DD struggling to fit in at High School

Mrs7ones

Hi, I'm not sure that I need advice here, or just somewhere to put my thoughts down - I have a wonderful DH who is a tower of strainght and who has talked and talked all this through with me, but I still feel so very bad for our DD.

She started High School last week along with thousands of other kids around the country, so I know she isn't the only one, but she's seriously struggling to adjust.

She came from a really nice primary school, without her best friend (who's moved away from the area), into a very big Secondry school. It's a very good school - DS1 has just left year 11 with 10 good GCSE grades and has had no problems in the 5 years he spent there at all.
But she is just so lonely...
She's mainly liking the lessons, but can't fit in with any of the kids there. She's a bit of a loner anyway and (like me ) is very picky about who she mixes with, but now she's feeling like other girls are picking fun at her (she's not very clever and she's a bit clumsy and often gets herself in a muddle trying to express herself).

I KNOW she'll adjust and settle down eventually, and I KNOW the school will see her ok, BUT at the moment it's heartbreaking.
She's cried every morning this week, and this morning, the look in her eyes as she went out the door was just too much. You'd have thought I was asking her to leave us forever..... her little eyes just begged me not to send her...
I feel so helpless in that I can't make it better for her.....
I need us to get through the next few months quickly and make the pain a bit less for her.........

mishmash

Oh Hun I feel for you. I was in a similar position a few years back with my DD. She really struggled to fit in and found it all a bit daunting.

I eventually contacted the year head and spoke to her form tutor who kept an eye out for her, they also encouraged her to join lots of the extra curricular stuff at lunch and after school, this way she made more friends.

She is now in her last year and the changes in her are remarkable, she is a very popular girl now (though sometimes too popular spending her time on social netwrking sites rather than doing her homework lol). She was just voted head girl and she is really confident she now does not want to leave!

Change is hard for all of us especially teenagers (or pre teens), I would say speak to the school and see if there are activities she can join in.

Hope things soon improve.

Mish x

going2die_rich

One good thing about children is they can be bought. So if you can afford it, just tell her at the start of the week you'll do something together at the weekend like take her shopping or go to the cinema. Gives her something to look forward too. Perhaps taking this time to do late night shopping during the week for xmas shopping that you can both do? As no doubt she is just thinking about it during the evenings which wont be helping her nerves about going to school not knowing anyone. So if she is busy she might start worrying less about the following day and like you said it's just an adjust and a time thing to get through before making new friends.

bambieyes

Hi Mrs7ones
Just read your post and as a mother it brought a tear to my eye. When our child is hurting we feel it too and if we could take their place then we would.
It sounds to me that you have a very good relationship with your daughter and this is what will get your daughter through the coming months with helping her settle into high school. I dont have any advice to pass on as I'm sure you are already doing all the right things. Hope it all works out well for you and your daughter.

Mrs7ones

Mishmash - I've been in touch with the school this morning. They run a mentoring scheme for puples having difficlties - they pair them with a y10 pupil who tries to get them to join in etc... The Pastural Care teacher has offered her a place on the scheme, which I am going to encourage her to take up. (the teacher also told me they had already identified a problem with her as she was seen crying by her form teacher yesterday morning!!:( poor poppet!)

going2die_rich - I like the tought of giving her something to look foreward to at the end of the week. I had already decided to give her a bit of a treat this weekend to try to cheer her up a bit.... I might suggest we choose a girly DVD to snuggle up and watch in her room on our own on Sat night (leave the boys with the WII downstairs!!)

thatgirlsam

is there coffee mornings or parent stuff you could go to and try to make friends with any of the other mums.. if another mum mentioned to me that their child was having a few worries she would be invited round for tea..or are they too old for that kind of thing?

i really wish you both well

mishmash

Hiya, I think that sounds like a really good idea. It is great that the school is already onto this (though not great she was crying) I think it shows a good level of patural care at the school. My DS is a peer mentor (he is year 10) and he is supporting and befriending a number of year 7's, I think that can really help. Good luck x

webbie

Is there any other children who live close, who you could ask the parents if they could walk together/go on bus together to get to school??

I remember starting a new secondary school at 12( so would now be year 8) and it was very frightening walking into the school on my own each day - everyone else seemed to be with someone.

Also - are there any lunch clubs/after school clubs where new friends can be met and walk home together?

Mrs7ones

webbie wrote: »

Is there any other children who live close, who you could ask the parents if they could walk together/go on bus together to get to school??

I remember starting a new secondary school at 12( so would now be year 8) and it was very frightening walking into the school on my own each day - everyone else seemed to be with someone.

Also - are there any lunch clubs/after school clubs where new friends can be met and walk home together?

Actually, she doesn't have a problem going to and from school - the bus stop is directly outside our door, and she has a 'friend' call for her on a morning. The thing is, this friend has a whole different set of friends at school and isn't in any of DDs lessons - so their paths never cross during the day at all (it really is a very very big school), and TBH, they don't actually have anything in common at all other than me being friends with this girl's mum!! (which is why they get on the bus together - my friend sees my DD as a sure-fire way of getting her DD to school on time!!!!)

specialK

Aww, bless! It's the worst feeling in the world isn't it?
My DD has just started year 9, but she started her secondary alone. Only one girl from her primary school went and they were not friends. (This girl had bullied DD's friend, so she did not like her) I remember picking her up from school and had the fight the tears back, she looked so lost and lonely. Gone was the girl who skipped out of school laughing with all her friends around her In the November she went away for an activity weekend to a PGL type place. She didn't want to go as she never knew anyone, there was only a few chosen to go from each school in the area. In the end I persuaded her it would be good, once Saturday came she could say I will be home tomorrow. If she really didn't like it, I could collect her. Anyway she went and loved it in the end, although she never took part in all activities. She started floating around different groups and ended up settling with a group who are all really nice. She loves school now and is made up she is there.
Just hang in there, secondary school is daunting at the best of times, more so when you don't know anyone and they all have established friendships. She is just adapting to a whole new exciting part of her life and once she realises how good it can be, she will be fine. Her unhappiness will go in the blink of an eye, just be there for her until it happens.

calleyw

Jeremy Vine is talking about this on Radio 2 now.

There is always the listen again service. It might be of some use.


Yours

Calley