What would you do ? Gambling/Alcohol problem

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

This is the situation
I live 25 miles away from my mum, she look after my 4 year old son who is starting school in a week. She can look after him 4 days a week the other day she looks after my long term ill grandmother, so my father looks after my son one day a week during school time, school is very near there house and so far this arrangement has worked well.
The problem is my dad has recently ( last two years ) been living a wilder life than normal, he been caught for drunk driving twice in 3 weeks and has two pending court cases only found out last night ( I don't condone this at all and personally hope he gets a lengthy ban or jail time, might wise him up) It has transpired this weekend that he has been having an affair over the last 24 years, has a house we didn't know about and has a massive gambling problem ( average £500 per day ) and a massive drink problem ( knew he drunk a few but it's every day during the day etc)and possibly massive debt it's also apparent he has a drink problem and a problem with thinking he is above the law. My mum is kind of aware of most of this but has given up trying to change he as he doesn't listen, they have been married over 30 years and she has been diagnose with MS 6 years ago but manages well and loves looking after my son ( her only grandchild).
The situation I face is do I change my sons school and get him looked after by someone else ( my husbands side of the familt could help but would need paid due to there own financial problems )to keep him away from my dad causing us great financial difficulty and my mum distress ( I know she is not to blame ) or do I try to get my son looked after by somelse on a Tuesday as mum is not available ( not going to be easy as I don't have any other family near where he is due to go to school), leaving my Dad annoyed and possibly causing further family breakdown. My dad is the type of person who thinks 5 + beer will still be ok to drive, I have no proof but think he may have drank in the past while looking after my son, possibly driving him places:eek: and I have information that he has had my 4 year old in the bookies:mad:

Other information which might be helpful
He is self employed and has just sacked the only person I trust in his work to keep an eye and make sure he doesn't do the thinks mentions above.
I know if he gets a ban he will continue to drive against everyone in my familys advice.
My son has been to the adjoining nursery of the school he is due to go to so has friends
Me and my husband work full time but have 10k of debt and don't own our house yet so any more outgoings would make life very difficult
Work parttime is not an option as this is not available in my workplace my husband maybe could drop one day a week but again financial implications
My husband is aware of the full situation and feel the same as me
If anyone has any suggestions I would be very glad to here them, thanks for listening
Even if anyone has ideas/experience of dealing with a drink problem and gambling problem I would be very glad to hear what you have to say

cobbingstones

So sorry to hear of your problems. I personality would not have my son with him, knowing that he could be in an unfit state when driving etc. You sound like you know this already. Please change his nursery asap and don't put him or yourselves in a position of regret.

Best wishes to you

MM

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

I agree but is it fair to take him from my mum who has been looking after him for 4 years? How will we afford it ? I'm currently looking into a friend of my mum's looking after him on a Tuesday but my mum is against this ( I just can't believe she can't see how this is a problem ) I don't know anyone else local to my mum who could look after him, I am going to contact the school to see if the after school club to take him at this late stage, this way i could drop him off and pick him up but again not sure where we are going to get the money from but I totally agree with you wouldn't like something to happen and regret not making athis hard decision.

I would still be glad to hear what everyone else has to say re the gambling / drinking

Thanks K

sarymclary

Is there a school nearer that has an after school club? could you ask at the school he currently goes to and ask if there are any mum's who might be willing to look after him on the 1 day a week your mum can't?

It sounds like your dad is in denial about his problems, and is bullying those around him to agree with him. My DH was an alcoholic, and the only thing that ever got him to try to sort himself out was everyone in our whole family standing up to him and saying enough is enough. He moved away for a while, but did begin to sort himself out (after hitting rock bottom). The problem was, that he didn't get any professional help, and therefore never dealt with his problem properly, so it resurfaced a few years later.

The alcoholism has possibly developed as a means of coping with the worry of his double life and his gambling problem. These are issues that only professional guidance can help him with, but he'd have to be in a place of wanting help for it to work. Your mother is possibly scared of a life without him around, and will tolerate whatever he does for a quieter life anyway, but you do not have to do this.

I know finances are an issue, but I would suggest you do as much research for alternatives as possible. Why not contact your local health visitor, or even do a search online for any childminders in your local area. It may be you only need a bit of help before/after school.

I hope you get things sorted out, but I would strongly recommend you do not allow your child to be looked after by your dad. He has an addiction problem, so has little control over his actions, you are not, and placing your child in a potentially dangerous situation would be frowned upon should anything unforseen happen. Doing it to keep the peace within the family or to save £ would not be seen as much of a defence if he crashes his car, or an accident in the home takes place.

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

I agree with all that you have said, I am thinking of telling him this week that he will not be looking after my son and the possibility of having no contact with his only grandchild may help he see the light, I realise I cannot do this for him but it might be the shove that he needs.
I agree with what you say the alcohol & gambling are a coping mechnism but I had never though of it this way.
The after school club is in the school but I am not sure if they still have places but I am prepared to explain my situation to the school if needs be.
My only sibling ( older sister ) lives 25 miles the other side of my mum and dads she also agrees with me and has suggesting contact my doctor who is also my dad's doctor ( he has known dad all his life ) so see if he has any suggestions... would he be able to say/do anything ?
Thanks for all your input so far, i really appreciate getting others views on my situation without making the situation public and causing my mum embrassment, thanks again

Gingham_Ribbon

It's a long way for the lad to travel to school every day. How did you get him into a school so far away from your home and how have you managed to keep your doctor when presumably he/she is also over 20 miles away?

That aside, my personal preference would be to put him in a school nearer home and use an after school club or child minder, as you will be saving on time and petrol money/wear and tear on the car. You'll be coming home earlier in the evenings so maybe you'll save on food if you're currently too tired to cook from scratch? It may not be as prohibitively expensive as you think. If you think your husband could drop some hours at work, then you can almost certainly make an after school club at least for most of the week work.

Can your mum come over once or twice a week rather than your son going to her? It sounds like she is coping very well at the moment, but would you have to take him out of the school near her if her health deteriorates? (Her MS sounds well controlled but I'm trying to be practical.)

Whatever you do, try to make sure the grandparents still get to see him as often as you can manage. (But don't let your dad look after him on his own.)

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

It's a long way for the lad to travel to school every day. How did you get him into a school so far away from your home ( I lived with my parents when he was enrolled) and how have you managed to keep your doctor when presumably he/she is also over 20 miles away? ( he's been the family doctor all my life, he has a surgeryhalf way between mine and my parents, he specialises in back problem which me and dad both have so we've both decided to stay with him)

That aside, my personal preference would be to put him in a school nearer home and use an after school club ( possibility at his existing school which he had spent the last year at the adjoining nursery so has built up alot of friends) or child minder ( cost would be £500 + a month and we simply don't have that), as you will be saving on time and petrol money/wear and tear on the car ( ironically my dad is a mechanic so whgile we're talking repairs are free!). You'll be coming home earlier in the evenings ( get home at 6 as it is so not too bad) so maybe you'll save on food if you're currently too tired to cook from scratch?( always cook dinner between me and husband so no savings here) It may not be as prohibitively expensive as you think. If you think your husband could drop some hours at work, then you can almost certainly make an after school club at least for most of the week work.

Can your mum come over once or twice a week rather than your son going to her?( Me & my husband get very little time with outson due to work commitments so we like to spend evenings/weekends/holidays with him and he has other grandparents and counsins of Oh's side to see too, can't split him in two) It sounds like she is coping very well at the moment, but would you have to take him out of the school near her if her health deteriorates? (no probs in the last 6 years but we would have to cross that bridge when we come to it) (Her MS sounds well controlled but I'm trying to be practical.)

Whatever you do, try to make sure the grandparents ( he still sees OH parents 2/3 evenings a week and on Sat/Sun for a few hours)still get to see him as often as you can manage.( as above with my mum looking after him 5 days a week during holidays & 4 times a week school time she gets to see him alot, if we move him she would never see him as she spends weekends looking after Gran) (But don't let your dad look after him on his own. while I am not there how can I be sure mum in a moment of weakness will not let dad take him out in the car !!)[/quote]

I appreciate all of your comments and have posted comments how I see them below.
My life is hectic
Monday work all day - Oh dad comes down for a few hours
Tuesday work all day - housework/dinner pm - oh takens son to his parents
Wednesday work all day - housework/dinner pm and spend time with son
Thursday work all day housework/dinner -oh takes son to his parents
Friday work all day housework/dinner - oh goes out I spend time with son
Sat go to my mums for a few hours/OH's mum for few hours to see cousins,
Sun get a lie in for a few hours then housework/ironing...
I don't get a chance to socialise, I occasionally get time to sell on ebay, i can barely keep on top of the housework

So as you can see the normal schedule of working mum trying to let everyone see her precious son...my sister doesn;t get to see him very often as she lives so far away and works long hours...I can't possibly fit anything else into my life...maybe if my dad's life was half as hectiche wouldn't have had time for an affair:rotfl: have to laugh otherwise I'll cry again

thanks for the comments

sarymclary

Our family GP would not intervene in an addiction problem. They would only get involved if the patient themselves seeks the help (we tried to get the GP to go to his home to have a chat off the record). Our only hope was that an emergency medical condition would present itself and we could have him admitted into hospital for help that way. It didn't happen, and he just died. A drug or alcohol misuser will avoid contact with anyone who might be able to confront them about their problem (like a doctor).

I moved my child to a different school at a similar age to your's (Y1), and he did just fine, and has lots of friends. It was harder for me than him I think! I would consider looking around for a school nearer to your home/work that has after school provision, or get networking locally to find another carer to help you out.

I think it's obvious you have no control over what happens with your son once he's at your parent's house, and that in itself is a worry. Whilst your dad is so headstrong about being OK, I think you will have to do your best to be independent. I wouldn't go worrying about how often everyone is getting to see your child. What is most important here is that he is safe and well cared for. I'm sure relatives will visit you if they want to see him anyway, but don't take on board all the responsibility for how often, who, when, where he is seen.

Do as much investigation as you can, then take action.

ailuro2

your petrol costs will be more than £40 a week just for getting to and from your parents, that's not taking into account the money spent driving back to work then back again, iyswim, around here that £40 could get your son into an after school club for the week, and the extra hours you gain from not travelling will buy you extra time to do an extra hours work every day.
Also using registered childcare you can qualify for working families tax credits towards the cost of childcare, can also use vouchers to not pay the tax on the childcare fees.

Sit down and do your sums, try to cut out the emotional 'but Mum will be upset' issue.
Then when you know you can afford to change his school (better now than halfway through the year) you can deal with your Mum.

This is all a means to an end though- you need to imagine how you'd feel getting the phone call that your father was driving drunk with your son in the car, no seatbelts on etc...:sad: That's why you know you can't ever let your father look after your son again- you have turned a blind eye in the past, but now he's been found out you have been forced to face facts.

Your son's health and wellbeing come before anyone else's feelings...you know what to do, be brave and do it!!

Savvy_Sue

I can't quite follow your timetable, but is your son going to your parents / OH's parents the day before they care for him? If so, that may get quite disruptive. And as children get older, it seems to me inevitable that they see slightly less of family: there start to be fewer available hours in the day when they're at school!

However, a temporary suggestion: can you adjust your hours so that you don't have to work on Tuesdays short-term while you try to find a childminder who will take him after school / during holidays?

Oh, and be prepared for him to be EXHAUSTED once school proper starts, even if your journey is free of hold ups it's a long one for a tiddler!

But if you're in any doubt that your mum will let dad drive your son while under the influence, I would risk the bust-up and change ALL your arrangements, in which case a closer school would probably work better.

Addictions: Gam-Anon, Al-Anon both offer support to the families of addicts, and that may be useful to both you and your mum.

Oh, and have you looked into whether you'd get more tax credits if you were paying for childcare?

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

My work is 5 miles the other side of my mum's, a transfers would take over a year, so moving to a new school would mean still doing the same travel for me no saving and paying out extra for carer 5 days a week

thanks everyone who has answered so far, My dad is probably the biggest worry now getting him out fo this hole he's in, he loves my son dearly as my dad has two daughters and never had a son but always wanted one this is the son that he never had ....thats another reason it makes me so angry at how irresponsible he is but as some have aid I suppose the addiction has control over him!!

thaks Again