Having a meltdown!

trancebabe

Judi - just wanted to wish you all the best in this, it must be terribly hard for you and your family.

I'm not sure how he thinks he can just 'not pay' because it doesn't really work like that when you've signed up.

if you're really worried about him turning up at the school on Friday - just keep the kids off and let the school know that he maybe there.

Good luck hun
HUGS

blackclouds

Judi

Just spotted this thread and the first thing is protect your children first, money problems can be sorted out if they come along, but kids of 4 and 6 need you to be looking out for them right now.

I speak from slightly different experience where I was made aware that my ex wifes new partner was physically abusing her ,and emotionally abusing my wee one. I was also told there was nothing the police could do as ex wife will not press charges and invited him back into the home after asking me for help and to take her back, but I reported it anyway, as did members of her family and was assured that although no action was taken it was on the system and so on.

The thought of my wee one there every night tears me apart and has been in some way responsible for me losing my business and being in huge debt, but my wee one knows she can tell me anything and I will do what I can do. The second there is a hint of any further emotional or physical abuse towards the wee one I will step in, but for now I have to hold back and that is hard.

You are in a position where you can protect your children and I would strongly suggest that you speak to the school to ensure only you / person you nominate, are able to collect the kids from school. I would (as much as this pains me as a father with weekend access to type) stop access this weekend, your kids are the most important thing and it may just make him confront his behaviour. Kids are ill, you do not believe it is in their best interests, whatever reason you feel happy with and then let him prove he is fit to have them.

Hate to hear of "men" (for want of a better word) behaving like this as it makes it harder for us Dads that would do anything to see more of their kids to get more rights, not to mention the long term effect on the kids.

Love to you and the kids

BC

Aylana

Oh blackclouds that must be a horrible situation to be in. I wish my own father had been more like you. You and Judi are both such strong people, fighting for your kids. Good luck to you.

coolcait

judi24 wrote: »

Thanks Triker - I have been trying to contact my solicitor since yesterday - when he appeared after school - she is always in court! - I have also spoken to domestic Violence unit on several occasions but they won't take up the case as the evidence is not physical - as in i have no bruises!
I have had so many mixed messages from the police about how to deal with this - I was told not to persue the harassment charge by a police officer!

Hiya judi

I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through, and I think that you've had lots of good advice on this forum. Which is more than you seem to have had from your local domestic violence unit, I'm sorry to say.

Here's a link to what the Crown Prosecution Service has to say about domestic violence:

http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/section3/chapter_c.html

Look at what it says near the top about the safety of victims or children. That's what your local DV unit should have in mind, IMO! (Sorry if I sound angry. I am angry - but angry with the DV unit, not you! Your instincts sound right to me, I'm afraid).

The DV unit should also be well aware of the CPs definition of domestic violence, towards the end of the page:

"Any criminal offence arising out of physical, sexual, psychological, emotional or financial abuse by one person against a current or former partner in a close relationship, or against a current or former family member.”

It's not just physical violence; it's not just about bruises! A specialist DV unit should know that better than someone on an internet forum. :rolleyes:

You might want to give Womens Aid a ring about this, and get some advice from them on what you can do: 0808 2000 247 http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Although I'm tempted to suggest you print off the CPs page, and wave it under your local DV unit's noses, that would probably not be helpful

Good luck whatever you decide. You're in a dreadful situation, and I really do think you should follow your instincts on this. (((Hugs)))

coolcait

blackclouds wrote: »

Judi

Just spotted this thread and the first thing is protect your children first, money problems can be sorted out if they come along, but kids of 4 and 6 need you to be looking out for them right now.

I speak from slightly different experience where I was made aware that my ex wifes new partner was physically abusing her ,and emotionally abusing my wee one. I was also told there was nothing the police could do as ex wife will not press charges and invited him back into the home after asking me for help and to take her back, but I reported it anyway, as did members of her family and was assured that although no action was taken it was on the system and so on.

The thought of my wee one there every night tears me apart and has been in some way responsible for me losing my business and being in huge debt, but my wee one knows she can tell me anything and I will do what I can do. The second there is a hint of any further emotional or physical abuse towards the wee one I will step in, but for now I have to hold back and that is hard.

You are in a position where you can protect your children and I would strongly suggest that you speak to the school to ensure only you / person you nominate, are able to collect the kids from school. I would (as much as this pains me as a father with weekend access to type) stop access this weekend, your kids are the most important thing and it may just make him confront his behaviour. Kids are ill, you do not believe it is in their best interests, whatever reason you feel happy with and then let him prove he is fit to have them.

Hate to hear of "men" (for want of a better word) behaving like this as it makes it harder for us Dads that would do anything to see more of their kids to get more rights, not to mention the long term effect on the kids.

Love to you and the kids

BC

Hiya Blackclouds

My heart goes out to you. That's such a difficult position to be in, and IMO, our society doesn't really offer any support for men in your position.

The police ARE able to take action against perpetrators of domestic violence - even when the victim chooses not to press charges. IMO they SHOULD do it, especially when children are also being affected by the DV. But, they don't...

I am not sure what reaction you would get if you called Womens Aid for advice. However, their website has a number of shocking statistics about the effect of DV on children: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220002&sectionTitle=Children

So, I would hope that they would be able to offer you some advice on how to protect your child, even if they take the view that your ex must make her own choices with respect to the DV she is experiencing.

If you haven't already spoken to them, the NSPCC might also be able to offer some advice: 0808 800 5000. They are also aware of how DV affects children.

Good luck with this.

judi24

Blackclouds - I was saddened to read your post - your situation sounds like a nightmare too! In some respect I am lucky because I can do something about my situation - your hands are tied!

On a plus note - after a long and very difficult day yesterday - my ex was arrested and charged with harassment. The evidence was put to the CPS and at 2 am this morning they called to say he was officially being charged and released on bail - the bail has conditoions attached so that he can't approach me or my address - at least I am safe at home for a bit!

I spoke to the school about the fact that he may turn up to try to collet the children tomorrow - they have said that unless there is a court order they can't actually stop him! But have said if he turns up and takes them the school with phone me and the police immediately.

Tomorrow is the little ones's first day! It should have been a big event with mum and dad! I hope he doesn't turn up in the morning! In the afternoon I have arranged with the school to pick them up from the office instead of the classroom, 10 mins early - just incase he turns up.

As for the house - i know he is liable for half the mortgage - but he will simply refuse to pay -as he said he would do it so I get blacklisted and can't get another mortgage. As I am now protected in my own home by the bail conditions - I feel I don't have to leave and rent somewhere else - so I can sort things out and sell while living here.

Work and childcare seem to be sorted for this weekend - I am taking Fri night off - my mum is coming to stay Sat night - my 16 year old and her 18 year old boyfriend will take them out for a bit on Sunday to let me sleep and my mum was going to stay sunday anyway. I realy don't want to go off sick as I am going to start looking for a job on days - so I don't want my sickness record to look bad!

I haven't said anything to the younger 2 children about not going to thier dad's this weekend yet! not exctly sure how to explain it to them!

anyway thanks again for all your support - it has helped me focus y thoughts a bit by posting on here and the advice is very wellcome

Triker

Hi Judi, wow its sounds like you had a nightmare of a day.

I'm glad your ex has finally been arrested, he deserves all he gets by terrorising you and the children, there is NO EXCUSE for this kind of behaviour.:mad:

Hope you and your children are ok and well done to you for making some decisions re the weekend.:T

judi24

Well it's a few months on from when I stated this thead - just wanted to update the story! Basicaly my ex has pleaded not guilty and the case goes to court on the 5th Dec - I am not looking forward to giving evidence. But at the moment he has bail conditions so is not really giving me much hassle.
The kids are doing ok - after trying to go to mediation, with him refusing to go, I agreed to contact every second weekend. This seems to be going fine.

I am still trying to buy him out of the house - I have a fantastic mortgage offer - a 2 year tracker at 0.99% above BOE base rate, but this was due to expire last week - my mortgage broker and solicitor are trying to get it extended as i'm just waiting for the consent order to be presented in court.

This at least would give us some security - I have lost sleep over the mortgage but have got to the point where i can't do any more! I'm not very good at waiting though!

I haven't got very far at paying my debt - I realy need to do a new budget and SOA for you all to [strike]rip appart[/strike]advise me on.

I just wanted to say thanks for the support I recieve fro this forum - just reading other peoples stories is inspiring and shows me that my situation could be alot worse!

Triker

Thanks for the update hun, good luck with court just remember to be determined and focused. x

judi24

Thanks Triker I am trying hard to stay strong - but on the day I'm not sure how I will be - face to face with him! He is only behaving because of the bail conditions - he is still causing hassle but very subtley. He has started using a picture of me as his MSN avitar - which I find a bit odd - especially as he is in a new relationship! Also he has been contacting my friends and trying to get them to add him as a friend on face book (my profile/friends has privacy settings so he is searching for my friends!) I am worried that if he is found not guilty things will go back to how it was before. I was hoping to have the house sorted and in my name so at least we were safe at home - but he has delayed presenting the consent order in court so that isn't going to happen anytime soon! Anyway - need to stop worrying about 'what if's' - thanks for your support x