Husband help

carpool72

Hiya Tray, sorry you're feeling overwhelmed by all this. It's absolutely not fair for you to feel you're carrying everything

2 things - 1. I agree with the previous poster -this is exactly what we do, as I deal with all the finances but most things are in OHs name. In fact, many companies I haven't needed to tell them I'm authorised to act for him - I just write the letters and he signs them, or we have set up internet access where possible. It might be worth suggesting to hubby that because you are at home & so have more opportunity you should deal with the day to day finances so he has one less thing to worry about - it's finding a way to deal with things without the emotion. Your OHs bound to be feeling frustrated & useless and maybe wanting to prove he can be a grown-up with money (I know coz I've been there!) so if you can give him an easy way out then he'll be more likely to let you do it.
2. Do you go to any parent & toddler groups etc? It's a great way of getting out & thinking about something else, meeting other adults etc. Your HV or MW should be able to help - ask midwife about nct / sure start / breastfeeding peer support groups - bumps are often as welcome as babies, as well as groups you could go to with your boys.

Good luck!
C

Apple_2

Hello Tray

I've got one exactly like your hubby. There are lots of labels I could use, but I think there's just a black hole in the brain where finances/bills/timing/responsibility is concerned. He kind of does his version of dealing with, which is more like fire-fighting when the s**t hits the fan. 'They'll just have to wait' ( No they don't ) 'Have you paid that in at the bank' ( No he posted it ) etc etc etc. He doesn't understand why I get angry and upset with him - I don't understand why he's so stupid.

Anyways, rant over. But Tray your hubby is a ' man type ' and believe me, there are many many more like him.

june1970_2

Hi Tray,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through, why not look into becoming a childminder that way you are earning money and being at home for your own children.

You get a start up grant which would cover equipment etc that you would need, but if you are having a baby you would have most of it anyway.

If you want to know anymore let me know.

June

ceebeeby

Hiya tray,

Oh poppet .... you need a big hug!

Two thoughts on your email:

1) I'm thinking the idea of writing out the letters to the companies and getting him to sign them sounds like the best idea, and then you have full control over all the bills. Is the salaries / tax credits / child benefit money paid into a joint account? Can you "cream" off the bills money by setting up a standing order to a separate account that just you have access too, and then leaving all the Direct Debits and Standing Orders in that one place, so even if it comes out weeks after payday you'll still have it.

2) Do you really really love and trust him enough to allow him to keep telling you lies and putting the security of you and your precious children in jeopardy. If he hasn't already lost your trust and respect from what he's already done, how much longer will it be before he does?

Why don't you print out these emails and wrap his sandwiches in them tomorrow - and then he'll be able to see that from the way you've described it, we think he's being totally unreasonable and irresponsible as far as his lovely wife and children are concerned and he should stop being so selfish!!!

And for you here's a big hug x

black-saturn

Have a look at my site which might give you some answers:

Emotional Abuse

iwanttosave_2

i sometimes have this problem with OH when we got together as he earns more we agreeed that he would pay rent, coucil tax and tv licence, now he pays the rent then the first payment on the other two and cancelled the direct debits, he only bothered to sort things out when bailiff letters came through the door. He has the money to pay for them but just doesn't, We have just moved and he is so much better now he just gives me the money and i pay them, its a bit more messing about for me but at least i have the security and peace of mind. He mainly started to change when i was pregnant and we were going through alsorts of trouble with landlord an what not, i was crying alot and i think it finally got through to him just how bad i was feeling.

I think your best bet is to lay your cards on the table and tell him just how upset you are and tell him to stand up, be a man and take care of his family. Then like i said go through all the finances and say you will happily sort the debts out so long as he gives you the money at the end of the week (many will say "let him sort the mess out himself" but at the end of the day you need the securety that your bills will be paid)

tray_3

Thanks for the suggestions believe me I've tried it all.
Scare tactics doesn't work, i've tried it before. He knows I can't leave..I don't even drive. Nowhere to go.
2 avon ladies in my son's class and one down my road, I'd not find any customers..same goes for the others and phoenix cards. All those jobs are taken around here. All I can find that's genuine paid out homework is adult. I don't want my children overhearing dirty conversations.
I don't really know anyone to offer cleaning too (and I'm rubbish at it anyway) my neighbour's Mum does hers while she babysits. The other thing is if i do find some rubbishy paid job, they'll take my tax credits and i'll be worse off. I also spend about 3-4 hours a day out walking, the school run takes that long as the school is quite a way from me and I have to do it 3 times. I don't have an awful lot of time leftover after seeing to my own family.
Oh and my house isn't safe (or big) enough to childmind. It would never pass the checks. As we have no money and it's falling to bits. This makes me lonely as i'm too embarrassed to invite other mums round my house. My town is well off..they have fancy perfect houses. Mine is something off DIY sos and the size of a shoebox.
I don't have any skills to be a wahm, I'm not arty. I wish i could continue my studies (I was in the middle of a physics degree when I had my eldest) but no way can afford to study now. OU is so expensive.
So that bugs me too, I can't even make use of my time at home so i can get a great job when they are all at school.
I'm planning on taking over all the money as soon as he has cleaned the mess up. I've always been the one to do it.
I hope perhaps making him sort his mess out for once he'd learn this time. I'm also concerned for my health as anytime I get involved in his mess I discover more trouble..hyperventilate, have a panic attack and spend the next week on the loo (i have ulcerative colitis, aggrivated by stress..bloody scary when pregnant).
We are getting a remortgage but the first broker turned out to be well dodgy and we've wasted months on it. Trying with someone else now. Once it's done I'm in charge. That's if he ever bothers to get me permission. Bloody data protection grr.

Looks like lots of excuses I know but I truly have explored every option, ebayed anything worth it and talked nicely, screamed, shouted, written notes to my husband. I am thinking about approaching his Mum though. Perhaps she can make him seem sense.

Thanks again for your advice.

Savvy_Sue

tray wrote:

This makes me lonely as i'm too embarrassed to invite other mums round my house. My town is well off..they have fancy perfect houses. Mine is something off DIY sos and the size of a shoebox.

I wouldn't worry about that. You only see the outside. And the BEST friends will invite you to their houses so your babe has more space to play!

I wouldn't wait until he'd sorted out the mess to take over. Start taking over now. Set up an account in YOUR NAME ONLY and get the child benefit etc paid in there for starters. If you have a joint account as your main one, set up a standing order to cover all the bills etc into your account - don't wait for him to do it. BT won't care WHO pays the bill as long as someone does: open the next bill (steam it open if you have to) and get the reference no. from that, set up the DD with a form from YOUR bank.

Don't wait for him to do things: write letters and ask him to sign them in front of you "to save you time, dear". Get forms for standing orders and direct debits from the bank - even if it's not a joint account I don't see any bank refusing to send these out!

If he won't even sign things, then it may be time to get out! He may have a black hole in his brain, equally he may enjoy the power he can exercise over you by not managing the money, scaring you half to death etc.

tray_3

Thanks..DD are no good when you are paid 4 weekly though! I'll look into standing orders though. At the moment we have those payment cards for utilities but I don't live near anywhere that takes them so I "rely" on dh doing it near his work. I have written letters before for him to sign..faking it is the only option. Only risked it with that for my student loan deferment as they don't know his signature (had to say he "supported me" financially).
If i put him on the spot - e.g. dial the number of who he needs to ring and hand it to him he throws a strop. Telling me because I'm a nag no wonder he doesn't pay the bills.
I didn't start like that, I do try and ask nicely. After 7 years together..5 years of this problem it's hard to keep calm and not have a go at him (especially when he lies about paying something..and then someone turns up on your door for the money like recently with our water bill!). He thinks i'm unreasonable but I'm sure any other woman would get angry too.
Sorry rambling on again. I don't have any other people to talk to, just husband and he's the problem! All the other mums at school are at least 10 years older than me, socialise down the gym (can't afford that so I'm left out) and drive their mpvs..i don't exactly have anything in common.

margaretclare

tray wrote:

Thanks..DD are no good when you are paid 4 weekly though! I'll look into standing orders though. At the moment we have those payment cards for utilities but I don't live near anywhere that takes them so I "rely" on dh doing it near his work.!!

It IS possible to cope with direct debits even when paid 4-weekly.

We both get state retirement pensions (each) and they're paid 4-weekly. (Yes, I know the option now exists to have them paid weekly, but we're both used to budgeting by the month.) We both pay into a joint account from which all direct debits go, all household payments go out from that account and everything is on regular monthly payments.

It does take a little time and effort to set up though, and it's best if both partners are of one mind and willing to work together. Which is not the case in your marriage, I'm very sorry to hear.

It's my belief - based on long experience - that no marriage or partnership can survive long-term unless both partners are willing to co-operate, talk to each other about important things like budgeting, saving, what to spend on what etc. It's not a question of 'the man deals with the money' - that's rubbish, it may have been the case once but is now well out-of-date.

My sympathies!

Aunty Margaret