Parachute fund?

Amanda65

I think it is lovely that your mum has done this - presumably so that you never find yourself unable to get out of the situation she sadly found herself in. I am concerned however about how you would stand if this were not declared.

I also have a hypothetical question. What if your family (including OH) were in dire financial straits - would you still keep this money a secret? Due to the nature of my OH's job and the industry he works in he has had several periods of unemployment due to redundancy and I don't know if I could have kept this quiet when things wre going belly up for us

Scubabe

Janepig - I am one of the people suggesting she keep it secret, and YES, I would definitely advise the same thing were it a husband or a wife asking the question. Gender has absolutely nothing to do with it and never would.

I have a parachute account, my husband does not know about it.

I have a suspicion he has one of his own, he gets bank statements arriving to his mother's house from a bank which we don't bank with... but I have never asked, it is none of my business.

The same way, when we go visit my folks in Australia, there is always a huge pile of bank statements there waiting for me, and he's never asked me about them either.

I don't think my hubby would ever keep large sums of money from me, and I would never keep large sums from him. But a couple of grand, does not bother me. I'd be surprised if his account had very much in it, as my hubby loves spending money and is always penniless at the end of each pay month, so I doubt there would be more than a grand in any "secret" account he had.

Besides, as other posters have already mentioned, it is not the OPs money, it is her mother's money... big difference there.

JimmyTheWig

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

The thing you have to acknowledge though is that women are much more likely to be victims of domestic violence than men. According to Amnesty International, one in four women will be a victim of domestic violence. They are likely to earn less than their husbands (according to ONS women earn on average 17% less per hour than men. This masks gross differences in salary caused by, for example part time working. Or homemaking). They are likely to need the resources to care not only for themselves but for dependent children in the event of marital breakdown. It's not man hating to say that women should retain an element of financial control, in fact statistics bear it out.

Ok, we've got to assume that the OP's OH is a good guy. As far as any of us (OP and OP's OH included) are concerned he is never going to do anything mean to the OP.
Then I see no reason for the OP not to sit down with her OH and talk through the facts. She could explain to him why it is important that she has this money put aside. Maybe (depending on circumstances) they could put some aside in his name just in case she decides one day to do a runner with all the money.

If you think the relationship could take this, and it is important enough to have this money, then have the conversation and keep the money.
If you don't think it could take it, then imagine the fallout if (when, in likelyhood) he ever found out.

It shows an element of mistrust (bourne out of mother's experience and statistics) to have this money and tell him about it. It shows a whole other level of mistrust to keep it a secret.

fay144

I don't see any need to keep this secret.

I agree that everyone (male and female) should have a small "running away" fund, just in case. My husband and I both have seperate savings as well as joint, that the other doesn't have access to or any say on how it is spent. It's just a sensible thing to have for emergencies.

I don't see why she shouldn't tell her OH though. I don't mind refering to my savings as my running away fund to mine... It means more when you stay together after an argument if you have a realistic alternative.

It was a nice thing for her mum to do, and I'm sure her OH will appreciate that, rather than taking it personally?

jscalow

Yep got one. It's called a squirrel fund. When I started work in the early 90's my manager took me to one side and told me to open another bank account separate from all other banking and put funds away so if ever a relationship goes tits up (again) you can jump ship with your partner being non the wiser ! I was shocked as he was happily married, however as life goes on I can look back and see it as good advice.

PasturesNew

Keep it a secret. It's your mum's secret. If she's had an abusive past then it's precious she shared the information about the account with you - and she might feel betrayed (because of her past) if you told your OH.

And who knows what the future can bring. OHs can change, or meet somebody new. As can you. You might be wanting to leg it because you've changed what you want and expect out of life.

I'd keep it quiet until I was over 60 probably. There are a lot of life changes to go through as you age and things around you change.

It's your mum's little secret and it makes her feel good. So keep it that way.

I've never needed a fund like this, I've always been single. But if I had ever had a relationship I'd have had a little fund, just in case.

sarymclary

Your mother has entrusted you with a secret, and as such, I think you should keep it between the two of you. I'd also consider it to be her money, and not mine, so why tell the OH? My first thought was that it could be considered by you as a 'funeral fund'. Morbid I know, but it would certainly come in handy at a time like that.

I wish I'd had my own little bit of savings to help me out when my husband and I split up. He had all our joint accounts frozen, so I couldn't access any £, but not before he'd drawn out all our savings of nearly £50k in cash. I never saw that money again, and I never got another penny from him again either towards our 4 children, or towards our mortgage.

People change in ways you can never imagine where money is involved, and after a long marriage, even I couldn't have predicted my ex would have behaved like that.

This account is for your mother's peace of mind really, and it seems you don't consider the need for an escape fund. I would just leave things as they are, and be thankful for such a loving mother.

JimmyTheWig

sarymclary wrote: »

I wish I'd had my own little bit of savings to help me out when my husband and I split up...
People change in ways you can never imagine where money is involved, and after a long marriage, even I couldn't have predicted my ex would have behaved like that.

Without wanting to pry too deeply into your personal past, what do you think would have happened if you had discussed this with your husband long before the split when things were going well between you. Do you think he would have been happy for you to have some money stashed away for this reason? Would you have been happy for him to have some stashed away incase you did the same to him?

Janepig

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I really didn't say that men couldn't be victims of domestic violence. Nor did I (or anyone else) say that violence was acceptable when perpetrated by women against men. So I'm not really sure what point you're trying to make. Go for the big PC angle if you want, write off the statistics and deal in exceptional cases, but bear in mind the experiences of the OP's mum and her reasons for putting this money aside in the first place. And count yourself very lucky you're able to take the moral high ground, there are a lot of women and children who know from the other side what it's like to live in poverty because of marital breakdown (or to end up staying in abusive relationships because they couldn't afford to leave) and wouldn't want their daughters to go through this.

I guess we both feel passionate about this, and from my side it isn't an anti-men rant at all, there are many many good men out there. It's just recognising the balance of power in society and trying to redress it a little....

I'm not taking any moral high ground. I wouldn't be able to do my job if I did. And all we succeeded in doing is taking this way off topic!!!

I think the OP's mother is to be admired for what she's doing, and I would never berate anyone for saving, that's to be encouraged in both sexes. However, I maintain that had the OP came on here to say that she had discovered that her partner had a stash of money squirrelled away by his mother for the possibility that their relationship might hit the skids, then I can just imagine the howls of derision!!!

Jxx

ceridwen

Personally - I would regard it as breaking your mother's trust in you if you were to tell O.H. The money came from her and she doesnt intend you to tell O.H. In that case - you have to respect your mothers wishes. Its not so much "your" secret - as "hers" in effect.

She is trying to help you out here - and I think it could feel to her like her kind gesture had been thrown back in her face if you told O.H. and she were to find out that you had done so.