Having a meltdown!

judi24

I'm not sure this is the right place to post this - but as a lurker and occasional poster on DFW I thought this was as good place as any!

My story i a bit complicted but basically I am at my wit's end and just don't know what to do!

In brief - I split from my husband in Dec last year (my choice) and since then have been subjected to regular bursts of emotional and pyscholocical abuse - and physical threats (although he has never actually touched me or my children!).

I have reported the more serious incidents to the police on many occasions and he was warned under the harassment act in July -
he has continued to harass me but I was persuaded not to press charges as the effect on him will be bad (potentially loosing his job)

He normally has his 2 children every weekend - and I work night shift when he has them - leaving my older 2 children (15 and 16 and not his!) with my mum.

This week he started turning up at the school and following me home causing distress to my son (6) and daughter (4). He is vebally abusive and threatening.

The problem is i have now pressed charges of harassement. The police are trying to arrest him - although he is doing his best to avoid them.
I was in the pocess of trying to buy him out of the jointly owned home . My mortgage will be £183,000. At the moment my debts are £22700 on 2 credit cards and 2 overdrafts and a car loan.

I am lucky in that I have a good salary - and my SOA looks like there would be no problems affording my mortgage and repaying my debts. But this salary depends on me working night shift.

When my ex is arrested I am not sure how I will continue to work as I have real concerns about him having the younger 2 children all weekend every weekend and my mum will not have all 4 of them.

I love my job and i have worked hard to get where I am - but I love my children more - I feel I am putting my children at risk continuing in my current job - but it would take at least 4 months to get a day job at a reduction in earnings of around £13,000 year - If I did that I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my house!

What I want to do is put as many of our belongings in my car and take the kids as far away as possible! But I know I can't - But I also don't know how I can handover my kids to him on Friday!

I see many of you on here posting about your lives and the way you get on and pay your debt (with alot less income than I have)- but keeping what's
important in focus - you are all so resourcefull.

I am scared that if i don't keep my job I'll loose my house and the security i have been striving for for my kids!

Would it be better to give up my house - rent somewhere - work hours that suit the kids - so I can protect them? How do I do that, When I'm in a joint mortgage with my ex? without being credit blacklisted for life!

I'm not exactly sure what I am asking you all! I just think I'm trying to think things through by writing it down! I hope this is ok!

globalds

Just a quick message to say you have done the right thing .
The down side of making a choice (or having it forced on you),is the consequences .
Other people will be along soon with good advice .
it will cost you making this change .Just try and remember which things are really valuable in your life .
Good luck ..I think you must be pretty strong to be where your at now .

Triker

Hiya hun, I'd suggest you see a solicitor asap re non contact with the children.

Also contact the domestic violence liaison officer who will be part of your force's team.

This may also advise you.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002

caz876

Hi Judi24,

sorry to hear you are having a bad time at the moment! But try to remember stay strong it is your ex who has bought this on himself. (causing distress to his own children is unforgiveable)

Have you tried looking at the web site http://www.entitledto.co.uk/ it works out any benefits you are entitled to might be handy to look at if you have to make the change to doing day shifts. Also you may be entitled to more benefits and with you being the only adult in the house you would also be entitled to a reduction off of your council tax bill.

I hope things start to improve for you

Big Hugs

Caz;)

Triker

judi24 wrote: »

I'm not sure this is the right place to post this - but as a lurker and occasional poster on DFW I thought this was as good place as any!

My story i a bit complicted but basically I am at my wit's end and just don't know what to do!

In brief - I split from my husband in Dec last year (my choice) and since then have been subjected to regular bursts of emotional and pyscholocical abuse - and physical threats (although he has never actually touched me or my children!).

I have reported the more serious incidents to the police on many occasions and he was warned under the harassment act in July -
he has continued to harass me but I was persuaded not to press charges as the effect on him will be bad (potentially loosing his job)By whom?

He normally has his 2 children every weekend - and I work night shift when he has them - leaving my older 2 children (15 and 16 and not his!) with my mum.

This week he started turning up at the school and following me home causing distress to my son (6) and daughter (4). He is vebally abusive and threatening.

The problem is i have now pressed charges of harassement. The police are trying to arrest him - although he is doing his best to avoid them.
I was in the pocess of trying to buy him out of the jointly owned home . My mortgage will be £183,000. At the moment my debts are £22700 on 2 credit cards and 2 overdrafts and a car loan.

I am lucky in that I have a good salary - and my SOA looks like there would be no problems affording my mortgage and repaying my debts. But this salary depends on me working night shift.

When my ex is arrested I am not sure how I will continue to work as I have real concerns about him having the younger 2 children all weekend every weekend and my mum will not have all 4 of them. Can you not ask her too as a short term arrangement. Are there any other family members who can help?

I love my job and i have worked hard to get where I am - but I love my children more - I feel I am putting my children at risk ( you're not putting them at risk, his behaviour is)continuing in my current job - but it would take at least 4 months to get a day job at a reduction in earnings of around £13,000 year - If I did that I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my house!

What I want to do is put as many of our belongings in my car and take the kids as far away as possible! But I know I can't - But I also don't know how I can handover my kids to him on Friday!Then don't seek professional advice but the fact he followed you with them and distressed them too show's he's not responsible or indeed a fit parent.

I see many of you on here posting about your lives and the way you get on and pay your debt (with alot less income than I have)- but keeping what's
important in focus - you are all so resourcefull.So are you hun.

I am scared that if i don't keep my job I'll loose my house and the security i have been striving for for my kids!

Would it be better to give up my house - rent somewhere - work hours that suit the kids - so I can protect them? Seek professional advice (FAMILY LAW SOLICITOR) and DON'T GIVE UP.. How do I do that, When I'm in a joint mortgage with my ex? without being credit blacklisted for life!

I'm not exactly sure what I am asking you all! I just think I'm trying to think things through by writing it down! I hope this is ok!

Course it is you're amongst friends. x


Oopsy I'd written loads but it's gone, main point is see a family law solicitor asap.

WHo pursuaded you to not press charges? Maybe whne he does get arrested it'll be the wake up call he needs. Many people tend to forget that what he is doing is actually illegal.

judi24

Thanks Triker - I have been trying to contact my solicitor since yesterday - when he appeared after school - she is always in court! - I have also spoken to domestic Violence unit on several occasions but they won't take up the case as the evidence is not physical - as in i have no bruises!
I have had so many mixed messages from the police about how to deal with this - I was told not to persue the harassment charge by a police officer!

Triker

I'd repost here hun http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.html?f=24


just copy and paste your whole thread and maybe some of the lovely people over there may be able to help you. x

Triker

judi24 wrote: »

Thanks Triker - I have been trying to contact my solicitor since yesterday - when he appeared after school - she is always in court! - I have also spoken to domestic Violence unit on several occasions but they won't take up the case as the evidence is not physical - as in i have no bruises!
I have had so many mixed messages from the police about how to deal with this - I was told not to persue the harassment charge by a police officer!

Unbelievable.....probably didn't want to have to do the paperwork.:mad:

boredofbeingathome

Hi, i am very sorry you are going through this nightmare. I don't know the ins and outs of the law regarding this, but there are things in place which both solicitors and police should do. I did a quick google on the topic and there are lots...sad indictment of todays world. Hope some of the info will help.Regards BOB X

http://www.irwinmitchell.com/Personal/FamilyLaw/DomesticViolence.htm?P=2

judi24

Thanks BOB yes I believe there are things in place - but threts and intimidation are hard to prove - that seems to be the issue! - without concrete proof - the CPS on't proceed with a case - I'm still not sure he will be prosecuted - yes he will be arrested and charged and that will give us some security if bail conditions are applied - but if the CPS don't see that he will be convicted then he will never go to court and it will all just carry on!!!

I'm so worried about the effect it is having on my babies! I have a recording of my son screaming that my friend took yesterday that will haunt me forever (she was trying to provide evidence)! But i'm still supposed to hand the kids over to him on Friday!

Triker

Keep a diary on everything, every little incident.

An harrassment order should mean that he should not even look at you the wrong way, he stands a chance of getting arrested.x