The ultimate incentive to get debt free, can I do it by New Years?

Dinah93

Well you've all made me smile now! Big achievement today.

I'm 24 in a couple of months, while OH just turned 22. But I have really high blood pressure, so my doctors have been telling me since I was 14 that if I want kids I need to have them early as it's only going to get worse, so I guess where most people wouldn't care about settling down at my age, I know what I want and I don't want to miss out on not getting it! Hence why I have never even finished a meal with a guy who throws in that he has 'commitment issues'! Life is too short for all that nonsense. Have commitment issues? Don't commit! But don't waste my time telling me you will. Rant over now

I finished my MSc 2 years ago and was working part time in my job all through that, so I feel like I've been an 'adult' for a long time now, where he has only just finished his degree, and needs to go back to uni for a year next september to get his solicitors qualifications so is still a 'student' in my mind. Life would be so, so, SO much easier if he had been able to do them this year instead. Hmmm, and I thought my rant was over!

clearmydebts

Hi Dinah,

Have been reading your thread with interest as I am Irish (living in the UK) and I know your OH is as well!

Have to say, I think you are doing very well with the debt-busting. You sound mature for your age and can understand that you want to get a move on re: children if you have high blood pressure. At the age of 22 I think your OH is showing a huge commitment by moving to the UK to be with you. He is obviously crazy about you! I just wondered if it might be a good idea for him to secure a job before he comes over (speaking from experience here, v. stressful having no job in a different country!!!) and also when he moves over if he would consider a house share so you can be boyfriend/girlfriend when he comes over rather than having the pressure of moving in and him adjusting to a new country. It might be fun for him to do that for a while and then he will get to know a circle of his own friends as well!

Dinah93

Hi Clearmydebts,

Oh he's definitely not coming until he has a job! He just comes for a week or so at a time at the moment, as I'm almost out of holiday time from work, and he can apply for jobs while he's here.

If I had to I would live with him on our own, however I'm kind of extremely old fashioned in some respects, and I don't want to live with him before marriage. I lived with my ex as he was living in a homeless shelter when I met him (great catch huh!) and I told him he could stay at mine for a few weeks so he had an address to put down in order to apply for jobs, and he could get a job in order to get a deposit to get his own place. 2 years later he still hadn't saved a bean and I'd had enough of his wasteful attitude to money, inability to keep down a job and the abuse. But it always sat really badly with me that we lived together.

Much as I would love things to be just OH and me, I feel that that's something that would come with the marriage for me. I think I kind of need marriage to be a definite 'step', and for me that feels like the right one. My compromise is being at my parents, as it isnt really like forming your own household, but we'll still find out if we drive one another up the wall (doubt it tbh since after these 2 weeks we're more in love than ever). More to the point he's going to be earning under 9k a year, going down to about 3k I would expect when he starts the course in September, and there is no way we could live on that even with my wages. This way gives us a chance to actually have a life AND save up a deposit for a house/save up to pay for a wedding or whatever. Plus it's better the money goes to help my parents than some stranger! We discussed him going to a houseshare early on, but he wouldn't have any money left over at all, which is a rubbish quality of life if you can avoid it. In addition he says he is only moving over to be with me, so he would probably end up at ours every night anyway! We're kind of 'that' couple, the ones who you never see one without another and who people groan when they see coming. Literally always in the same room, not just the same house!

Specific question clearmydebts, but how did you get a national insurance number in order to work in the UK?!

OH can't find his passport to go back tomorrow... he jokingly asked if I'd hidden it... I haven't but it's a good idea!

Dinah93

Grief, more of an essay than I intended! Really am in a rambling mood today

Tete_en_l'Air

Dinah93 wrote: »

I'm 24 in a couple of months, while OH just turned 22. But I have really high blood pressure, so my doctors have been telling me since I was 14 that if I want kids I need to have them early as it's only going to get worse, so I guess where most people wouldn't care about settling down at my age, I know what I want and I don't want to miss out on not getting it! Hence why I have never even finished a meal with a guy who throws in that he has 'commitment issues'! Life is too short for all that nonsense.

This is a great attitude, my best friend's always banging on at me to check that OH wants marriage/kids etc, and I read a scary magazine article recently about 'the rise of the nearly-weds' about couples having houses and everything together and being together for years and years and then it coming to the crunch and they break up rather than get married and women are finding themselves single at 33 with their clock ticking. :eek: Yikes I think I need to have this conversation!

I can't believe you're only 23!!! From the way you talk (/write?) I though you were a couple of years older than me and I'm almost 27!

It's today he goes back isn't it? You never know the weather might take a turn for the worse and the plane might be grounded... Chin up though eh, we're here if you need a moan when he's gone :kisses3:

clearmydebts

Hi Dinah,

I was wracking my brains trying to think of the national insurance card answer (moved here 6 years ago!) and I think I remember going to the local jobcentre to request one. I think I got a temporary one at the job centre and a few weeks later I was issued with a proper one.

Are you seeing your OH this weekend? You must be keeping Ryanair and Aer Lingus in business at this stage!

Dinah93

Thanks for the answer on the national insurance card thing. Did you find it a hard adjustment moving here? My OH is so proud of Eire if you cut him he would bleed green, and I'm worried nothing here will be good enough compared to how it's done 'back home'

Nope, he goes back to Ireland today. The weather is so grey its dark, its driving rain interspersed with hail, and it still won't be enough. He was in tears again this morning, same as last time, but I wasn't. It was only halfway to work I realised it was cos I couldn't let myself believe he really wouldn't be there when I got home. I have grown to love walking through the door, getting that hug and kiss and 'hows your day been?' straight away, rather than waiting till after dinner to call him. And when I realised I had to pull over as I was crying so much I was in danger of causing an accident. Don't think I had all the energy of usual to fight my corner in the meeting this morning.

I was awful last night, caused an arguement, and he has clocked that I've started doing this every time one of us is about to go home. Still didn't stop it being a huge hour long 'thing'. I seem to be pushing him away cos it hurts less than him having to leave. But I don't want to! I just want him here, but I know if I keep picking at things I'm just going to wear him down into not being able to try anymore.

I know I seem really old, I guess I'm just not a wild child and I've always just liked to set a goal, and achieve it. As a result I've achieved things really early! The blood pressure thing also made me decide what I wanted really young. My mum even said to me last night 'Does it ever annoy you that no one else is as efficient as you are?'. She was being serious, as if I need to do something I just get on and do it even if I don't want to, I can't just do one thing at once, and I can't stand putting off till tomorrow what can be done today. I just can't rest knowing I could have done more/better. That's what really bugs me about the whole marriage/engagement thing. The ball is 100% in his court and that is incredably difficult to handle. That said on two occassions now he's started the build up, found out ring size, dropped incredably heavy hints about asking my dad, told me how he would do it (I know he even started to once but surely it doesn't count if there is no ring, dad hasn't been asked and you're just spur of the moment in bed?! Tell me I didn't ****** (can't think of a clean word) up big time there by saying 'no this isnt real?!?!), then it's all just gone away again, leaving me feeling faintly confused, concerned I did something and upset. Worse I'm starting to be turned off by the idea, I'm surely not supposed to be part of the planning? Me being part of the planning is what has caused it all to go so awry. If he had just asked when he said he wanted to/started to it would have been different, but he's built it all up in my head now!

Sorry to say this Tete en l'Air, but I have to agree with your friends. These are things you need to know, if you're not headed in the same direction you need to know if you'll be happy never having kids or never being married, as you can't count on being able to change his mind, he's as entitled to not want these things as you are to want them. Hopefully it'll be one of those 2 min conversations where you find you're in perfect harmony, or at worst, have slightly differing timescales for where you want to be. At best it could be the jolt he needs to move things in the right direction. Does he have a big birthday coming up/brother getting married/cousin having a baby that might make him evaluate these things on his own?

Sorry for writing yet another essay guys, my head is in a loop today x

djdymond

awww i hope you feel a bit better soon honey, im reading with great interest! xx

clearmydebts

Hi Dinah,

It didn't take too long to adjust because the UK is so close to Ireland and if you really need to you can get back relatively quickly. One thing I will say is that we fell into the trap of going back for absolutely every occasion the 1st few years, because everyone thinks that Ryanair is so cheap (which it isn't anymore) and prob got into debt as a result of that. Now we pick a few occasions to go to during the year and refuse the rest. It is usually family occcasions or weddings of close friends!

I know lots of people who got engaged without a ring so say YES if he asks you again!!! Sometimes the impulsive proposals are the most romantic! My OH didn't have an engagement ring when he asked me (although it was planned and we were away) because I always said I would like to pick my own. However, if you want it to be a romantic proposal I suggest you drop heavy hints to your OH so that it doesn't slip out again (impusively!!!). Wow, how exciting though. It certainly is getting serious!

Dinah93

clearmydebts wrote: »

I know lots of people who got engaged without a ring so say YES if he asks you again!!! Sometimes the impulsive proposals are the most romantic! My OH didn't have an engagement ring when he asked me (although it was planned and we were away) because I always said I would like to pick my own. However, if you want it to be a romantic proposal I suggest you drop heavy hints to your OH so that it doesn't slip out again (impusively!!!). Wow, how exciting though. It certainly is getting serious!

Okay, couldn't actually be kicking myself more right now. That makes total sense and I need to scream, I totally messed that one up. Frick.