Want to tell him it's over-advice needed

Triggles

The biggest problem I see so far is this: NEITHER of them are making any effort to communicate. He's not in the relationship - he's at the pub. She's not in the relationship - she's doing all her communicating with this other fellow. How can you ever make any attempt at resolving things like that? If that other fellow is decent at all - he will tell you what some here have told you - go to counselling - even if it's just YOU going. BE in the relationship - you can't give it 100 percent to address and resolve problems if you're not emotionally THERE. And think about the last 10 years - you've obviously had a relationship over 10 years as you said - has he truly changed that much in the past few years? Or have maybe you changed and he simply hasn't changed with you? Having a child sometimes has this result. The woman can all of a sudden be more focused on child raising, and less on drinking and partying as was done when childless. It may be that the two of you need to work together with counselling to make more clear what is needed to put the relationship back on track. At least that way you can say you gave it an honest try. I will admit that I think getting involved with another male at work (even if it is just emotionally) is foolish, IMO, especially when you're married. Most decent men wouldn't touch a married woman with a 10 foot pole - think about that. What is your opinion of women who get involved with married men? He's really just the male equivalent, isn't he......

Curious (although really none of my business) - has your husband always been this way? Or just recently? What prompted you to go to this male at work for that "shoulder to cry on" ? And when did this start? Could they be related in any way?

bluebell13

9 years ago, when my marriage was in the process of ending, someone I knew via work expressed an interest me, said he was prepared to wait for me to be 'free'. This in no way affected the end of my marriage nor was in anyway related to it. When I was living alone a couple of months later I agreed to meet this man for a meal as a friend. I met him a couple of times after (purely as a friend) and soon realised he was an alcoholic with a nasty temper who would phone me at all hours because he felt like a chat! I told him I no longer wanted to meet as I needed to sort myself out.Had I have left my marriage for this man, believing what he had said initially I would have been in a right mess! I suppose I echo what other people are saying. If you need to leave your husband then do so for yourself and not for anyone else.

swiss69

Go with your gut feeling. The other man is not the issue here, its whether you want to leave your husband.

my mum stayed with my dad probably for 20 years too long and all I saw as a kid was unhappiness , rows, possessiveness from my dad and very little love and affection until in the end they both turned to drink to numb the pain! When I asked why she stayed she said for the kids! I am not grateful to her for that as it tainted my view of relationships and I still find it difficult to express feelings and show affection, probably down to this!

If you dont want your child to see the same then unless you think it can be turned around then leave. Children want to see parents happy not sad...

You will always get people on here saying stay and go to counselling etc... but I think you know when its over. I did and both me and my ex are happier now and share access of our son.

Paparika

You still at this? i remember this back in may, if you still haven't managed to sort it out between you then perhaps its time to go

Rikki

Sarahlou wrote: »

Hi

I tried that on Monday, following a drunken row (no actually, him shouting at me and our son). He just said "i've read your letter, do what you want" and went out......
I'd be happy enough for the house to go in his name and for him to stay in it, there's no equity in it..

Is paying the mortgage cheaper than rents in your area? It may be cheaper for you to stay there and him move out.
Living in your own home gives long term is better than living with 12 month rental agreements.

Explore every possible scenario before you make any big decisions. Visit the CAB, free half an hour with a solicitor anything to get advice to put your mind at rest.

pinkshoes

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Hmmmn to be fair reading Sarahlou's quote below it does rather sound as though she has tried to make things clear - doesn't sound like he would be very committed to making it work let alone care much about who his wife was talking to at work!

I tried that on Monday, following a drunken row (no actually, him shouting at me and our son). He just said "i've read your letter, do what you want" and went out......

True, but I also got the impression that her husband might not take these threats seriously.

OP needs to sit down with him, tell him his behaviour is too much to put up with, and unless he actually wants to change, then she'll be leaving and taking child. She should work out all the finances first, show them to him etc... make it 100% clear that this really is the last chance, and if not, her and child will be out the door.

Some men are stupid. They genuinely don't get ultimatums and often put them down to once a month bad moods!!

feelinggood_2

Has there been any more violence in the relationship?

3plus1

OP, does your husband know how unhappy you are?

I found it very difficult to leave my ex and what I learned from the whole experience, is that if you're thinking of ending a relationship, it's really unfair to keep it to yourself. Looking back, we would never have worked things out, but at least he wouldn't have been so hurt.

If your husband does know how unhappy you are and you have both genuinely tried to make things work and failed, then you can walk away from your marriage knowing you did the best by your son. Only you can say if you have made that effort or not.

When you're deciding what to do, I would advise ignoring this man from work. There are plenty of men out there who could make you feel special for a while - not all of them could make you feel that way forever and it's too soon to tell if he could. You can't make such a life changing decision based on something that might not last.

It might be a good idea to get someone to look after your son one evening so you and your husband can have a proper chat without him overhearing the two of you. If you can't work things out as a couple, I don't think you're doing the wrong thing by your son. But I do think you need to reassure yourself you've tried as much as you possibly can. If nothing else, it'll give you some peace when your son starts questioning your decision later.

All the best.

Josie_Jump_3

From reading several of the posts on this thread I'm guessing everyone who is saying you should make a go of it, stay with him etc has no concept of what it is like living with a man who is more interested in going to the pub than spending time with his family. Trust me he'll never change, my take on this is from the viewpoint of a child who has lived through the OP's circumstances. You'll waste your life hoping he'll change, he won't. Life is too short to be stuck in an unhappy relationship, walk away & start a new life with your child. My mum wasted 20 years of her life trying to make it work but it never did, oh yes dad said "I'll change", so a couple of nights in and then back to the usual routine. In the end they split up, mum remarried and I only wish she's done it years earlier, she deserves her happiness too.

I'm sure many will disagree with me for being so blunt, but I say think of yourself and your little one and start afresh as I've already said life is too short.

floss2

Paparika wrote: »

You still at this? i remember this back in may, if you still haven't managed to sort it out between you then perhaps its time to go

Only 6 months? Took me 5 years & two attempts!!!

Seriously though, you need to do the maths. If you can afford to be on your own (and bear in mind that it is 6 (?) weeks to Christmas and that bills are going up left right & centre, then you need to start to make plans and to cut all ties with your 'confidante'. He will not be able to accomodate you as he is 250 miles away, and he will only hinder you in any decisions you make.

I am also of the "2 parents happy but apart" school of thought - and that worked for me & my ex. My kids have also experienced living with their grandma, which was good for them as it gave them more stability in a time of upheaval.

Isolate yourself from this other person, do some serious thinking (I spent hours in the bath with my Walkman!), do some internet research and make plans on paper while out of the house. It is not a decision to be made lightly, and tolerating the situation for a few more months is a lot easier once you have made your own decision and are putting plans in place.

Also, do you have a good relationship with your family? You may well need a lot of support.... My mum would not let my ex-husband over her doorstep because he'd been shouting down the phone at me over maintenance but it was a nice feeling to have someone on my side, IYSWIM.