KTjazz - the great life overhaul

mooomin

Yay for still being alive :j

How's tricks?

Dinah93

Hey KT, great to hear from you, hows things in your world?

KTjazz

Hey everyone,

So, how have things been with me? My usual answer when people ask me that is 'don't ask'. But I'll tell you...

So, I told you about when I had problems with OH - They are all but gone and now we just have the same normal niggles that everyone has from time to time.

I told you about when my mum left my dad in April - That has stuck. it's my mum's 50th brithday tomorrow and tonight will only be the second time that I've seen her since that happened. I brushed it all under the carpet and didn't deal with it. Ignoring the fact I was hurting felt like the best way to deal. Like, if I didn't admit to it then it wasn't happening and I wouldn't hurt anymore. I broke. Quite spectacularly while on my own one night I broke, I cried and cried and screamed and shouted. My neighbours must have thought I was being murdered or something. I've coped better since but actually feeling everything is tough.

As you may or may not know, my OH is an actor. He has done two shows recently. One was as Saturninus in Titus Andronicus. The other... Oh good grief, if ever there was bad timing and something I really didn't need. It was a very short notice play. He was asked to step in a week before opening night of a show. He said yes assuming it was a bit part. No, it was one of the leads. As he read the play he realised he has to kiss two other girls, get a lap dance and get his kit off. Oh and don't forget that he only had 4 days to learn the script... I was not impressed. Kissing other girls on stage is something I have grown to live with, it's part of the job. Getting his kit off? That I was less than impressed with. I can't explain why. The closest I can get to an explanation is saying I am rather a private person. My boyfriend being naked for lots of people to see was like a huge invasion of both our privacies and I really didn't like it. That was the first show he has done in the 4 years we've been together that I've not gone to see. We got through it, how I'm not quite sure, but we did. I hope we're stronger for it but that remains to be seen.

This week has brought a new tragedy to my life. A close friend of my boyfriend committed suicide on Wednesday. I didn't know her well but it's still heartbreaking. She was ill for a long time. She was our age, her twenties and leaves behind 2 children. It's truly awful.

2009 - verdict? Still sucks!

I am taking everything and trying to learn the lesson. So far, the only lesson I can take away is 'stop waiting for whatever it is that you're waiting for and start learning how to live again'

I hope you are all having a year with a few less lessons in it than my nearest and dearest are.

I look forward to catching up with you all.

KT. x

KTjazz

Hello everyone!

So, Good news and bad news in the wonderful world of KTjazz.

Bad news out the way first, things with my parents are deteriorating. I am now talking to mum again and dad has kicked off. He's driving everyone away with guilt trips and I've found out he's lied to me. I've been used as a pawn in this game and I'm not very happy about it.

One of my friends isn't happy with me for two reasons I think. 1. I owe her money for the Pink tickets she bought. I've told her I can give her the money when I see her next but I've not seen her for months. 2. I've been avoiding her a bit. I tried to talk to her about all the rubbish that's happened this year and was talking about my parents split. She interrupted me and started talking about how she had a sore back and was tired. I was upset. I know I've not been the greatest friend to anyone this year. I've shut myself away from everyone.

I might be getting made redundant (I can here Shirley Bassey singing 'It's all just a little bit of history repeating' in my head...) I'll find out in a couple of weeks.

On the other hand, good news! I've been accepted onto a part time university course that I really want to do. I have an unconditional offer to do British Sign Language/ English interpreting skills Graduate Diploma. It's one weekend a month for 2 years and many many piles of homework!!

2009, still sucks! But this year has been a rollercoaster that I'll never forget, for the good and the bad.

I hope everyone is well, I really want to get back in touch with you all.

KT. :-)

Tete_en_l'Air

Hi KT, I've been reading your diary on and off and always found you to be an inspiration. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at the minute but I'm sure you're strong enough to come out the other side of it.

Parents splitting is never easy but in a lot of ways I think it's even harder when you're an adult and can fully understand what's going on (I was 21 when mine split) - maybe try to keep your distance from both of them for a while and try to remain as neutral as possible.

Well done on getting on the sign language course, it'll give you something positive to focus on x

redsquirrel80

Hey there, sorry to hear you've been having some really tough times. Big congratulations on the course - that sounds brilliant! Hope that the balance starts tipping towards more good stuff soon x

Pippilongstocking

Hope the visit with the Mum goes OK. Hugs dear - 'things can only get better......??'

Double hugs

Sad to hear lots of your news - keep safe. x