Husband help

tray_3

As counselling for people rubbish with money? I've posted on mortgages as we are having such a problem getting out of the s*** my husband has got us in...again!
Honestly I love him to bits but I can't cope with anymore. Financially i would be better off as a single mother.
He makes stupid mistakes..that i see coming and tell him to sort (things that are in his name and he can't be bothered to even get me permission), and i beg and plead and hand him the phone....i end up in tears and stressed (i have a stress related condition and baby on the way so not good for me) because the man ignores me. Then just as i predict we are in deep wotsit. He also doesn't listen to people on the phone properly, forgets/lies about bills his paid when he hasn't. Forgets to open his post (moans when i open it).

I cannot work, I believe a parent should be at home with small ones (especially for breastfeeding baby) but even if i did work the travel, childcare costs and ctc they'd take would make it all worthless and i'd be no better off. I've looked into homework but unless I take dirty phone calls there's nothing out there.
He takes jobs that promise a good wage and turns out to be a lie, so we then look again, find another and the same happens. He's praised for his work..he's even praised in a book about his industry..pity it pays f'all.

As I say I love him but so furious with him, I try my best, I go without the most because we have no money, he controls my life in this way and it's like he doesn't care. His mistakes we all pay for.
I think he has some problem..there must be some kind of counselling for this.
I really think this is his last chance.

Sorry if this is repeated..i posted before but it disappeared.

$17mma

Hello flower

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. You sound really stressed, and you are pregnant, I know easier said than done but you really need to try and de-stress.

Have you tried Relate? http://www.relate.org.uk/ they offer counselling for couples and individually.

I dont know what to suggest to get OH to listen to you....apart from kicking him up the behind..

Once baby is born, will you consider part time evening work maybe? just a couple of hrs either on the weekend or during the week this will give you some financial independence and you will be able to help him manage the bills...

OH needs to take his head out of the sand and face up to the financial situation!. You are just going to have to take over and take charge. Some people just arent good with managing money and finances..

A good idea will be to list all out goings so that someone can see where you can save. Some times we over look things ourselves..

Sorry I cant really offer much more help and advice.. I am sure someone with ideas will come along soon.

tray_3

Thank you for the taking the time to reply. I have thought of all those things. Relate costs money, he'd need time off to go, childcare to go (we have 2 boys..number 3 is the last! I know you should wait to afford children but there's a family history of early menopause) and all that kerfuffle.
Part time work i can do doesn't exist where I live, he's not home in time for me to do evening work, his days off are random (that's retail for you) and I don't drive (because I can't afford to learn) so can't get to any jobs like that in other towns. There's no public transport at the time of night those jobs finish.
Once baby is born it's at least a year before I'd feel comfortable leaving him.her anyway even with Dad,,he has no boobs!
I've done the CAB thing with managing money etc. Internet is our only luxury, without it I would go insane as I would have no adult conversation without it!
The problem is his silly mistakes. For example, BT is in his name..he hasn't sorted me permission yet (only been 7 years!).
He promised me the direct debit was set up, I said it hasn't please sort it out. Takes him months to bother talking to them about it (despite my daily nagging, and a list I write his things to do on for what it's worth).
At which point without consulting our balance he offers to pay 3 months of bills in one go. As a result I have £2 to last me until next Friday. This is not a one off, I basically expect things like that to happen now! I've got as much as possible into my name, but if he does something like the BT thing, i'm left with nothing to pay the bills I sort out.
He just doesn't think, i really think it's a problem he's got, he can't possibly be doing it on purpose.

helen21_2

Sometimes drastic measures are needed, maybe its time to kick his a**e, tell him you are no longer gonna live like this therefore he can hand over all monies to you and let you deal with it all, or tell him to leave! Maybe a shock tactic is needed!

Spendless

Are you claiming tax credits? Check here www.entitledto.com. Check to see if you will get any more money once #3 arrives-you should at least get the baby element of tax credits (an additional £547.50) paid till baby is 1 on top of anything you currently get. If you do find an evening job you can do, you could express breast milk so Dad can give baby a feed. Have you asked your HV about any mum and baby groups there are? Mine ran a free coffee morning once a week for mums and babies upto walking-I made no end of friends that way. How old are your other children? Some mums and tots groups/womens centres/schools run free courses and have a free creche running at same time. Look to see what's available in your area.

lin473

I can understand how frustrated you must be , tray.
I think it is quite common for some men to avoid facing up to problems that they feel overwhelmed by.It seems to be a form of denial ,like if they ignore a problem,it might go away somehow!
Often when they do take action,it is a panic reaction, not well thought out or thought through at all.
It is possible that he may be depressed and feel inadequate so any comment you make,however well meant,will seem like you are getting at him.He probably cares a lot more than is apparent.
I just wonder if you could try creating a relaxed evening together and bring the conversation round to address these problems.Or has it gone too far for that?
If you could phrase the conversation to acknowledge that you know he has tried his best to manage the financial side of the family , but it obviously isn't his strongest area ,so perhaps as you are at home and he has to go out to work,it may be better to let you take over 'for a while'.Do try not to get angry! He really needs to understand that you are both on the same side!
I always think that it is better that one person in a relationship takes responsibility for financial matters , and it has become obvious which one of you is better equipped to do it!
When we started a family,it was such a struggle going down to one income when all the bills were going up all the time.
It will get better though.
In time , the mortgage swallows up a smaller percentage of your income ,and you will eventually get back to work ,something will come up that you can fit round everything else!Maybe childminding , ebay selling, I don't know.
Hope you get something sorted soon.

$17mma

I know this sounds really boring.. but once baby has settled would you consider doing ironing for people in your area.

My friend could not afford to go back to work and like you did not want to leave her new baby, so she put up adds in her local shops offering an ironing service..

Also with your hubby giving you access to the bills and stuff, why dont you write letters to the various companies quote reference numbers and then all he has to do is sign the letters then post them.. give them 7-10 days to action and request acknowledgement in the form of a letter for your records and bingo.. you can ring BT and all your other supplies on behalf of your husband.

Yes relate does cost money... not sure if there are any charity ones.. but you can take the kids along to the family sessions so you wont have to find a sitter..

Sorry honey...that you are feeling this way

homersimpson_3

you shouldn't have to put up with at any time let alone when you're pregnant! marriage is supposed to be a partnership and you should act as a team but in this relationship this doesn't seem to be happening. don't mean to stereotype but you have to take control and sort this out. tell your husband his role is to bring the money in until you'll able to go out to work and your role for the moment is doing admin for house/housework. he will have to do more of houswork as pregnancy progresses and once baby born because you will have less time and be more tired. tell him because it's your responsibility you will deal with paying all bills and get necessary forms which he then has to sign. you will need have access to joint account and keep him fully informed because you are a partnership and it's both your money. don't tell him off- just say you understand because he is working long hours he has little time to do it and if in retail he will have less time in run up to xmas.

$17mma

helen21 wrote:

Sometimes drastic measures are needed, maybe its time to kick his a**e, tell him you are no longer gonna live like this therefore he can hand over all monies to you and let you deal with it all, or tell him to leave! Maybe a shock tactic is needed!

I agree! you need to demand security for you and your children.

Becles

Once baby arrives and is settled, have a search on the site for homeworking. There have been a number of threads on the subject.

As suggested, you could take in ironing or perhaps go and clean for a couple of hours in neighbours houses if hubby will babysit. You could plan 1-2 hour sessions around baby's breastfeeds. I know it's not great, but it'll bring a few pennies in.

There are companies like Avon, Kleeneze, Betterware etc. You could take the children with you when you deliver and collect the brochures.

If you have a hobby, is there anyway you could turn that into a business? Like making and selling decorated cakes or making jewellry?

There's mystery shopping where you get told to go to a shop and follow a set brief. The jobs are on an ad hoc basis and pay can be poor, but often you get to keep the small purchases you make. You can take children on some jobs but it depends on the nature of the job.

For more ideas, try this site: http://www.homeworking.co.uk/

I like the scare tactic idea though. That's wicked!!

Good luck!

kiwichick

Hiya Tray,

Sorry to hear about your situation, it must be hard to cope with,especially while pregnant.

While not quite the same situation, my DH was the only name on ALL our household bits and pieces while we were both working. It seemed fine until baby came along. I needed,as you do,to be able to have a say in where the money went but he never got around to it.

What I did was to write out the letters myself, explaining that as the main account name I was giving permission for my wife to deal with this account and make any changes necessary. I put all my contact details on it and then got DH to sign them. This way he COULDNT SAY NO as it was right in front of him and only required a signature.

Once I was named on the accounts I was able to open the post and see what what was being spent where. I was then able to shop around on the net to find cheaper alternatives. Something I still do now, 3 years on, as different suppliers/offers become avalible to me.

DH did do thewhole "men should deal with the money speach" but I forced myself to ignore it. I knew I had to because he is C**P with money, when we met he owed over £13K on credit cards :eek: We lived with his folks and I worked 2 jobs to pay it off before we could think about saving for a house deposit. There was NO WAY he was being let loose again.

Why dont you give this a try and then check out what you are paying andseeif it could be provided cheaper by someone else? Martins book, which I am reading at the mo, has really good tips on how to do it and an rough idea of how much you could save. See if your library has a copy. Alternatively, the advice is all avalible on MSE if you know where to look.

Hopefully this was of some help to you. I wish you luck and really hope things start to get better for you soon.

Allison.

PS-Have you looked into the SURESTART MATERNITY GRANT? You could get up to £500 for your baby.Giveyour local works and pensions office a call to ask for the application form.