Want to tell him it's over-advice needed

Sarahlou_2

beverleyhills wrote: »

Love changes over the years and shows itself in many guises. Why does your husband want to go to the pub? Is he escaping from anything?

Me probably...I keep asking him to talk to me but he just says "I'm going out" and that's it....his dad's the same, like father like son. I feel like I can't try anymore....I'm making myself ill with it all

viktory

Sarahlou wrote: »

Hi

Thanks for all your replies...I'll explain a bit more as I was waffling the first time.....

The reason I have a poor credit rating is that I took out credit cards in order to fund my husband's social life shall we say....he doesn't believe in budgeting, working together to solve things....he'd rather skip work and sit in the pub all day. Stupidly I borrowed a lot of money on cards in order to cover the mortgage, pay childcare, loans etc.......
It's the same at weekends-he'd rather be there than with me and our son.

We've been together 10 years but married for 3 - sorry I didn't explain that well.

Regarding the other person I've mentioned, I wouldn't be leaving to run off with him - He's 250 miles away for starters and nothing has happened physically... he's someone to talk to I guess.

I've asked my husband to try many a time over the past three years, each time he says he promises he will and falls back in to his old ways again. He even ruined our wedding through being drunk.

Just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.

I do appreciate your honesty. If your husband is that bad why on earth did you marry him? Can you honestly say that your husband has changed that much since marriage? Are you honestly completely blameless? Have you considered counselling? Sorry, loads of questions, but we are (obviously) only getting your side of things and I am wondering why it has gone so wrong so soon after you married.

Rikki

For one moment take the emotion out of the situation.

Can you afford to walk away from the marital home?
Is it really the time to be transferring the mortgage and house into your husbands sole name? Is there equity you are entitled a share of?
Are the debts in your sole name?
Could you afford to pay the mortgage, credit card bills, childcare on your one income?
Are you better off moving out and renting?

Put your child first and that means the marriage is over then so be it, but if you can see its worth fighting for then for your sons sake try that.

Try counseling, you can go on your own.

Sarahlou_2

viktory wrote: »

I do appreciate your honesty. If your husband is that bad why on earth did you marry him? Can you honestly say that your husband has changed that much since marriage? Are you honestly completely blameless? Have you considered counselling? Sorry, loads of questions, but we are (obviously) only getting your side of things and I am wondering why it has gone so wrong so soon after you married.

Hi Viktory

I've asked myself a hundred times why I married him, and I can't find the answer....but for some reason I love him, but why when he makes me so unhappy? If I'm honest I'm a very clingy type of person and lack in confidence. Maybe that why he dislikes me..... he also doesn't like me going out with friends at night - I get to go out once every six months maybe? He seems to resent having to stay in and look after our son..

floss2

Rikki wrote: »

For one moment take the emotion out of the situation.

Can you afford to walk away from the marital home?
Is it really the time to be transferring the mortgage and house into your husbands sole name? Is there equity you are entitled a share of?
Are the debts in your sole name?
Could you afford to pay the mortgage, credit card bills, childcare on your one income?
Are you better off moving out and renting?

Put your child first and that means the marriage is over then so be it, but if you can see its worth fighting for then for your sons sake try that.

Try counseling, you can go on your own.

Rikki's right - counselling will help you to clarify what YOU want.

Also, you need to think about the financial aspects of transferring the house into his name if you are thinking of walking away.

When my marriage was failing (after 15 years & a previous separation) I thought long & hard for months before we finally split up. You need to work out what income you would have, whether you can afford to pay the bills & childcare, look at rental prices if you still want to walk away from the house.

Have you actually spoken to your husband? Maybe write a letter to him if he won't stand still long enough for you to say "I'm really unhappy & we need to sort it out".

Sarahlou_2

Rikki wrote: »

For one moment take the emotion out of the situation.

Can you afford to walk away from the marital home? Not sure
Is it really the time to be transferring the mortgage and house into your husbands sole name? Is there equity you are entitled a share of? No equity in it
Are the debts in your sole name? Yes, he has a loan and CC in his name
Could you afford to pay the mortgage, credit card bills, childcare on your one income? I'd get childcare paid for (80%), I'm on a DMP to pay my debts
Are you better off moving out and renting? That was what I was thinking of doing if worse came to the worse....

Put your child first and that means the marriage is over then so be it, but if you can see its worth fighting for then for your sons sake try that.

Try counseling, you can go on your own.

Thanks Rikki......I'd do anything for my son, but should I stay with someone who makes me so unhappy?

Sarahlou_2

floss2 wrote: »

Rikki's right - counselling will help you to clarify what YOU want.

Also, you need to think about the financial aspects of transferring the house into his name if you are thinking of walking away.

When my marriage was failing (after 15 years & a previous separation) I thought long & hard for months before we finally split up. You need to work out what income you would have, whether you can afford to pay the bills & childcare, look at rental prices if you still want to walk away from the house.

Have you actually spoken to your husband? Maybe write a letter to him if he won't stand still long enough for you to say "I'm really unhappy & we need to sort it out".

Hi

I tried that on Monday, following a drunken row (no actually, him shouting at me and our son). He just said "i've read your letter, do what you want" and went out......
I'd be happy enough for the house to go in his name and for him to stay in it, there's no equity in it..

pinkshoes

Sarahlou wrote: »

Regarding the other person I've mentioned, I wouldn't be leaving to run off with him - He's 250 miles away for starters and nothing has happened physically... he's someone to talk to I guess.

I've asked my husband to try many a time over the past three years, each time he says he promises he will and falls back in to his old ways again. He even ruined our wedding through being drunk.

Just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.

I want you to answer this question: Does your husband know about the other person, that he exists, that you talk to him etc...?

If no, then I think it's REALLY important that you cut all contact with this other person, and focus your full attention on sorting out your marriage, whether it be clearing giving him an ultimatum, or leaving and sorting out everything such as finance, custody etc...

I still think this other guy sounds like an ar*ehole, and whether something physical or not has happened is irrelevant. You're blatently thinking about having a relationship with this guy in the future, which is as good as cheating on your husband. You owe it to your child to get rid of him.

You may not like your husband at the moment, but it's only fair to make him 100% clear that you're leaving him if he doesn't change his act immediately, and tell him the things he has to do to become a good husband.

galvanizersbaby

pinkshoes wrote: »

You may not like your husband at the moment, but it's only fair to make him 100% clear that you're leaving him if he doesn't change his act immediately, and tell him the things he has to do to become a good husband.

Hmmmn to be fair reading Sarahlou's quote below it does rather sound as though she has tried to make things clear - doesn't sound like he would be very committed to making it work let alone care much about who his wife was talking to at work!

I tried that on Monday, following a drunken row (no actually, him shouting at me and our son). He just said "i've read your letter, do what you want" and went out......

LADY_A_5

hi there, i wonder if maybe you could stay with a friend/family member for a few days, as sometime you dont know what you have got until its gone, and maybe your husband will see that you really are prepared to leave and it might just be the kick up the !!! that he needs into trying to resolve the problems/issues in this marraige, instead of walking away.
i also agree keep the other guy out the picture as you need to concentrate on you and your son, i personally belive that i would prefer two parents apart and happy then together and unhappy as it does affect the children involved.
hope this helps xx