Simplifying Life - Mark II

ceridwen

Hi moggins

Well...we arent in your shoes...so 'tis difficult to comment there.

I think personally that it is important for both people in a couple to share a similar set of values. I guess one of them is in regard to how "materialistic" or otherwise they both are. You are the one "living in your shoes" in this respect....so you are the one who knows how much the values of you and O.H. "match" in this and other respects. So - I guess its a question of taking the "bigger picture" of how well your values match in the whole overall scheme of things into account. Anyways....I hope things work out all round on this.

There is certainly many aspects of a value system to take into account all round - in any relationship. I know I've found some friendships have had to "go by the board" - as there has been too disparate a set of values between us.

I guess there are many things that go to make up the picture of how well our values match - or otherwise - with those around us:

- the level of materialism or otherwise
- the level of honesty
- the degree of respect/consideration shown towards others as a whole
- a sense of fair play in sharing out the housework/bill-paying that one has in common with the other person
- what one expects in one's home as regards noise levels/sociability levels/cleanliness
- what level of importance one attaches to VIPs (ie the most important people in ones life personally) sharing a similar religious/spiritual outlook - or otherwise.


There are many considerations to bear in mind.

Its not easy to find people of a similar set of values - whatever the level of relationship one has in mind - friendship/business relationship/marriage/whatever....but life flows a lot more easily when the people around share a similar attitude to life/set of values whatever the context.

...hmmm....goes off pondering on how similar a set of values would have to be between myself and a life partner for things to work out between us........

I guess my own criteria for compatibility personally would be:
- similar level of honesty in dealings with each other/other people (errr...which tends towards the blunt and honest end of the spectrum in my case....)
- similar levels of "romanticism" as regards a marriage type relationship (I personally tend to believe in The One and not settling for anyone else)
- similar levels of "social conscience" - I'm human, so I do want a reasonably conventional lifestyle - but a partnership would never work with someone who didnt "register"/care how people were treated generally
- similar requirements as regards privacy/sociability/etc
- similar levels as regards physicality or otherwise (in my case - they would need to be basically warm, affectionate people generally - but I know that some would regard that as being too "touchy-feely" - to quote a comment an ex-boyfriend used about me.........).
- similar levels regarding generosity or otherwise with money/etc.
- a similar belief system would help (not obligatory - but it would be nice not to have to watch a thoroughly puzzled face when one has made any sort of decision from a different basic viewpoint about what life is all about to what the other person has).

Hmmm....this list could go on for a while if I stop and think about it......

*moggins*

LOL, thanks for that, it certainly clarifies things.

the level of materialism or otherwise -Him designer, me Primark

- the level of honesty - None, he's stripped my bank account without me knowing

- the degree of respect/consideration shown towards others as a whole -None whatsoever, he doesn't appear to respect me or anyone else around him
- a sense of fair play in sharing out the housework/bill-paying that one has in common with the other person - He has recently got a job whilst I am currently not employed and thinks that paying me £70 per week for room and board is sufficient after he has driven me £1000's into debt

- what one expects in one's home as regards noise levels/sociability levels/cleanliness - That bit's okay

- what level of importance one attaches to VIPs (ie the most important people in ones life personally) sharing a similar religious/spiritual outlook - or otherwise. - I'm a wiccan and he takes the mickey!

Sorted! No choice there really

ceridwen

Hmmm...doesnt sound good....anyways....I guess the thing is to ensure one has had whatever feels like a good amount of "thinking time" in these circumstances.....which will differ from person to person.....so I'll leave you to ponder on......

ixwood

What's with the one business? Is one the queen?

rosieben

*moggins* - I presume you're moggins of the famous household manual? good to see you back, you were a bit of an inspiration for me when I first found OS sorry to hear you've been having such a rough time, you came to the right place to get your life sorted I think

2cats1kid

ixwood wrote: »

What's with the one business? Is one the queen?

One is grammatically correct when considering a person in the abstract rather than any person in particular.

I have wondered why the heck DH and I are together for ages, as we have virtually no shared interests as such, but reading that list on values we pretty much tick all the boxes. So that's ok then - I can stop wondering LOL.

Softstuff

What an interesting post Ceridwen, I'd never thought about it in such specific terms, but it would explain to me why I get on so well with my OH.

My ex-husband was materialistic, smarmy, dishonest, untidy, physically cold... why the heck I ever married him continues to be a mystery (well, if I'm honest with myself, it had something to do with escaping my mother)

Current husband is as frugal as I am (roughly translated we're complete tightasses), we have the same long term goals, the same views on everything large in life, cleaner and tidier than I am, brutally honest and very huggly. We get on so well it's very lucky we found each other.... indeed we've commented many times that we'd be unlikely to be able to live with other people, so extreme are our views on some things!

mary43

moggins - hope you get things sorted out. Have to admit the 'honesty' part would have made my mind up........thankfully OH is as frugal as me (well I try to be) in fact he's more so..............if his jumper has a hole in the sleeve he's not fussed -he'll still wear it anyway..................lol Plus he freaks out at having to pay for something to be done even though he knows it needs doing and he can't do it. I try and explain that a few quid spend now could save a lot of quids in the long run but if it were left to him he'd probably not bother.
It's annoying and we have other differences of opinion, as do most couples but we live with them............we don't have rows.......we have discussions.........thats how we always put it anyway.
Good luck.

Dentist appt this morning - not good news. Have to have one of my front capped teeth removed and put on to the existing denture as the roots about had it !! Not looking forward to that. It means having tooth out, being minus two front teeth for a day while the denture with the other one on is being added to. :eek: So I'll resemble something like a witch..........needless to say I'll not be going out till its sorted.
Came out of the dentist and fell into the charity shops...........only got a few bits for christmas boxes/baskets so didnt spend a lot - got some more adhesive letters to label my photo albums. Now on the last one.......nearly halfway through so that should be finished tomorrow and the old albums chucked out. Then maybe I'll be able to see my desk and the endless paperwork that's piled up and needs dealing with.
I'm getting there anyway............well on target with my list of 'stuff to do':T

ceridwen

2cats1kid wrote: »

One is grammatically correct when considering a person in the abstract rather than any person in particular.

Thanks for that - I was wondering whether to point that out - I knows me grammar I does;)

ceridwen

LOL Mary....well if you do end up with a temporary resemblance to a witch - you're in good company here....with the number of pagans visiting my thread:D

Glad to hear from those who are happily together with their O.H.'s - sorta confirming my suspicions that the main thing necessary in a relationship is a similar set of values. Thats been my observations from watching couples I come across and trying to figure out why some couples clearly "work" and others equally clearly don't - and that does seem to be a factor in those that "work" from what I can see. I guess I was trying to figure this out - as I didnt want to be a divorce statistic ever - so was doing what I could to work out what made for a relationship that survives - indeed thrives.