my partners grumpy xmas attitude!

Peakma

I'm not one of these xmas mad people who get the tree up weeks early,over decorate the house and garden, and spend a fortune on too many pressies for every member of the family.
But I do like to try and make it a specical, magical day for the kids( age 6,4 and 17 months).I try and start shopping early,not because "I'm obsessed with spending money" as he thinks, but because I like to have time to pick up the right bargains when they're available.
My partner has just really annoyed me, it's all arranged to leave the kids with mum all day tomorrow, so we can do he xmas shopping tomorrow together in the car( I don't drive) This has been arranged for at least a week, but he now says he's not going,it's too late to make any other plans, apart from me going on my own, carrying a whole xmas shop, and everything for my little boys b'day party next week -food, prizes etc.- on the bus -which is a 45min ride each way.I'm so cross, I was really looking forward to spending the day with him, without the kids, to choose stuff together for them.
He has never wrapped a single pressie in the 7 years we've been together.Last year I did it all on my own, shopping and wrapping.He was mardy that he had to get up "early"to watch the kids open them, and sat their grunting"if you think I'm going to let them think father xmas paid for this lot, you can forget it.....moan....moan..moan"
I't's not just xmas he's a misserable b*s**rd , it's pretty much all the time really....
valetines day-never gets me a card or anything, he did make me a lovely wooden heart one year(maybe a replica of his own!-I'm aload to be cruel, he's realy dropped me in it)
Mothers day , he tries to make as hard work for me as possible, doesn't get the kids to make cards or anything don't even get a lie - in,same on my birthday actually,quite happy to go along with fathers day though!
Pancake day-"who makes the rules we've got to eat pancakes today?"
Easter-"can't they just have a chocolate bar,instead of an egg"
Halloween- " why do we have to copy american commercial ideas, what right do kids have to demand sweets of neighbours?"
Bonfire night-"It's sick, fireworks should be banned"
We rarely go on family days out, if we do he makes it far harder than any stroppy teenager ever could .We dont go out together-far too much effort,he'd have to actualy leave the house!
I've had three home births, the first, I was fetching the coal in from outside 5 hours later.The second he made me feel guilty to hold the new baby if it wasn't feeding him so i could get on with looking after baby no.1(he was only 15 months at the time.after baby no.3 was born he dissapeared up the garden for hours as soon as the midwives had left, and the next day I did all the childcare and cooking, while he lay on the sofa"I didn't understand the emotional journey he'd been on"apparantly.
Well I've moaned on enough now,sorry, got it off my chest though. Does anyone else have to put up with such an unhelpful partner? (believe me, I could honestly go on all night about how annoying our relationship is- but I wont bore you any more) , or has everyone else got the sense to leave such a negative impact on their lives , and move on- I think the only reason we still live toghether is because we are parents to the same children and they adore him as he's the "nice one" who always says "yes" where as I have to be the firm one who draws the line(which he usually encurages them to cross, or just blatently undermines me.) , and I dont want to take them away from their Daddy.Every new year-when he obviously doesn't want to acknowldge that other people are celebrating and having fun, I do wish that I was starting it more possitively.....oh okay moan deffinately over now.
Reading this back,I think splitting up is the obvios answer, maybe I'm just too much of a wimp to take the step, find a decent rented house in area,(we live in a village,with a good school) and don't want to face all the conflicts which go with break- ups.Anyone got any good advice? I'l be amazed if anyones even read this whole moaning,miserable message!!Xmas will be good for kids though. whatever it takes.

coupon_king_2

Try " ROASTING HIS CHESTNUTS ON AN OPEN FIRE "that might bring the spirit of christmas back !

Mumstheword

Blimey, that makes for heavy reading!! You are really going through it aren't you?

Well, for what it's worth, I'll tell you what I think.

You have already recognised that splitting up is a drastic move which will obviously cause upset to everyone involved. Sometimes, that is the only option left. However, it doesn't look like you've quite reached that stage yet.

I think a crisis meeting is in order. Just the two of you. Get the kids minded, book in with him for a full day...it'll take that, and more. Let him decide when, and tell him that you need to talk to him about your future plans. Might be a good idea to write your feelings down, as it could become anemotionally charged time.

When you do chat, try to keep calm and ask him if he can help you work out a way to bring up your children together, because the current system just isn't working for you, and isn't good enough for your children. Imagine you were talking to your boss at work, no screaming, no emotional heart strings, just a very calm - look i'm not happy here, I'd like your help to change that. He needs to realise that you mean it, and that means no shouting or anything. In my experience, calm explainations and demands to work out future plans shock the other person into realising that you are serious, not just flying off the handle and saying things to hurt in anger. If he knows you've considered the practicalities like housing and schools and distance from friends, relatives, etc, then he'll get the idea that you really have considered moving out.

Anyway, I don't really know anything of your personal circumstances, so it's easy for me to say all of this. Only you know how he might take whatever you decide to say. Of course, you shouldn't take my advice if you think you will end up in a worse position.

good luck, and best wishes, let us all know how you are going on.

Spendless

First of all Peakma - Big Hug and :-* to you

Though my husband helps with kids and housework i've just had a very similar conversation with him about what my life is like to

i gave him an example of us both booking a dentists appointment

Hubby boooks dentist appt gets up goes to it and goes on to work

Me booking dentist appt - can i have one school term time between the hours of 10-2 so i don't have to worry about eldest one and then either take the baby with me hoping she'll behave, or take someone with me to dentists so they can hold baby or find someone to babysit for a few hours (diificult when a lot of my family work)

Lot of difference between the two of us arranging a dental appt isn't there ::)

We have had to do what mumstheword has just described say we weren't happy about certain things (the dental appt is just an example of hoiw my life differs to his, i don't mean we rowed about dentist appts ) and worked something out.

Could you arrange a day out or even overnighter so you have some time to yourself and leave hubby in charge.

Do you have BBC3? There is a programme on there called 'who rules the roost' basically the husband and wife swap roles for a few weeks and their progress is followed. I have yet to see a programme where anyone thought being with the kids was a doddle and has been many an eye -opener in lots of cases. Might be worth watching.

Good Luck

La_Fenice

Sounds more like a grumpy attitude to life in general to me :-/....you poor things...all of you...even him! Do you think he might be depressed or has he always been like that?

Not that it's much help to you but I tolerated an unhappy situation for years til one day I just thought 'life doesn't have to be like this'...I upped and went leaving husband, house, pets, job even the country I was living in. (No kids, fortunately!) Was the bravest, most difficult thing I've ever done but did not have one single regret afterwards. We've both moved on and had much better lives as a result.

Not saying it's right for you at the moment but just wanted to say...if it comes to that then it will be hard but you will all get through it. You don't have to put up with a cr*ppy life...there is an alternative!

Really hope you get sorted.

:-* :-* :-*

Jay-Jay_4

Peakma you have a PM

rushnowt

Gosh Peakma,

It took a while to calm down before i could respond to this (your cry for help) i was so angry and upset all at the same time. Let me first say i fully understand what your going through (but thats a different story) lets concentrate on your situation.

First and foremost whatever you decide to do,remember at the moment he is controlling you, however subtly it may seem.

As you've pointed out you have 3 very young children and splitting up would be a very hard and difficult thing for you to do, I can understand why they "love" daddy, but daddy is not being fair to them or you. The children do need to have some rules and guide lines and you can not achieve this on your own without his support at all times. If you are not strong enough to make a decision for your own health and sanity, make it for your childrens sake.

You mention 7 years that you have been in this relationship, has it always been the same or have things changed over a matter of time, you don't mention if he works, could this be a contributary factor to his moodyness. If he is working could it be possible that work is getting him down and that it is affecting his home life, if he's not could it then be possible that he is depressed and feels dissatified with his own life that he is not able to provide you and his children with the pleasures he feels you deserve.

You have been given some great advice here as to sitting down and trying to discuss these issues, have you tried to do this in the past? if so what was his response. Obviously his depression/moodyness etc is affecting the whole family and causing misery alround and he really does need to be aware of this.

If you have decided to stick with the relationship in the vain hope that things will change, this may only be possible if you change you own attitude, for instance as i've said he is controlling you, if you make plans in the future and he then turns around and says "i'm not going" he knows that he has screwed things up for you, don't let it. however difficult it may be for you, just tell him "ok then, i'll see ya later" and go, even if it's just to a friends or anything just get out of the house, make him realise that he is not going to ruin your plans. I appreciate it's easy for people to say and more difficult in practise but if you want things to change i'm afraid you are going to have to be apart of the changing process as much as him.

Before you make any decisions, you need to ask yourself, do you love him, or are you just used to him, are you getting out of this relationship what you deserve, whatever the answer only you can decide on what to do about it, and that has to be based on whats best for you and your children, not him. I don't mean to sound harsh but you can't make things right in your relationship if he doesn't want things to improve himself or he feels that there is nothing wrong.

I really do wish you all the very best and hope that things work out for you and obviously the best outcome would be for you both to sort everything out and for you to all live happily as a family. All my love, hugs and best wishes to you  :-* :-* :-*

ps. if you lived near me i'd take you shopping

scheming_gypsy

I'll apologise now for not being sympathetic as i'm going to be blunt and realistic.

After your first kid you were carrying coal 5 hours later, didn't that give you a hint? yet you still had 2 more kids with him

Didn't you know what he was like before?


As for Christmas shopping?? what did you expect? he's male, we're not built for shopping, we hate it. We do it if and when we have to.
You're also saying that it's too late to arrange something else, no it isn't. Ask him if he can pick you up. simple

Mumstheword

I'll apologise now for not being sympathetic as i'm going to be blunt and realistic.

After your first kid you were carrying coal 5 hours later, didn't that give you a hint? yet you still had 2 more kids with him

Didn't you know what he was like before?


As for Christmas shopping?? what did you expect? he's male, we're not built for shopping, we hate it.  We do it if and when we have to.  
You're also saying that it's too late to arrange something else, no it isn't.  Ask him if he can pick you up. simple

You completely ruined that by apologising for not being sympathetic.
How on earth can you hold your head up? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Now go back to writing verses for greetings cards, and whilst you're at it, 1,000 times please 'I must not be caught apologising again'

;D ;D

BTW, Peakma, did you go shopping? Hope you had a nice day whatever you chose to do without Grumpy!
Had a thought whilst reading through this, you could print it off and let him read everyone else's views. Except S-G's, think Grumpy's found a mate there!

mum

Pink.

There is nothing simple about this situation SG.

Peakma, it upset me to read your account of your relationship. Surely you deserve better than this, but I fully understand your reluctance to split as I also have three small children.

Going to have a think, and get back to you.

Pink

scheming_gypsy

the shopping situation is simple like i said.

he doesn't want to go shopping and she doesn't want to struggle on a 45 minute bus ride with the shopping so if he picks her up they can stop off for tea on the way.

I'm a bloke so trust me on this, even if he did go he'd spend the entire time whinging and whining and she'd be back on here complaining he whinged and whined..
I always lie about the time left on the car park ticket so i don't have to wander round aimlessly.