Is it too late?

glossgal

Glen0000 wrote: »

Have you thought about why it has taken you to be almost 40 to think about having kids? Why did you not discuss this 7 years ago? You were in your 30's then, not a teenager so I would imagine for most couples in their late 20's, 30;s kids would be high on the agenda,

Personally I would not want to start all that at 40, despite it being all the rage, as I am sure it is not an easy road.

Medically it may be possible, but if my wife told me she was pregnant at 40 I would be distraught, as would she.

Are you sure you are not just a little bored with life and need something new to do? Have you ever tried looking after an 18 month old for a few days to give you a taste of reality?

I think this is an excellent point. As someone in her early 30's with virtually no maternal instincts I am fairly confident that I don't want children but have still discussed it with my OH (who luckily is of the same persuasion!). I don't want to generalise but I would imagine it's quite unusual to suddenly get broody at this age?

I also agree with the boredom thing. My friends have all settled down in the last couple of years and it is isolating to be the 'odd one out' at this age and occassionally I will try to convince myself I should do it too-but then I know that's the wrong thing to do. That said I think people drastically underestimate the unspoken pressure on women to have children so it's not an easy one.

jules1213

On a positive note - I split up with my ex in Jan 07 met a new partner in April 07, fell in love, talked about my very strong desire to have children. He agreed to have another child and we got pregnant 1st month of trying in Oct 07. I am now 41 with the most beautiful daughter aged 17 months, and wonderful partner. Yes it is hard work but if thats is what you want it is all worth it.

My friend got pg on her first attempt with her new partner at 40. She now has a 15 month old little boy.

I would say avoid having children in a realtionship where the other partner does not - the relationship is likely to crash at a most stressful time. If he does not want children leave and get on with your life. Joining dating websites and get out there! Do you have any joint investments? House that you could try and sell - though now is not the best time to do that.

Also, you could get your fertility tested. Perhaps start with a home test, although not massively reliable may give you an idea. Also, just because you are ovulating does not mean your eggs are of good quality - but I don't want to worry you - I know what that feeling of wanting children so badly is like. You could look into freezing your eggs? Although at 40 they may not agree to do it.

If your eggs are not good quality you can use donated fertilised eggs/IVF at fertility clinic.

I wish you all the best - and hope you suceed in your dream to become a mum.

Jules x

debtmustgo

Hello again, and a big thankyou to everyone offering advice..
Well, last night, i was on a girly night and one of my friends was telling me that her neighbour has just had her 2nd child at the age of 44!
I know alot of people here think it's crazy to start a family so late on in life, but I honestly don't feel 39, most people think i'm in my twenties and i know i have a young outlook on life.. I guess it's all about the fertility issue..
I might take up the idea of having my fertility monitored, just in case..
But then this is all very well, but then there's the issue of OH and I... arghh!!
Ok here's the truth....
If i could afford to i would not be with my OH.. there i said it... i feel awful writng this but it's the truth.. maybe he feels the same..
I don't have problems meeting other guys, i just struggle with guilt issues (my OH was there for me at a very trying time) i think i rely on him for things other than my hearts desire..
I like him alot, we get on great, he's a nice guy, we laugh etc but there is no spark, no real passion... and i mean none, none, none!
I have felt inspired by some of the responses, jules1213, thankyou, you give me hope..
So i need to think about this seriously, i can't live a lie anymore, my body feels so run down, i came out in a cold sore yesterday...
So where do i go from here? Help!!!
x

Errata

Looks like you've taken the first step in deciding what to do by acknowledging that you only stay with your OH for financial reasons.
You need to separate the two issues
1) show your OH the respect you would expect from him and leave him, giving him the opportunity to meet someone who loves him for himelf
2) do some research on fertility, remembering that the chances of conceiving a Downs Syndrome baby for women at 40 are something like 1 in 112, and decide if you want to find a man you can make and keep a family with or if you could accept the responsibility of being a single mother

Kimitatsu

Sounds to me like you have come to a bit of a crossroads;

Having children no matter how in love you are puts a strain on a relationship. No matter how strong you are, you disagree over children, and the sleepless nights, the stress that you feel when they are ill, the decision of where to send them to school etc etc, changes that relationship over time. Whilst I agree with one poster that you dont get that breathless feeling about your OH 7 years on, I cant imagine being without my OH nearly 8 years on. I KNOW I could manage without him, but actually I really dont want to.

Being a single parent is not easy - been there and done that one too with a 2 yr old and a 5 week old. Its really hard, very rewarding but you get no time to yourself at all. I was lucky I had support and I stayed at home with my babies but financially it was really hard and if you have debt already then realistically how are you going to manage?

You sound to me like you are really run down and need to take some time out to find out how you feel. Why not book a week off, without your OH, and go away for a week to clear your head and recuperate a little. If you go on your own there is no-one to bother about what time you get up (if at all) what you do and how you do it. You cant love someone else if you dont love yourself first, and being a a parent makes you question every aspect of yourself.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

debtmustgo

Kimitatsu,
thanks for your advice re taking some time to myself, it brought tears to my eyes.. It would be a tonic, it really would, but i need to work until Christmas, unfortunately.. although, i'm off tomorrow, going to lie in late then just chill..
I am so run down, i feel dizzy alot, very tearful, emotional, fatigued, anxious etc.. I'm the kind of person who needs to feel secure, loved and happy, i hate unrest and the unkown so i guess it explains my symptoms.
When i come home from work i need to nap then i'm still knacked, ive started taking a vitamin C effervescent in the am to see if it helps.
Anyway.............i'm rambling again. :rolleyes:

I think you're right, i need to get myself sorted both physically and mentally, really feel whats going on inside and take things from here.

Thanks again!!
x

geekgirl

Obviously we don't know your budget but you were saying that you do everything, all cooking etc... Could you not budget in a cleaner even if they only came for a couple of hours a week so that you didn't have everything to sort out. I know this would be dream come true but if your health is suffering it really is worth it if you are able.
Also think about going to your GP and maybe getting a bit of time off to regroup.
You know if he could get his butt moving about helping out you may grow to love and respect him again. There is no passion killer like resentment and tiredness.
Then there is the baby issue, the feeling broody may be your body saying yes it is time to reproduce but it may also be your body saying I am bored I need to change something I need a break from work I know I'll have a baby! And I am not sure there is any way to tell the difference.

debtmustgo

Geekgirl,
thanks, but unfortunately if i don't work i don't get paid so i'll need to keep going in until after the New Year. The cleaning side of things doesn't really bother me, i actually quite like doing it but it frustrates me that he gets all his meals cooked, a freshly laundered bed every week to sleep in, a cosy environment and a spotlessly clean house etc.. His only job is to clean the en-suite and empty the bin, and of course i need to remind and coax him..
I let him away with it because i think, well he pays the biggest bill every month ( i pay the council tax, the food and we half the electric,gas and phone) So he probably pays about £250 more than me, but then again he does earn £600-700 more :mad:
I think a holiday is definitely what i need, we never managed to get away at all this year for financial reasons.. Well we had 5 days in the UK and it rained :rolleyes:
I've been so tired, not myself for ages, i sleep constantly and am just watching life pass me by.. I need to get back to my yoga, that makes me so much better, but again its money, £70 for 10 sessions. I got up today at about 9am, went back to bed at 11am and i'm not long up, what a way to spend my day off, depressing isn't it!?
Things need to change, maybe it's not him maybe i'm dragging both of us down, well i'm not exactly a bundle of laughs at the mo, am i..
Right, i'm off to phone the yoga teacher and see when the next term begins, wonder if they'll let me pay in installments rather than a biggie..
let you know
thanks again!!
x

pinkshoes

Debtmustgo, have you ever had a spark with your partner? Because if there was a spark there at one point, you can find it again. You just need to communicate, change the routine, and put some energy back into the relationship.

As for the baby and age issue, my aunt had her first at 18, her second at 42, and third at 44, so it is possible.

Perhaps you should just drop the bomb shell on your OH. Tell him how you're feeling, tell him you're broody, tell him you want a baby. Perhaps it'll be the bombshell your relationship needs. Infact, tell him you're fed up of cooking all his meals, and can he cook for a change!

Call it fate, and if it all falls apart just because you were honest with him, then that was what was meant to be.

debtmustgo

Hi Pinkshoes,
When i met him i was just out of a long term relationship, so if im being honest, i don't really know what my feelings were at the time, all i knew was that i'd met this lovely guy who was so different in comparison to my ex. Maybe there has never really been a spark, more like contentment i think.. I don't look at him and go wow, and want to rip his clothes off but is this normal anyway

Yes my friends neighbour had her 2nd at 44, so theres hope yet. Thats a big age gap re your aunt from 18 to 44!

But the thing is i don't think i want my OH baby, it would make life so much easier if we were sorted both financially and emotinally but we're not.. I have made him cook before, it's really not worth it, he burns everything and has no sense of portion control.. it's easier for me to get on with it, honestly.

I don't know about telling him my real thoughts just yet, i need to work out in my head my next move..

Thanks!!