Husband help

pdoff

my hubby is the same. we have direct debits for everything now & an arranged overdraft in case they come out a few days before payday as we got stung with loads of charges once! i work evenings (well i did but now on maternity as 2nd child due next week) but cos he earns more he thinks he can spend more. we remortgaged last year with extra cash for double glazing but i didnt organise it in time - didnt want to do it without his input - so now he spent it all & we are in debt again. he fully admits is him that spends it all yet still cant be bothered to make sandwiches to take for his lunch & i dont want to do it 4 him as i already do absolutely everything else including looking after 3 year old (which is y i only work eves). all he does is look after son when i work for 3 hours (most of which he spends on computer while ds amuses himself, or ds in bed). i agree u need some outside interests - working that few hours has been great for me. my house is a mess too especially since been pg but any real friends dont care about that. if u want to pm me for a chat feel free, i live in west yorkshire - dont know how near u r. mum & toddler groups r good but can feel a bit cliquey at 1st, although a new baby always gets people talking to u! goodluck whatever happens & if u need a moan let me know!

gravitytolls

My husb was poop for years, bad with money, out all the tine, not to mention the boozing. I sent years weeping over him, until one day, I simply told him nough was enough.

I really meant it, and he knew. I wasn't crying, or angrily yelling, I was just resigned to the fact that we weren't important enough for him to change his behaviour.

He knew I meant it, because I really did, and things improved. Unfortunately it was probably about 3 years before my own feelings returned, and even now I would say that although I love him, it's not as it was.

My point is, a kick up the butt only works if you do mean it. If it's just rhetoric, he'll know, even if you don't. Sadly it seems that we'll take years and years of poop before we really reach the stage of can't take any more.

And you're pregnant. This is probably not the best time to be making life changing decisions.


But you do need to do something. How about debt counselling. Maybe an expert can make him see what's going on.

In the meantime, is everything in his name?

Open your own bank account, have any monies/benefits that belong to you paid dirently into it. Let hiom deal with everything else. I know it's scary, but while you are shouldering the burden of stress, he isn't.

Make sure you and the baby have what you need, let him sort out the rest, and when he can't he'll have to face up toit, and there are then organisations that will help you.

Good luck pet.

Savvy_Sue

tray wrote:

Thanks..DD are no good when you are paid 4 weekly though!

Well, my sis used to be paid 4 weekly and she said it was great, because once a year you had a mortgage free month, ie two salary payments in and only one mortgage payment out! It's probably easier to manage if you have an overdraft but in theory it should be possible. Or, get a regular amount paid into an account in your sole name and take over that way.

OK, you're relying on him to pay things and he's not. If you're doing a long walk to school I'm surprised there's nowhere to make card payments on the way - have you tried asking in the shops you pass whether they've considered it? Maybe you can create a demand. Also any bills which aren't on cards - there's usually an option of posting a cheque or paying at the PO. Even if you can't get to the PO, do you not have a letterbox anywhere on the walk to and from school?

I think gravitytolls is hitting the nail on the head. While you're pregnant may not be a good time for making a stand, but as long as you're of the view that you can't leave, you can't do this, you can't do that, then you are stuck. Think what you CAN do, and do that.

tray_3

Thankfully i do get child benefits in my account but recently he's been haivng to take my card to pay for petrol so i still don't get that money. We did have DDs but he'd forget a bill had not come out yet, think there was lots of money left..spend it and then it would bounce..fines etc Where i live is rather isolated..I do walk miles a day but never past any shops! There aren't many where I live and those we do have don't take the cards.
I'll ask about this standing order thing though and maybe post office (just that post office will add another hour to walk to my day..husband drives so it's much easier for him, he works in a town centre and it's not fair on my making 3 year old walking any more than he has already plus I get spd when pregnant so in a month or 2 walking will be agony!).
All i can do is keep begging him. Only debt counselling i can find is CAB but all they do is give you a budget sheet..thats not worked on him yet! I can only do so much, when he won't do his bit. I try so hard to be the best mum i can yet he doesn't seem bother at all. It's his family too. I truly am stuck.

calleyw

"I wish i could continue my studies (I was in the middle of a physics degree when I had my eldest) but no way can afford to study now. OU is so expensive.
So that bugs me too, I can't even make use of my time at home so i can get a great job when they are all at school."

Have checked out about having your fees paid for you.

More info here:
http://www.open.ac.uk/disability/pages/funding/fee-grants.php

You may find that you qualify for help with some if not all of your fees.

I don't have anything to say about how to get your husband better money as my husband has the odd stupid moment that costs him money. Like paying an extra £60 for are holiday this year. because 1) he went in to an authorised overdraft even though he had the money in another account 2) got us a parking ticket while away. That was £60 we could ill afford to waste. Would not have minded if we had got to something to show for it but nope. hey ho.

You say you have no money to learn to drive. Do you not have a friend or even get your husband to give you lessons. I believe even if you don't own your own car that passing your test is important. Even more so if you are female. Where I live now I can't believe the amount of woman mainly young around here who don't drive. It is a life skill and all woman young and old should be encouraged to learn.

And you also say he knows that you will not leave as you can't drive. My answer is so what if you don't drive that does not mean you can't leave. Not that I am encouraging you.

I wish you all the best.

Yours

Calley

margaretclare

calleyw wrote:

You say you have no money to learn to drive. Do you not have a friend or even get your husband to give you lessons. I believe even if you don't own your own car that passing your test is important. Even more so if you are female. Where I live now I can't believe the amount of woman mainly young around here who don't drive. It is a life skill and all woman young and old should be encouraged to learn.

And you also say he knows that you will not leave as you can't drive. My answer is so what if you don't drive that does not mean you can't leave. Not that I am encouraging you.

I totally, totally agree with Calley. Learning to drive is just an important life skill. You never know when it will come in useful.

I'm from a different generation and I've seen, over and over again, what happens when only the husband drives and the wife is completely dependent on him to be ferried everywhere. It has happened with people I know, that the husband has a sudden illness and the wife and kids can be really stuck. Even in London this can happen, when husband is in one of the London hospitals and it's not all that easy to get to. I've seen women suddenly widowed and the car is sitting outside in the drive, useless. I really have seen so many instances of this!!!

Even for myself, I might have been one of those women. Only I decided I wanted to qualify as a midwife and then work in the community - I needed to drive! I took my test 6 times over, passed, got a job with a work car in a rural part of Kent. A year later my husband had a 'coronary' at age 38, wasn't allowed to drive for several weeks....I was driving because of my job, but where would we have been if I hadn't been? I couldn't have even visited him in hospital. And then 2 years later he had a coronary bypass...same thing all over again.

Aunty Margaret

jellyhead

is he being controlling or is he just rubbish?

get him to bank online, it's reassuring to be able to see statements whenever you need to. work out all of your monthly outgoings and get that amount transferred to an account in your name, set up direct debits. use the 13th payment for xmas and to pay some annual bills in a lump sum such as the water bill, insurance policies etc.

if he's rubbish and you're not then you need to control the purse-strings. my husband came with 31k of debt and a condition of my marrying him was that i took control of the money. his wages go into my account and i transfer his 'allowance' into his. he's not allowed a card so he uses mine for petrol etc. but any personal purchases he makes get taken out of his allowance. if he did use my card frivolously i'd get it cancelled, he knows that. i sound really harsh but it was his idea too and he knows he's rubbish with money. i'm rubbish with everything except money. we both know our strengths. he works full time so he prefers for me to sort out bills etc. anyhow, he can relax when he comes home.

it works well for us. i love him to bits and we have a happy marriage, it's not a problem. if you print the letters and address and stamp the envelopes for him, get him to sign them then you post them for him he can't complain.

tray_3

Please imagine lots of expletives here! I just can't cope. Dh was given a car by his dad..but it's too big or powerful to afford to insure me to learn in it.
I don't real life friends as I'm isolated..too different. All the mums are a good 10 years older than me, very rich and think I'm a bit weird because of my parenting views (i breastfeed etc).
I seriously think there's something wrong in his head. I just can't cope..i've been begging and begging him to ring someone we owe money too. I swear they will take legal action soon. I'm so scared. I have asked daily for about 4 months now. Screamed, begged, swore you name it. What the hell is wrong with him!
Lied about our loan..told me he had paid it..great a default notice turns up. Then he gets really cross with me when i get upset over it. He blatantly lied about it. Same for npower..he told me he paid gas all up to date (payment card so dh does that..i don't live near anywhere that takes it). Yesterday a man knocked for the money..there's me looking stupid not having a clue about it. Same happened with water about 6 months ago. I've set the DD back up for the gas thankfully. But the water people won't let us do DD. He imagine phonecalls too I'm sure.
There must be some help i can get for him. Someone else to talk to him as he thinks I'm being unreasonable and just psycho or something. He reckons "normal" women wouldn't be upset by this. It's my life he is effing up. My name dirtied too. Is there anyway I can legally distance myself from his muck ups. I've tried talking to our mortgage company to check he haid paid this month..but they won't tell me despite my begging.
I don't know what to do and I'm scared the stress is upsetting my baby..i know it's so bad for brain development and it's bad for my condition too.

calleyw

tray wrote:

There must be some help i can get for him. Someone else to talk to him as he thinks I'm being unreasonable and just psycho or something. He reckons "normal" women wouldn't be upset by this. It's my life he is effing up. My name dirtied too. Is there anyway I can legally distance myself from his muck ups. I've tried talking to our mortgage company to check he haid paid this month..but they won't tell me despite my begging.
I don't know what to do and I'm scared the stress is upsetting my baby..i know it's so bad for brain development and it's bad for my condition too.

Tray,

I don't know about getting help for him. If he does not want it you can't make him and as an adult you can't make him do anything.

Well I can't get be a normal woman either as it would drive up the flipping wall if my husband carried on like. And I have got so upset about him and his ways (not all about money but thoughtless things that end up costing us money) in the past.

Whos name is the mortgage, loan etc in. If it is both and you are not going to like this you are both jointly responsible for the re-payments so if your husband does not pay they will come after you. I assume the mortgage is not in joint names as they would not tell you if he had paid it or not.

If it is in his name then they can't get you for it. As you never signed the forms for it.

Please don't take this the wrong way and it concerns me but you sound like a woman on the edge and you need help and you need it now. Don't allow your husband to control you. You are person in your own right.

I would never suggest this to any woman to leave there husband but I think you need to get away even for a few days. Are you able to go to your parents or another family member for a few days. You need to distance yourself and have a hard long think about what you want.

Can you talk to your GP about it or someone else, please.

I do understand that it is hard when you have no friends close to were you live. I don't but I am lucky that I have my family close by.

If you want to stay and work it then you need to take control of all the finances that means current account and cards. Type some letters up and make him sign them to say that the companies concered can talk to you about it. Hide or cancel all cards, be it credit or debit cards.

I am don't what else to say. As my heart goes out to you. As you really don't need this at the moment.

Take care.


Yours


Calley

tenuissent

Tray, the more I read this thread, the more I think Aspergers Syndrome. Have a look at http://forums.delphiforums.com/ASPartners/messages?msg=3981.23 as an observer. I recently realised I have an AS husband, and I found it enlightening and encouraging to read about the difficulties that other women have had with husbands who are simply not equipped to understand anything about someone else's stress and misery. AS is a form of autism, meaning Self - AS people cannot imagine anything outside the box that contains them and their own consciousness. They are disabled. The thread this URL leads to may not be the most useful, but I'm sure you can find others more relevant to you. Don't be put off by the anger these women feel - there are stretches of pure common sense and revitalising explanations.

Mine is not impossible with money, but very many are. If you have the time and patience to trawl through some of the threads, you will find women in just your position, who are sick with worry and frustration, as you must be, because their husbands, without conscious cruelty, have left them powerless in impossible situations.

I know this is not a cure for your situation, but if you find he DOES fit the AS criteria, it may strengthen you in your resolve to take over control of your household somehow, and make you better able to understand the chaos he lives in.

I am very sorry if I have got this wrong. Very best wishes.