Weekly Flylady Thread 20th October 2008

Triker

Michelle, sounds like a situation that will only escalate as they get older.

Whether your sis like's it or not there will always be expectations of behaviour re her children. It's really not fair on them to continously misbehave as they have not been 'taught' correctly how to act and when its appropriate to 'have a tantrum'.

I work with young people (teens) who in the main are lovely people who needed some structure and guidance earlier on in their lives which would have prevented half the problems they have as they get older.

All children like clear and consistent boundaries. Believe or not children like to EARN money and things by having a little responsibility and some jobs.

Moreover when they TRY and do something right or better than before they need to be NOTICED.

It sounds to me like your sister is not managing difficult situations, allows them to escalate and then all hell breaks loose.

It's not acceptable for the children to hurt themselves or others and this really needs addressing quickly before it escalates. Of course if physical force is used this just reinforces with them that if its ok for grown ups to do this then its ok for kids.

I'd suggest a family agreement looking at 5 areas to get routine, consistency, expectations and rewards in.

General subjects are

Food = dinner and tea times, what is expected eg not leaving table until everyone finished that kind of thing

Sleep = bedtimes realistic expectations on what time each child gets to go to bed.

Behaviour = rewards for good, consequences eg loss of priviledge or deduction of pocket money for negative behaviour.

School if they go or learning, whats expected, tons of praise for effort even if they get it wrong sometimes.

Money =what they EARN through good and better behaviour. Break pocket money down into daily chunks, be clear re consequences and don't back track on this, earning rewards is the fundamental bit of the system. If people are not consistent then the plan falls down immediately.

Also parents need to also do something different ie not shouting straight away, not hitting, etc. The children can think up the rewards for their parents like cuddles or having a cup of tea made.

If your sis is not willing to go along with any of these suggestions then I suggest that you gently but firmly point out that in your family and your home this (whatever your house rules are ie no fighting, hitting, tantrums etc) isn't allowed and we have a 3 strikes and you're out (literally) warning system.

Say that they'll be asked to stop what they are doing 3 times and if they do not stop then they have to leave your home.

Apolgies I know I've rambled but I just wanted to make a few suggestions in order for you to relax re your son's party but also to find a way to want to be around your sister's children without feeling upset.

xx

Christmasshopper

Good evening ladies. I am knackered, but I have finally got my curtains up. The only problem is that I have misplaced one of the finials off the curtain pole. Hopefully it will turn up tomorrow. I can't go to bed because I stripped the bedding off the bed when I got up this morning. Does anyone fancy joining me for a nice refreshing gin & tonic before I go and make the bed?
:beer:

jjef

Michelle - I personally have disciplined other friends children and friends have disciplined mine, I dont have a problem with this and at times have appreciated their help with an issue if i havent seen/been there to deal with. I would be uncomfortable in your situation but sorry dont have much advice for how you could deal with it, could you speak toyour sister to advise how you are trying to bring up your boys and could she help with her two to show yours an example?

tricker - you were not rambling you have made some very good points which I think we will all try to adapt or at least hope that some of your points we already do and others we will try.

Kids who said they were easy.............

Gryfon

michelle...well I have a 6 yr old and whilst he can get annoyed and strop, sometimes refuses to do his homework and from time to time answers back he never gets that angry. I think your nephew needs some boundaries set and you sister has to have a good look at her own behaviour. I would be mortified if my children swore and kicked things!

Flylady_Flower

kazwookie wrote: »

I have aquestion as well:_

I was nosing someone's profile today, as I wanted to know something from a comment they made, but didn't have the courageto pm them direct.

But the profile only hold 12 pages of their posts, so where do the rest go, is there a way of find them?

I'm not sure, but if you know the thread that it was on, you can do a search on that for the person and it should come up with all the posts they have done on that??? might be worth a try?

cha97michelle

sorry to disappear, had to give ds2 a bottle.

thanks eveyone, i tend to agree she is in for some serious behaviour when they are older. they are terribly spoilt - she gives them anything they want, wails like a banshee at them when they are doing this sort of thing, and also for sometimes no apparent reason, yet can discipline our kids when we are trying to for example, 5yo off school today because he was coughing in the night, yet he was tearing around at my parents house.

they do normally behave ok at my house,

i think today was worse than usual. Will let it die down and then try talking to her. I don't want her to be offended, but i'm realising they aren't the best influence for my boys

Flylady_Flower

angelnikki wrote: »

:shhh: If you do an advanced search you can do a keyword search and search by user name (make sure you select search entire posts in the drop down box under the keyword bit)

Or, if you fill in the user name but leave the keyword blank (you still need to select search entire posts) and in the search options select in ascending order and show results as posts then you get the person's first 300 posts instead of their last 300

Nikki x

Ha, should have known you would know Nikki...:T

Flylady_Flower

AnW'sMum wrote: »

This is a long read but well worth the time - so don’t read it in a hurry – you have see the visionary - very humorous!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: PMSL (pun was intended...) and the last line really does sum it up completly...

Triker

cha97michelle wrote: »

sorry to disappear, had to give ds2 a bottle.

thanks eveyone, i tend to agree she is in for some serious behaviour when they are older. they are terribly spoilt - she gives them anything they want, wails like a banshee at them when they are doing this sort of thing, and also for sometimes no apparent reason, yet can discipline our kids when we are trying to for example, 5yo off school today because he was coughing in the night, yet he was tearing around at my parents house.

they do normally behave ok at my house,

i think today was worse than usual. Will let it die down and then try talking to her. I don't want her to be offended, but i'm realising they aren't the best influence for my boys

Honestly this is the road to hell, I often say to some of the parents that I work with, 'if I have a tantrum will you give me £20.00', obviously they look at me as if I'm barking, 'cept when I point out that's exactly what they do with their teens.:rolleyes:

It's hard this child rearing, none of us get it right all the time, but respect breeds respect and sometimes as a parent you have to make unpopular (with the kids) decisions that in the short term means you're not their favourite person but in the long term means you've done the right thing by your kids by teaching them some fundamentals of life.

Bringing children up is like trying to herd cats.:D

Flylady_Flower

cha97michelle wrote: »

Evening ladies,

I'm a few pages back, but sat here steaming after events of today, so i wanted to vent and see what you lot think of the situation and your advice. It's fairly long, so don't read if you are short on time.

I would feel the same as you and want to keep my littleuns away if they are scared, but Pigpen has a great point, it does sound like she needs help with this but may be embarrased to ask? Like you say though, if it comes from you and is said in the wrong way, even if you don't mean to, it may get heated and will only make things worse, so maybe someone else could say something?

I hope you are able to sort it, as it's not a nice situation to be in... good luck...

EDIT: Just read what Triker has said and think it's brilliant - mmm, few pointers for my own DS I think...