Having a meltdown!

boredofbeingathome

It's bloody awful..excuse swearing. My sister had to put up with it for quite a while off her ex, in the end it went to court and social workers were involved. He was a nasty piece of work even beat her up in the street and threatened all of us. It all came to a head after he was cautioned and was caught verbally harrassing my sister by an off duty policeman. But it should never have got to that. I would have thought that the new harrassment law was supposed to stop all that and the fact that you have to see your kids so distressed as well, breaks my heart to think of it all.
I can only suggest that you keep plugging away and as triker says note absolutley everything down. i would aslo see if social services can help and have supervised visits. Maybe this week you can say your children are ill and he won't be able to have them..keep fobbing him off.It isn't really lying either.

Triker

Hi Judi, hope you're ok today hun.

FROSTYFRECKLE

Hi,

Just caught up with your post. When I was a child I saw the consequences of domestic violence. My aunt was the victim, every Saturday night the police turned up at the door to tell my mum my aunt was in hospital - her face smashed to a pulp, broken bones etc etc. You get the picture.

From my view point call your work up and explain you cannot do the night-shift this week - do not send your children to your ex. Without being melodramatic how many times has an ex taken revenge by harming the children - it is on the news way too often. If you are in contact with your ex's family and they are half-way sensible explain to them why your ex is not getting the children to stay. If not write your ex a civil and polite letter explaining why no access to children.

Is it possible for a friend or other family member to look after your children? If not (if I was in your situation) I would look to rent and get a day-time job. It is better knowing your children are safe and living in rented property than going on night-shift, owning your home and wondering are my children safe?

Good luck.

judi24

Thanks for all your support - today he phoned to speak to th kids as he does every day - but my son wouldn't speak to him - I spoke to him to explain and he said that if i continued to press charges I would never see the kids again!
I have reported this to the police. I also spoke to my solicitor about this weekened's contact and she suggested that they don't have contact with him this weekend and is contacting his solicitor to explain - so I feel a little better!
I just need to speak to the school as there is a possibility he will try to attend the school on Fri to try to pick up the kids.

I will contact work later to explian that I won't be in on Friday.
I think I just need to take things one day at a time!

Thanks again x

judi24

Frostyfreckle - I agree it may be better to rent and find another job - my problem is I would need to give 3 months notice in my current job - and if I moved out of the house i would still be liable for the mortgage until it was sold (which could take forever at the moment) I know he would not pay his half - he has already told me that - I just can't work out in my head how to do this! It would be so easy if I could just move out rent somewhere and get a new job tomorrow.

Triker

judi24 wrote: »

Thanks for all your support - today he phoned to speak to th kids as he does every day - but my son wouldn't speak to him - I spoke to him to explain and he said that if i continued to press charges I would never see the kids again!
I have reported this to the police. I also spoke to my solicitor about this weekened's contact and she suggested that they don't have contact with him this weekend and is contacting his solicitor to explain - so I feel a little better!
I just need to speak to the school as there is a possibility he will try to attend the school on Fri to try to pick up the kids.

I will contact work later to explian that I won't be in on Friday.
I think I just need to take things one day at a time!

Thanks again x

Is tthere any chance you can record all phone calls from now on, threats like this need to be taken seriously. Have you got a dictaphone or can you get hold of one to record all phone conversations? x

Ames

Everybody else has given fab advice on the legal side of things. Just one thing I thought of, could the younger kids go to your mum's and the older ones stay at home on their own? I'm sure they're old enough but only you know them well enough to know if they're sensible enough.

Aylana

I don't have much to add in the way of advice, but just wanted to say I hope things work out for you. You are putting your kids first and that is the most important thing. Abuse doesn't have to be physical to be damaging and I have no doubt that what he is doing is damaging his children and his relationship with them.

I'm not sure if it would work but could you try organising some sort of mediation session with him where you can sit down with other people (solicitors??) there and try to explain to him calmly that he is hurting the children and you only want what is best for them, including a good relationship with their father? Or maybe try speaking to his family calmly about it? I'm really just throwing ideas about, you will know if they are worth attempting in the circumstances.

Good luck

judi24

Triker - I will try to get hold of dictaphone - I could try to record him on speaker phone with it! I'm sure he will deny saying things to the police - sometimes I tink he doesn't remember what he has said - I have confronted him before about things and he completely denies saying things - even though there have been witnesses!

Aylana - Thanks for the kind words - I have tried mediation with him earlier in the year - he is now too irrational to speak to. But we may have to explore it again if he calms down.
His dad would possibly be able to calm him down a bit but he is in Australia at the moment - and his sister is as bad as he is!
My solicitor was saying that she doesn't understand his behaviour and thinks he might be mentally unstable - as the financial agreement and the divorce terms have all ben agreed by him and he has always had as much access to the children as he wants - resulting in me loosing out! and he is in another relationship. She can't see why he is behaving in this way!

I haven't told my mum about what's happened this week - She has said all along he would do this and was mad with me for not persuing the harassment before now! I know she wil support me as much as she can - but she won't be able to cope with having the 2 younger children all weekend! She has wanted me to get a day job for a while and the main reason I haven't iscos the night shift pays so much more and meant I would be able to keep the house.

Aylana

His behaviour is quite odd in light of what you have said. Sounds like he is in need of some help of some sort. Perhaps his father will realise this.

Maybe have a read over on the housing board and see if that gives you some help on the possibility of selling your house and pricing it right in these awkward times! Check your area on rightmove to see what similar properties are selling for. If you can sell the house reasonably quickly then it will free you up to change to a day and be able to afford to rent/downgrade.