What would you do ? Gambling/Alcohol problem

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

ailuro2 wrote: »

This is all a means to an end though- you need to imagine how you'd feel getting the phone call that your father was driving drunk with your son in the car, no seatbelts on etc...:sad: funny thing is dad is manic about childrens security in car, gives off to other people for not having boosters etc That's why you know you can't ever let your father look after your son again- you have turned a blind eye in the past I've never turned a blind eye, the fact that's he's been caught drink driving only came to light last night due to police summons, and he sacked the girl who runs the office she phoned me and told all, as she is genuinely worried about him( she's worked with him for 10 years ), but now he's been found out you have been forced to face facts I am personally glad he's been caught as I am not at home anymore I didn't see his drink problem getting so bad normally just a few pints on a Friday then a taxi/lift home now he's drinking heavier his judgement is totally goneand he thinks nothing of getting behind the wheel. I hope he gets a lifetime ban or jail

Your son's health and wellbeing come before anyone else's feelings...you know what to do, be brave and do it!!

Thanks for your comments I have added some information as I know it is hard to gain the full story from a post or two, I have been tossing and turning worrying about him, my son, my mum, money, and I've been in tears all day. It occured to me I could have half brothers or sisters out there I don't even know about, Life always seems so easy then you get hit by a curve ball !!!

ailuro2

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA wrote: »

I have no proof but think he may have drank in the past while looking after my son, possibly driving him places:eek:

your biggest worry is not your father - he's been having an affair for 24 years - that sums up his commitment to his family from what you've posted. your first priority is your son.

You really need to take a step back and imagine what you'd tell a friend if she told you this- would you tell her not to put her son at risk, and to detatch herself from her father cos he's no good, and yes she may have more family waiting in the wings??

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I can't quite follow your timetable, but is your son going to your parents / OH's parents the day before they care for him? my mums while I'm working 8-6 and after dinner pops down to other halfs parents who live close to us, they cannot offer full time childcare for him as they are in the late 60's and other halfs mum is registered blind If so, that may get quite disruptive. And as children get older, it seems to me inevitable that they see slightly less of family: there start to be fewer available hours in the day when they're at school! I agree
All my husbands siters bring their kids to husbands parents on a saturday and we all spend 3/4 hours seeing everyone so this helps

However, a temporary suggestion: can you adjust your hours so that you don't have to work on Tuesdays short-term while you try to find a childminder who will take him after school / during holidays? work is quite ridgid I work in a bank full time 9-5 monday to friday and have done for 10 years, part-time work takes a year or so to get agreed and is only permitted if it fits in with business needs, giving up my job is not an option as I have amassed great benefits and would lose cheap loans, cheap mortgage, pension benefits, profit share £1k per year and sharesave scheme etc etc my husband is a joiner and could maybe drop a day but I think the after school club at his current school would prob be the best option or maybe getting another mum to take him for a few hours, £40 a week would be tight but under the circumstances necessary imo, school hols would be ok with my mum 5 days a week 9 her health permitting but she has the least agressive form of M and tbh I think my son gives her a reason to fight it without hi I would fear her health deteroriating as she would have nothing to do all day and no company

Oh, and be prepared for him to be EXHAUSTED once school proper starts, even if your journey is free of hold ups it's a long one for a tiddler! He's good in the car, used to long journeys the school is right beside my mum's house and travel doesn't seem to be too bad

But if you're in any doubt that your mum will let dad drive your son while under the influence, she wouldn't intentionally but if my dad was out with my son they migth end up in the pub and it's the trip home that worrys me I would risk the bust-up and change ALL your arrangements, in which case a closer school would probably work better.

Addictions: Gam-Anon, Al-Anon both offer support to the families of addicts, and that may be useful to both you and your mum.

Oh, and have you looked into whether you'd get more tax credits if you were paying for childcare?

thanks for the info will check out both links

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

ailuro2 wrote: »

your biggest worry is not your father - he's been having an affair for 24 years - that sums up his commitment to his family from what you've posted. your first priority is your son.

You really need to take a step back and imagine what you'd tell a friend if she told you this- would you tell her not to put her son at risk, and to detatch herself from her father cos he's no good, and yes she may have more family waiting in the wings??

I agree and will hopefully get some alternative arrangement when I can think straight, I'm just really emotional at the minute, Bank hol here on monday so will start checking it out on Tuesday but i really don't want to punnish my Mum for something my dad is doing. as much as I hate him right now ( me and my sister agreed life would be so much easier if he disappeared) we had a scare last week when he was hospitalised with pains in his chest but it looks like he'd only been doing heavy lifting but it scares me to think of the risks he's taking not to mention the financial mess he is in ( scared of reprocussions on my mum) excuse spelling it's hard to type when crying !!
thanks

shellsuit

Sorry to be blunt, but I'd rather live on the bones on my backside for a while while trying to sort something else out, than have to worry that one of my children may come to harm.

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

shellsuit wrote: »

Sorry to be blunt, but I'd rather live on the bones on my backside for a while while trying to sort something else out, than have to worry that one of my children may come to harm.

I appreciate what your saying but until you've been there it's not fair to judge, I have never taken risks knowingly with my son this only came to light last night. there's lots of things to think about obviously my sons safety is my primary concern but other issues are clouding my judgement and I'm just try to get some USEFUL suggestions and I thank the posted who hae proveded these thus far. I will not let my father have any more contact with my son that is not supervised by myself. Agreed, but now I am looking help with the other issues and I really don't need to be lectured on child safety. Thank you for your comments
I have came to this forum for help and support as I believe most people do and as you will see from my previous posts on other threads always try to help and be sympathitic now I just need some of that coming my way in my time of need.

ailuro2

ps I just noticed your signature- if you're going to be debt free by June 09, then you'll be paying around £1k a month to that- if you were to pay for childcare, how much longer would it take to get rid of your debt?

Just trying to find practical solutions for you, it might not be the cheapest option, but peace of mind is priceless.
You could always stop in at your Mum's for a cup of tea on the way home from work/school club a couple of nights a week, or even better, stay for tea- then you don't have to cook! two birds, one stone.;) Make usre your Mum knows it's not personal - she will have enough racing through her mind at the moment- it might be good for her to have extra time to think through her own actions, life etc. if she has any plans to get rid of your father, no I don't mean under the patio- but she might decide to throw him out to go live with his floozy anyway.

3onitsway

As someone has mentioned, would it be possible for you/oh to use some annual leave for Tuesdays for a few weeks to start with?

Once he's at school and you've had a chance to meet other parents, you might find alternative childcare for a Tuesday.

It wasn't til my DD started school that I realised that there were about 10 childminders taking/collecting children from her school.

shellsuit

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA wrote: »

I appreciate what your saying but until you've been there it's not fair to judge, I have never taken risks knowingly with my son this only came to light last night. there's lots of things to think about obviously my sons safety is my primary concern but other issues are clouding my judgement and I'm just try to get some USEFUL suggestions and I thank the posted who hae proveded these thus far. I will not let my father have any more contact with my son that is not supervised by myself. Agreed, but now I am looking help with the other issues and I really don't need to be lectured on child safety. Thank you for your comments
I have came to this forum for help and support as I believe most people do and as you will see from my previous posts on other threads always try to help and be sympathitic now I just need some of that coming my way in my time of need.

I read that you already knew about your Dads drink driving and bans, but last night the affair and gambling etc came to light. Sorry if I'm wrong but that is the way that is reads.

If you don't want to move his school, can't afford a childminder and can't afford to take a Tuesday off work (or swap hours whatever), then I don't think there is a great deal you can do to be honest.

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

ailuro2 wrote: »

ps I just noticed your signature- if you're going to be debt free by June 09 (unfortunately not we pay £450/mth in structured loan repayments and the rest will be cleared from maturing share options in June, can't get access until then), then you'll be paying around £1k a month to that- if you were to pay for childcare, how much longer would it take to get rid of your debt?

Just trying to find practical solutions for you, it might not be the cheapest option, but peace of mind is priceless.
You could always stop in at your Mum's for a cup of tea on the way home from work/school club a couple of nights a week ( it would only be me as I wold need to travel 25 miles to pick up son and 25 miles to take him back), or even better, stay for tea- then you don't have to cook! two birds, one stone.;) Make usre your Mum knows it's not personal - she will have enough racing through her mind at the moment- it might be good for her to have extra time to think through her own actions, life etc. if she has any plans to get rid of your father, no I don't mean under the patio-( very tempting) but she might decide to throw him out to go live with his floozy anyway( i just wish she had the guts to do that, me & sis have kindof know about floozy for the last 12 years, god knows how long mum's known but it's never mentioned and she still makes him dinner every night !!!!!).

I live in M which is 20ish miles from R where school & mums are and I work in A which is a further 5 miles from mums 25 miles each way, so if son went to school in M where we life Mum would hardly ever see him due to her commitments with Gran, I would be happy if she continued to keep him 4 days a week ( dad would never take him on those days as she is always there) my problem is every Tuesday when she's at Grans and for the last year during schooltime dad was taking him and all seemed fine but I would say over the last few months and certainly the last 2/3 weeks he has got soo much worse with drink and stupid decisions...but that's an alcholic for you, we have noticed all his family have addictive personallities, drinkers, gamblers and his dad also drank heavily..... good job I broke the cycle I have about 4 units a weeks or sometimes none and when i go out I get drunk on the sniff of a bar mans apron :rotfl: Husband drinks once a week and mid week wouldn't touch the stuff

I am truely greatful for all suggestions, and i don't want people to think I am trying to be awkward but thats just the way my life is seemingly perfect until yesterday