Simplifying Life - Mark II

Lula-Hula

Hi Mary,

nice to hear from you & that you can come on here & 'let it all out'.

It is a shame that such events can cause so much upset & unnecessary angst at a tme when everyone needs to pull together. When we lost our mum one of my siblings & I talked every decision through & tried to make sure that no one was 'left out' ... all this was completely lost on another sibling though who ranted & raved at me for 'taking over' in spite of being deliberately awkward about the timing of arrangements themself :rolleyes: & our relationship has not been the same since. This rift caused me a lot of upset at the time but I have now concluded that some people are just very self absorbed & I can do nothing to change that & am not prepared to be the scratching post for all their grievances.

Some cope with stressful situations better than others & it sounds as though you are on of those & that will help to carry you through this horrible period.
I'm glad that you have a new car in the 'offing' some good news for you to focus on & one less thing to worry about.

It's very difficult when such different ways of dealing with grief come together & I'm sorry to hear that you're being rushed into clearing out things you'd rather were left for a while. Is there somewhere you could store everything until such time as you are ready ?

You are quite right to come here & get things out of your system, it's a healthy way of dealing with things rather than bottling it all up.


As to simplifying... well it's been half term this week & DD has been quite busy; 2 days with friends & 2 days of havng friends here. I've been quite struck with the differences in behaviour of her friends. One who is very pleasant & always said thank you for meals & drinks & being taken to the park in a very open & natural way... the other who doesnt even say hello, utter a word of thanks for food, drinks or even being here :rolleyes: . I dont like to interfere with friendships... but dont like the thought of that attitude attaching itself to my little person.

Ceridwen - thank for your kindness about my work situation & I have now found a few hours doing some other work & hopefully this should keep us going. I have in fact enjoyed not having so much work on on wednesday we went to the allotment for a few hours & will be going again tomorrow. I always feel so refreshed after some time spent 'working the earth' & now need to concentrate on simplifying my garden which is starting to resemble Sleeping Beauty's after the first 99 years

best wishes to all

lula
xx

mary43

ceridwen - I've had a lifetime of big bruv and the counselling I had last year taught me a lot about how to learn to live with him (at a distance). So, he bothers me not a jot -its just annoying that whatever I do its not enough, not right or both. Still I know I'm doing my bit and he's not going to lat the 'guilt factor' on, try as he might.

firework -funerals on Friday next week.........good job we've got those extra days with the stuff there is to sort out, plus gives us a chance to get the car taxed ready for going off on Thursday. I'll stop off at mums flat, gather up a few of the bits and pieces that are mine, then we've got a solicitors appointment.

At this rate I'll be glad when its this time next week and I'll be back home again............:rolleyes:

Gigervamp

Mary, been there, done that, got the t-shirt, so you have my sympathies!

I shall be thinking of you Friday.

mary43

pagangirl - thanks for the good wishes

Lula - Spoke to brother this morning - had to explain to him that I've asked around and the independant cars going don't have room for his MIL.
Also counted up the grandchildren and partners he's booked the 6-seater car for - well there's seven grandchildren, including their partners(one of my sons is coming on his own as his girlfriend had never met mum) and if my grandchildren decide to come well even more 'space' problem. If he'd just left it at the one car mum had ordered they'd be no problem.
It's starting to look very much like his half of the family having the funeral car and my lot finding their own way.............
He's speaking to the minister tomorrow just to tell him a bit about what mum was like but says the minister won't need to ring me at all and I'm starting to feel a bit 'excluded' from it all.
Regards stuff in the fllat - well I suggested he empty the drawers and what he doesn't want, put it in a bag or box and I'll bring it home and go through it at my own pace. There's not that much as mums stuff was condensed to two small sets of drawers and a glass fronted bookcase.
There are only two books I'd like - I think MIL might enjoy them.
Its all well and good him wanting me there as long as he is but my word -we'd be at each others throats by now !

Wish I could get into de-cluttering mode here............missed charity bag collection on Wednesday with all this other going round in my head so I'm still surrounded by 'stuff' .............think a bin bag is needed, hurl it all in and get OH to deposit it tomorrow. Least I managed to make a nice Thankyou card for the staff so something positive has been done.:j

gigervamp - thanks -nice to know I'm not the only one who's got the t-shirt.............lol

And thankyou all for being there and reading through my babblings........helps to get it out the system and hopefully clear my head

ceridwen

Mary

Does sound rather like Bruv just wants things his own way - hmmm....well you were her "child" too......and that comment about him taking away that stool in particular I would have found hurtful. I would also find it hurtful not to have my chance to talk to the Minister as well - I dont know if its possible for you just to ring the Minister direct yourself perhaps?

But - I guess you need to try and let it ride over your head - easier said than done sometimes ....but leastways, from the sound of it, one blessing is that you havent mentioned differences of opinion about money being left (I guess there isnt any anyway) - the plus side of that is that there's one less thing that "differences" might develop about (and with the potential for it being really BIG differences that there always is when thats involved). So - leastways the other things you mention will have been sorted out one way or another pretty soon now. Then you wont have that hanging over your head any more at least.

Will be thinking of you Friday - hope it goes off smoothly.

lilac_lady

Mary - you've done your best by your Mum so now's the time to look after yourself (or at least try to do that). Your brother will fade into the background of your life now so it's your time to look forward and do what you want to do regarding him. Some siblings aren't close and nothing can change the situation. It's his loss - you seem like an amazing, caring person.

mary43

ceridwen - the 'money difference' won't crop up for a bit now due to probate and sale of the flat -think that's on 'hold' in brothers head for now. Just been discussing it all with OH and actually managed to have a bit of a chuckle about something that could be so sombre turning into some kind of soap opera...........well almost...........lol No doubt I'll be getting phone calls from him till I get there about one thing or another.
As for talking to the minister......well at least brother has decided to fall back on the life story work mum did at the care home so there are one or two quite comical events in there that may well get mentioned.
I'm getting to the point where I feel he can get on with it...........I certainly don't want to spend the week arguing with him, much as he tries to make me.
It'll all be alright on the night as they say...................:o

lilac lady - thanks. It'll be some months before everything is totally settled (finances being the main thing) and I get the feeling after that it'll be a case of a card at christmas and to be honest that would suit me.
I want to be able to get on with my life without the pressure that he always seems to try and pile on me. And that I shall do.
I'm keeping a diary this year of things that happen, sort of journal........one day in the distant future someone will have a laugh about this year so far.............lol
May even be me when I have a re-read through it...lol

Lula-Hula

Dear Mary -

((( many hugs for you))) I really do feel for you & feel quite indignant on your behalf . If you feel very strongly then do contact the minister. I'm glad to hear you say that when all is done then you will be happy to just swap cards at christmas. In a way I felt that my mum's passing actually released me of the burden of pretence in maintaining a good relationship with my sibling & I hope you experience a similar freedom

Well done for getting a card done for the care home & dont be too harsh on yourself with the decluttering at the moment. The diary/journal is a great idea too. I'm due to start my counselling sessions next week & although I think I've come to the acceptance stage of losing my mum & coping very well now... the sibling issue is bound to come up so it's comforting to hear that your counselling proved very useful in how you now deal with yours.

You are clearly a very caring & thoughtful person & make sure that you look after yourself & your needs as well as everyone elses.

lula
xx

ceridwen

Hi Mary

...and I can relate to this as well - re the sibling. In my case - I wont even swop cards at Christmas with my brother at Christmas when it comes to it. This may sound harsh - but, with what I've been told about his attitude/intentions towards me (long story) - then that will be that - no contact. I dont intend to have any "blazing rows" or even quote back at him what I've been told he's said/done regarding me if I can possibly help it. I will just fade out quickly and completely from his life. So I know where you and Lula are coming from.

I just tell myself there's no point in feeling hurt/affronted/whatever re what he has said/done..so I'll just think "end of story/end of contact".

Stay strong Mary - thinking of you.

I'll be thinking of you as well Lula.

mary43

Lula - good luck with the counselling - I went last year, thinking that I needed bereavement counselling from the loss of my Dad some years ago but it transpired my problems revolved around my relationship with my brother - very negative from childhood - and by the end of the sessions I didn't feel the 'hate' towards him (sounds a bit strong but thats how it felt) I began to see him as a rather sad individual and felt I could deal with his attitude towards me - and I can, just makes it difficult in this situation where we're thrown together and have to appear a united front.I feel a bit inclined to tell him I'm happy to take a back seat and let him deal with it all and tell him I really am the silly little sister who knows nothing, thus satisfying his ego and getting him off my back......lol
We'll see........... But I'm coping with it and can see it'll be a load lifted when all is done and dusted.
Regards Mum and the minister, I won't contact her. Those attending the funeral knew mum well, in their own way so whatever is said about her they have their own memories of what she was like.
I spoke to Mums friend this morning who knows the minister and really of all people she is best to paint a picture of my Mum. They had been friends since school and she probably knew far more about my mum than and me and brother put together.
Least involvement I have in it all now the better I'll feel I think. I'll go, collect what needs to be brought back here and try and enjoy the time I spend with my own family. My first husbands nephew is coming with his wife....lovely couple who have stayed as much my family as when my husband was alive although both Mum and my brother never saw them as such.

ceridwen - wise words as always..............there is no point in feeling hurt or even angry.......saps the energy that could be put to better use.
I keep telling myself, this time next week it'll be all over -well almost.