CSA Question

JOHNSTONE1

Lauren: When i put a claim for CSA in my husband was in the army and bein paid extreamly well he had way enough money and had no reason not to contribute to wards our child or this other lady.
I dont know where you got the idea that i'm upset because he has to pay towards this other child, as i said i my previous posts it will be me that is paying this lady when my husband is out of work. i was the one who instigated sorting this out, talking to her finding out who she is and making arrangements to pay her monthley for the childs upbringing so its not about being upset about that.
My husband is not out of work because he cant be bothered working, note he has also never been on benefits, he is out of work dur to the industry he's in being very slow at the moment, he cant make jobs unfortunatly but he spend litterally every second of the day seeking work.
This as others have said is all presuming this lady is telling the truth i was present when this telephone conversation took place and my husband made it quite clear on the phone that although he remembered this trip he still didnt remember her...she seemed pretty unphased by this and not surprised in the slightest...who knows only a DNA test will tell and if he is he will be paying.

I think you need to look a little bit out of the box, this isnt another story about a man who wont pay and bitter wife that resents him doing so. This whole episode has kind of broken me, i dont know how i feel about things anymore who what the best solution to this is. i dont sleep, i cry all the time, ive lost a stone in weight cos i'm just not hungry anymore.

My husband doesnt know what to do to make things better....we're completly falling apart.

Im sure some of you think im being extreamly dramatic, but the past few years ahve been one problem after another. Im only 23 and i feel but 60.

But anyway lauren thanks for chucking that one in i'll take your opinion on board.

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[FONT=CG Times (W1)]Ive just read the first page of this thread so forgive me if I am repeating old news and/or OP has changed their view.[/FONT]
[FONT=CG Times (W1)]OP. What is not fair in all of this is a child who has not seen/known of their father for 7 years. That is far more devastating than the insides of your (his) pockets. I am completely shocked at your attitude towards this. If this child is your OH’s then he has to man up and take responsibility. [/FONT]
[FONT=CG Times (W1)]I can understand how you must be feeling. A family of your own then a shock to find your child may not be his first. Can’t be nice for you. But it can’t be taken out on the child.[/FONT]

PS: I will read all this thread later and retract anything which I feel may be out of line!

Kimitatsu

I have read this thread with interest..........I may have known your husband at some point and would like to make a claim for triplets who are now 10 years old........(joke!!)

However on a more serious note without wishing to cast doubt on this young lady's good name - how do you know she didnt have sex with more than one person that trip? I appreciate that currently you must be feeling very hurt, very angry and like the whole world is conspiring against you.

BUT £300 or £24,000, I know which I would take! Just because you have come to a private arrangement now will mean nothing if this lady contacted the CSA when the child was born. There will still be 7 years of arrears to pay, so you would be paying those arrears AND the £200 a month you have agreed. Have you checked with the CSA to find out when the first contact from her was? If it was recently then I would be questioning why she had waited so long - lets face it the army is keen for their soldiers to face up to their responsibilities, so he would not have been THAT hard to find.

Can I suggest that you take a deep breath and sit back and look at your options again? Relate will help you through this if you need somewhere to talk it through (so will SSAFA or the RBL) but if you try to push it under the carpet it may well be the worst thing you could do in the long run.

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Right then, finally read it all and sort of digested it. I have a few queries and statements.

I find it odd that your OH doesnt remember her, just the trip!!! Did he sleep with that many people? Also at what point during his training did he sleep with her - basic/trade/on a course/exercise etc.

A paternity test is so important, not just for the money side of things but to ensure that the child has the correct father. So do a test now, stick it on a credit card if you have to. I would try and see whether CSA will let you do another one. Maybe get your OH to write them a letter to explain why he missed the first appointment, maybe along the lines of 'my mind sort of went numb when I found out I could be the father to a 7 year old bla bla bla' worth a go at the very least!

I also find it very strange that there is no mention on this thread about your OH having any sort of access. All that is talked about is money. If your OH wants to do anything honourable then he should be trying to have a relationship with his child. Christmas is coming up, even a card would be nice!!!

I believe the CSA payments go from when they first make contact with your OH, so if he was first contacted about this in Aug 07, the arrears will go back to then NOT 7 years previously.

The forces do take CSA payments quite seriously, if your OH was refusing to pay at the time then the CSA will contact the forces and have any maintenance deducted straight from his pay.

Back to the child - It is most unfair that a child is talked about in the manner this thread is going. It is sad that your OH was unaware for 7 years. Please look at your situation from the childs point of view. Your child may now have a brother or sister whether you like it or not, you should move on with your lives with your step child involved.

I really do feel for you, you sound very confused, humiliated, scared etc. A paternity test will straighten your life out once and for all. To not have one would be very foolish for all your cases.

tamsin1982

I agree that a dna test has to be done, if you really cant afford it could you not ask the mother if the first amount of maintainence that would be paid to her (once your OH has a job) could be used to pay for the test? shes waited 7yrs already so a couple more months wouldnt exactly make much difference.

you'd be better off askin her about it now while your OH isnt working because if she refuses you will need to go to court to do it and he should currently get legal aid

JOHNSTONE1

There is mention of him seeing the child and she was against it, i'm not sure what shes told this little boy since he was born but perhaps the partner she is now with has always been a father to him and maybe the child is under the impession he is?! I dont know but she was very against my husband coming in and ruining things and he did mention as well as his monthly payments sending a christmas and birthday card and she said she didnt think it was a good idea.

I have absolutly no problem with accepting this little boy into our family i dont think its ever going to happen though and yes i do think that a bit sad.

This thread has been all about the money because that seems to be all it is about unfortunatly.

I agree i think its very sad that he has gone for 7 years without a father but my husband was not to blame for that one. If she did in fact put the claim in 7 years ago the only reason they couldnt find him was because she had no information about him other than his name..... surely thats her responsibility?
Anyway i dont think she did put it in 7 years ago from what the CSA said to me the claim was put in after mine which was why all the confusion insued.

In reply to your question about the course, It was a two day course with one overnight stay in a hotel he was quite drunk and cant reamember what went on, its not like he cant remember a whole week or something just one night, i know if i'm honest there have been night when i couldnt tell you what had happened...unfortunate but true. He wasnt even in basic training yet it was like an introduction thing to thinking about joining. All a bit irrelevent anyway.

I just hope it can all be sorted out ammicably and hopefully without the CSA as they seem to be nothing but trouble from start to finish. x

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JOHNSTONE1 wrote: »

In reply to your question about the course, It was a two day course with one overnight stay in a hotel he was quite drunk and cant reamember what went on, its not like he cant remember a whole week or something just one night, i know if i'm honest there have been night when i couldnt tell you what had happened...unfortunate but true. He wasnt even in basic training yet it was like an introduction thing to thinking about joining. All a bit irrelevent anyway.

Your talking about selection? I'm really confused - drunk on selection and staying in hotels? Doesnt sound right at all to me. Is this what hes telling you?

Anyway, if your husband wanted to be in the childs life then the other women can't stop him, especially if shes going after manitenance. If your husband cared he would fight to see his child regardless of length of time apart. As you say, its not his fault he was unaware for 7 years, but to carry on the rest of his life just paying towards upkeep and not having a relationship is very selfish.

Her partner is irrelevant. You need to have a parternity test. If I had money I would give it to you, seriously, as it is so important.

I highly doubt she will allow your OH to not pay first months maintenance to have a dna test. Shes quite keen on him not having one so what does that say?

JOHNSTONE1

No this is what they are both saying like i said i was present when this conversation took place ( she was on loud speaker ) apparently thats what happened as she and he remember it.

I wouldnt know as i didnt even know him then. I dont really see the ins and outs of how this came about matter fact is he cant remember but does remember that there was a two day trip with an over night stay where they were put up in a hotel next day they went home. He said there were girls there too also trying to join but he deosnt remember this girl or any other in particular.

She is the one who wants him out of the picture not him,i know if he were to take it all to court she would maybe be forced too but maybe not as well he doesnt want to turn this familys life upside down they all seemed pretty happy.

Butterfly_Kisses

So if her new partner has and is "apparantly" acting as a father to this child why is he not financially supporting the child? Is he unemployed also?
She can't have it all her way - expect your OH to pay and not be a father, yet this new partner she has is supposedly being a father but is not willing to support the child... very strange.
And if she was "forced" into applying to the CSA could she not have claimed to not know who the father was if she didn't want her family disrupted.

I'd politely explain to her that you can't make any payments until paternity has been confirmed, if she has a problem with that then you'll definately know all is not right.

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JOHNSTONE1 wrote: »

No this is what they are both saying like i said i was present when this conversation took place ( she was on loud speaker ) apparently thats what happened as she and he remember it.

I wouldnt know as i didnt even know him then. I dont really see the ins and outs of how this came about matter fact is he cant remember but does remember that there was a two day trip with an over night stay where they were put up in a hotel next day they went home. He said there were girls there too also trying to join but he deosnt remember this girl or any other in particular.

She is the one who wants him out of the picture not him,i know if he were to take it all to court she would maybe be forced too but maybe not as well he doesnt want to turn this familys life upside down they all seemed pretty happy.

Is this selection? Ask him, it would make all the difference. As far as I'm aware selection involves going to one of the camps - not a hotel. Also they arent allowed to get drunk, they are training to join the army, go firgure!!!

Also if they both meant while training to join the army then the army would be the first place that girl would of looked to find out who he was. She would of known his full name.

This all sounds very odd. Fishier than it did from the beginning. You need to establish exactly what training he was on while in the process of signing up.