be. Is there an underlying reason as to why he might have taken the money? e.g. drugs, gambling, fallen behind with his rent etc?

FingersCrossed_2

What a horrible situation madsmum. My parents have been in a similar situation with my sister. She somehow keeps managing to dupe them in to 'lending' her money for seemingly sensible things. However it always gets spent, never paid back and she never has anything to show for it. Latest was £100 for a deposit on a flat - now no flat, no money and nothing to show for the cash!

I agree that you should try and make him pay it back but know it will be very difficult. Would his dad be able to help at all? My sensible head tells me that you should tell him all the financial grief this is causing and explain why it is so horrendous. However I know it will probably make no difference. Sounds like he needs a good scare to me. I am not encouraging violence but maybe someone (the police, your husband or his dad) giving him a really hard talking too would work.

One thing, no matter what happens, never give him a single penny again.

cobbingstones

he's been on coke and weed for a number of years. I have contacted the relevant agencies but sadly he is not ready to pack these in.

Thank you

MM

cobbingstones

Hi

Yes card stopped. I have paid the 1k into the bank to try and stop the charges. The only way to reduce the fees is to apply for a loan. I cannot do this without my husband knowing.

Thanks all again
MM