Want to tell him it's over-advice needed

Sarahlou_2

Hi guys

Don't know where to begin so I'll start at the beginning....
Been married to my husband for 3 years, child is almost 4. We have a house together which is in my name, but due to my poor credit record we are moving it into his name.
I've been unhappy in our marriage for a couple of years. We're in a lot of debt and he has a terrible attitude to money, would rather spend it in the pub. I love him but I'm no longer in love with him if that makes sense.
I have decided that I want to leave in the new year, I'd be happy to let him stay in the house and I would rent somewhere with our little boy and start afresh. But I don't know the first thing to do????

I've become close to another person who I met through work, he's been a real shoulder to cry on, and a bit more. He told me last night that he wants to see me more often and he treats me like a princess. He said he'll wait as long as it takes.....

I'm so confused and was just hoping for an objective view really...most people do say to me if I'm unhappy I should go.....
:rolleyes:

LilMissEmmylou

why are you unhappy with him? Is it just his spending habits? Could you talk to him about them? Work it out together?

In all honestly your post makes it seem that its just a case of the grass being greener on the other side...so your starting an affair (or I am assuming you are by saying he is a shoulder to cry on and a bit more) which really isn't fair. Why should you use your husband until it is convenient to leave him and see somebody behind his back? Even if its just emotionally and not physically. If you want to work on it - stay and work on it, if you really don't then tell him so and don't play silly !!!!!!s using him for months while he thinks things are ok or worth working on.

galvanizersbaby

Sarahlou wrote: »

Hi guys

Don't know where to begin so I'll start at the beginning....
Been married to my husband for 3 years, child is almost 4. We have a house together which is in my name, but due to my poor credit record we are moving it into his name.
I've been unhappy in our marriage for a couple of years. We're in a lot of debt and he has a terrible attitude to money, would rather spend it in the pub. I love him but I'm no longer in love with him if that makes sense.
I have decided that I want to leave in the new year, I'd be happy to let him stay in the house and I would rent somewhere with our little boy and start afresh. But I don't know the first thing to do????

I've become close to another person who I met through work, he's been a real shoulder to cry on, and a bit more. He told me last night that he wants to see me more often and he treats me like a princess. He said he'll wait as long as it takes.....

I'm so confused and was just hoping for an objective view really...most people do say to me if I'm unhappy I should go.....
:rolleyes:

Hi sarahlou

Sorry you are so unhappy at the moment - I don't have a great deal of advice for you but in my opinion only you can answer your own question.

It boils down to whether you want/are prepared to spend the rest of your life with your husband (sorry to state the obvious here!:rolleyes: )
Can you sit down and discuss how unhappy you are (if you haven't already done this) - is there anything you could both change that would make you feel differently?

Re this other person - I would leave him out of it for now - he may treat you like a princess and sorry to sound harsh but it's not hard to make a woman who is unhappy in her relationship feel special (I have a male colleague at work who makes a part time career out of this and has broken up more relationships than I care to think of)
Bear in mind that this other person may just be a symptom of your problem.

I wish you luck whatever you decide x

ticklepenny_2

If you are unhappy dont stay, its harder as there is a child involved but my mum and biological father divorced, mum then remarried to Dad (2) and she has been happy for 21 years. I cant remember my mums divorce as I was only 4 at the time, but I think it is better to be happy in life, rather than discontent. The best thing I have learnt from my mum is communicate, be upfront so there are no crossed wires.

Hope this helps.;)

pinkshoes

Sarahlou wrote: »

I've become close to another person who I met through work, he's been a real shoulder to cry on, and a bit more. He told me last night that he wants to see me more often and he treats me like a princess. He said he'll wait as long as it takes.....

I'm so confused and was just hoping for an objective view really...most people do say to me if I'm unhappy I should go.....
:rolleyes:

Objective view:

I was reading your post, understanding that it must suck to live with someone who would rather throw their money at booze than tackle debts, but then I read your penultimate paragraph, highlighted above, and this worries me.

You should NEVER leave someone for someone else, and after reading that paragraph, it made the rest sound like excuses for reasons why you should leave your husband for this other man.

Does your husband know about this other man? How do you know this other many isn't just telling you what you want to hear? The grass is always greener on the other side?

I'd say you should cut ALL contact with this other guy. You've formed a relationship under completely the wrong circumstances, which is totally the WRONG way to start any relationship. Relationships that start this way usually end in disaster.

You need to speak to your husband. Lay down the law. Give him an ultimatum and tell him you've had enough and want to leave him, and tell him exactly why. He's your husband, you have a child together, so you need to be 100% honest with him, and at least give him a chance to respond i.e. agree that breaking up is for the best, or that he'll give up drinking or something.

This other guy sounds like a jerk. What sort of guy falls for a married woman, then tells her he'll wait as long as it takes?? An absolute b*stard if you ask me! If he was a decent guy, he wouldn't have overstepped the mark in the first place.

skintchick

I feel you should try and work it out with your husband. You have a child to consider and you have only been married three years. What has changed? Why do you feel unhappy now?

The key to a good relationship is communication so sit down with your husband and together work towards a solution. Don;t just give up.

viktory

I fervently second both pinkshoes and skinty's posts. They make absolute sense. You should really try much, much harder with your husband. Marriage is not a bed of roses and it is not easy. It is however, far too easy to walk away.

A couple of points you raised in your OP - you have been unhappy for a couple of years, but only married for three! Have you tried to resolve the problems? You also state that you have a poor credit rating, then blame your husband for a lack of funds!

I think you are looking for excuses because you fancy this other bloke and believe all the rubbish he is spouting. Give the other man a very, very wide berth while you work on your relationship with your husband. You owe it to yourself, your husband and your child to work at this relationship.

Sarahlou_2

Hi

Thanks for all your replies...I'll explain a bit more as I was waffling the first time.....

The reason I have a poor credit rating is that I took out credit cards in order to fund my husband's social life shall we say....he doesn't believe in budgeting, working together to solve things....he'd rather skip work and sit in the pub all day. Stupidly I borrowed a lot of money on cards in order to cover the mortgage, pay childcare, loans etc.......
It's the same at weekends-he'd rather be there than with me and our son.

We've been together 10 years but married for 3 - sorry I didn't explain that well.

Regarding the other person I've mentioned, I wouldn't be leaving to run off with him - He's 250 miles away for starters and nothing has happened physically... he's someone to talk to I guess.

I've asked my husband to try many a time over the past three years, each time he says he promises he will and falls back in to his old ways again. He even ruined our wedding through being drunk.

Just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.

beverleyhills

Love changes over the years and shows itself in many guises. Why does your husband want to go to the pub? Is he escaping from anything?

BernadetteN

I'm going to make myslef quite unpopular here but here goes......

You have not mentioned anything about your sons's feelings. You are also married and presumably you said something like "for better or worse" - marriage has its ups and downs.

Please put yourself in your son's shoes and think of him and not yourself with every decision you make.

Sarahlou_2

BernadetteN wrote: »

I'm going to make myslef quite unpopular here but here goes......

You have not mentioned anything about your sons's feelings. You are also married and presumably you said something like "for better or worse" - marriage has its ups and downs.

Please put yourself in your son's shoes and think of him and not yourself with every decision you make.

Hi,

My son is the reason I've stayed for the past couple of years....But I don't want my son growing up seeing his mum and dad shouting at each other, his dad coming in drunk, surely this would also affect him?
Do I stay and be unhappy for my childs sake or do i take the chance, leave and give it my best shot at giving him a happy life??