Is it too late?

SallyCinnamon

Hi Debtmustgo, I also lost the spark with my ex and met someone else nearly a year ago and we're having our first baby at xmas. I'm a bit younger (35)but wasn't expecting to get pregnant as quickly or easily as I did.

I wish you all the very best with whatever you decide to do. Huge cliche, but life really is too short to regret not following your heart.

Ephemera

milliebear00001 wrote: »

Have you thought about having a child by yourself? What do you think about this option? You are right to think practically about the time constraints. You need to weigh up how you feel about lone parenting as opposed to the possibility of never having children.

I'm single, no kids for various reasons...and 37...

Personally speaking I would rather, where possible, have two parents to bring up a child. Apart from the benefits of having both female and male role models there are economic benefits. I would prefer to raise the child with the minimum of money taken from the rest of society - a child is a privilege, not a right. I feel it is irresponsible to have kids 'just because you want them' when not considering how YOU are going to provide for them... Society as a whole has enough drains on its' resources.

So needless to say I probably won't have kids...it's my own private choice but one I can have with a clear conscience. Not that it doesn't hurt...

Squish_21

You and your OH need to honestly discuss what you both want for the future whether that be together or apart.

Dont let your age affect the fact that you want child now because if you are with the wrong bloke it wont be any good for your happiness or for your baby to be brought into a 'family' like that.

debtmustgo

Well he's just in from work, he gave me a big hug and kiss.... I feel awful, the candles are lit, a casserole is in the oven, the fire is burning away it's all cosy but i just feel so empty.. he doesn't deserve this, he's a lovely guy, i could cry and never stop..

What will be, will be...

Thanks guys once again...

Sallycinnamon, congratulations and good luck!

x

ceridwen

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

I agree on this too only realistically the op may take longer to actually get pg at past the age of 40 maybe

On the cost/debt front it may be worth pointing out that although breastmilk is free this is not always the way things work out unfortunately - however I think the main cost of having a child is the going back to work and childcare cost or the not going back to work and loss of wage bit but I'm not sure this is even relevant here as the OP should be considering her relationship first in my opinion.

As for being a lone parent through choice or AI, I feel this is opening up all sorts of other issues - I'll probably get flamed for this but I feel that every child has the right to have both a mother and a father in their life - I appreciate others will feel differently.

A very good post - the only bit I would have added is that O.P. would need to be sure and certain her current partner is willing to be a father first - should she decide to go ahead and have a baby. Otherwise they could be a couple in theory - but in practice there would be one resentful father in the household.

Just wanted to put my two pennorth in here - just in case you do get flamed for stating the sheer commonsense viewpoint that every child deserves two parents. This is SO SO blindingly obvious that I honestly can't see why its not crystal clear to everyone.

If I'd wanted children (which I didnt) it would have been very clear to me that the order of priority was to first find the right husband for myself (which would include him wanting to be a father) and then have the baby with him subsequently - after marrying him. As I never did find the right man for me - then I am thankful I didnt want children in the event. If I had been desperate to be a mother - then I would never have had children BECAUSE the right man didnt come along - and I wouldnt have dreamed of having them on my own (even if I had plenty of money - I wish!).

ceridwen

Ephemera wrote: »

I'm single, no kids for various reasons...and 37...

Personally speaking I would rather, where possible, have two parents to bring up a child. Apart from the benefits of having both female and male role models there are economic benefits. I would prefer to raise the child with the minimum of money taken from the rest of society - a child is a privilege, not a right. I feel it is irresponsible to have kids 'just because you want them' when not considering how YOU are going to provide for them... Society as a whole has enough drains on its' resources.

So needless to say I probably won't have kids...it's my own private choice but one I can have with a clear conscience. Not that it doesn't hurt...

Another post I thoroughly agree with. Good on you girl for your principled stand.:T

pinkshoes

debtmustgo wrote: »

Thats a big age gap re your aunt from 18 to 44!

Even better, the child she had at 18 also had a daughter aged 18, (so she was a grandma at 36!), which means that when my aunt had her second two (my cousins), they were born uncles! Oh, her granddaughter, aged 17, has just given birth to her first child... so that makes her a great grandmother (aged 53), and her youngest child is just 9!

debtmustgo wrote: »

When i met him i was just out of a long term relationship, so if im being honest, i don't really know what my feelings were at the time, all i knew was that i'd met this lovely guy who was so different in comparison to my ex. Maybe there has never really been a spark, more like contentment i think.. I don't look at him and go wow, and want to rip his clothes off but is this normal anyway

I think that's pretty normal. I wouldn't say I wanted to rip my OHs clothes off when we first met (although he was cute!), but he was really funny, kind, caring, supportive etc... and I felt so at ease with him. Now after 4 years, he's like my soul mate, and yeah, I do really fancy him and get the urge to rip his clothes off.

The thing is, it's easy to find someone you fancy physically, but finding someone you click with personality-wise is SO much harder. If you can find both in one, even better!!:D

Maybe instead of sorting things out in your head first, talking to your OH might help sort your head out and realise what you want or don't want. It's best not to bottle these things up and be honest, coz otherwise he'll probably think you're happy the way things are.

Pssst

OK I read your post and your biggest issue is defining the realtionship which you have with this man. you keep saying you are good friends but you are also presumably great friends who are also lovers? It sounds like a partnership of mutual convenience. you both a great friends,you both satisfy eachothers needs for companionship and sex but there is that vital something missing. You know what it is dont you so say it,,you dont love him.

This hasnt really mattered until now but your body is going into alarm mode as your basic instincts to become a mother scream out at you to TAKE ACTION.

Time isnt on your sideYou have some choices;

(1) Accept that you will never have a child. A painful thought i'll wager ?

(2) Have the in depth conversation with this guy about the very basic elements of your partnership. this needs total honesty,something which has been conveniently lacking until now. The outcome might be,as i suspect,that he wouldnt consider having a child with you.

(3) Take the plunge,leave him,be true to yourself. Seek out another partner,hopefully get married and have that child,husband ,inner contentment and peace of mind that you crave. you probably still have a few years to make this happen. If you continue to procrastinate,it will not happen.

OK so you feel bad about telling the guy you dont love him. Why do you have sex with him? Presumably its satisfying for you or are you just satisfying his needs alone ? a kind of trade off-quid pro quo.