ex and would be ex-gamblers support thread

brodev

Perhaps some of the partners of compulsive gamblers may be interested in Gam-Anon
http://www.gamanon.org.uk/.

Ames

I've started hiding money because he takes that out of my purse anyway. I'll have to start hiding the cards too I guess, although the current card he has on his poker account and I've been warned by the bank that I've had too many replacements. I think it's time to go into the bank with a story about the chip not working properly. I can't change it to a hole in the wall one because I can be housebound and need to buy things online.

He's not remotely interested in GA. He says he needs proper expensive private psychotherapy to get over it which he can't afford so there's no point. He admits he's a gambler and that he doesn't want to change, he says his problems are too deep to stop and so just carries on. Same with the LBM - he knows there's a problem and just doesn't care.

It's everything. I once went with him into a bookies, I'd given him £20 to go pay the water bill and there in front of me he put it into the roulette machine, but he won so he thought it was ok. He bets on anything and everything, he stole £6k from his employers and gambled it in a weekend. Even that wasn't enough to make him stop and think, but only getting 120 hours community service didn't help him to realise how bad it was. If we go out for a meal or something he'll stand and pour money into the machines, if he goes in for a small 50p accumulator on the football he'll have a couple of bets on the dogs....

riquelme

ive heard myself come out with the same excuses in the past.

ames it may be worth investing £20 in gamblock, he wont be able to gamble online then.

if he is serious he c ould also self exclude himself from all the bookies where you live. he just needs to take a photo

best wishes

fosking

Iv just withdrawn my remaining balances on a couple of betting and casino sites. I'm on a low income so I really can't afford to be placing a single bet as it's not money I can afford to loose.

The sites are such an easy trap to fall into, I opened up an account at Coral to begin with as there was a nice introductory bonus and it was more convenient for me to place my bets at home instead of at the shop. My luck wasn't to bad and I started to make a slow profit. I started looking at other ways of making a quick profit so I turned to the dog racing aswell.
Not content with gambling on horses and dogs I then turned to the online casino's which was my true downfall.

I was depositing money every day onto the sites with little or no return, looking at my online bank account persuading myself one more £10/£20 was ok, but on a low income it was impossible to sustain the amount I was depositing and was soon having questions from my oh where all my wages were going and i simply couldn't tell her

My advice for anybody starting to feel themselves falling into these casino's and bookies is to stay strong and withdraw any balance you have remaining. If you are in profit well done and be proud you have beat the bookies and enjoy the money. If your not doing so well like I was, take the remaining money and run because if you don't the chances are you won't see it again.

GeorgeUK

For the online gambling, although gambling is an addiction, it is also a habit. The repetition can becomes compelling, so if you can replace that habit with another it may be a way to deal with that aspect of it.

I had though of getting a wii or something as i know some people can spend alot of time on games like these, but it's a case of being too busy doing this to have any time for gambling, then the less time gambling - the less the need to gamble.

Weaning yourself slowly off it is not helpful - it just takes a moments weakness and an hour later and a bit of panic you can find yourself in debt for thousands.

You need to identify why you gamble.
To be honest, if i had thought about it - for me i didn't have fun.
It filled some time in the beginning
Then i wanted to make things right by winning back some losses.

It's almost as if when you win you've achieved something. You want to win so that you can fix your mistakes. The reality is that you can't fix anything in the past, you can just try to make the present and future better by not gambling. Those who don't stop even though they have a gambling problem may still be looking for a way to fix their mistakes and make everything better.

It's taking that step back to look at why we are doing this hat seems to lessen the hold that gambling has.

Why gamble?
to win money
Why do you want to win money?
to spend it
on what?
getting out of debt?
so that you can buy something nice?
so that you won't need to gamble?

If you try to follow any of these questions through to the conclusion you'll probably find that most gamblers haven't thought that far ahead.

It seemed a good idea at the time.
I have a different perspective now. Gambling has cost me more than jsut money. I hate to think exactly what i could / have lost.

maytaurus

LOTS of good wishes to all of you
whether gamblers or people affected by gambling
CONGRATULATIONS on trying to help yourselves and/or others with the same issues
I definately agree with
poppyg
''Online gambling is definitely the worst, it genuinely does not seem like real money''

Ames

Well, he cashed his £50 carers allowance giro today and blew the lot in the bookies. Even though he'd arranged to buy dinner for a friend, which I've had to pay for. I told him we needed to talk when he gets home and he told me to shut up. I really don't know what to do about him now.

Sorry, I'm sure you can't help me, but I just wanted to vent to people who wont judge.

cantcope

Hi,
just stumbled upon this thread. It's a shame more people aren't posting as there are plenty of compulsive gamblers on here trying to get out of debt.

Ames, why did you have to pay for the dinner? sounds like he needs a short sharp shock. Surely his carers allowance isnt for blowing in the bookies? As for expensive therapy... there are so many people at my GA group that tried this and said it was a waste of money i think he's just trying to get out of stopping. Why do you put up with it? As a compulsive gambler myself i know what we can be like and to be quite honest i'd tell him to !!!!!! off. He's showing you no respect whatsoever (quite common for a cg). have you ever told him to get help or get out? might be worth a shot.

If he's your carer i'm sure the social could arrange for someone who would actually care for you, not someone who treats you like this.

xx

Ames

I had to pay for the dinner because I was knackered, standing in the rain outside the cash machine and didn't have the energy to argue. Plus he was crafty - he said he wanted the money to buy food for us but when he came out of the shop it had a few bits in that he took round to his friends.

I think I put up with it because until now he's the only friend/person I've got around me. He helps with things like going to hospital appointments with me. My sister's moving over in a few weeks so maybe she'll be able to help me. It'll definitely help with the loneliness though, I can go weeks without seeing or speaking to anyone so having him here has helped with that.

I've told him to get help or get out, he wont do either! Last time I told him stop gambling or get out, which worked, until the football season started again.

Social services don't offer help with cooking, cleaning, bathing, washing or dressing. Or that's what I was told last time I was in hospital. So I'll have to find £20 an hour for someone to help me with it if I throw him out. Before he moved in I asked for help and they wouldn't even assess me.

Hope that answers some of your questions! I'm going to try and talk to him when he gets back and tell him he's out at the end of the month. Just hope I don't fall for his puppy dog eyes about him not having anywhere to go.

GeorgeUK

Sorry to hear that Ames.
Feel free to vent any time.

Have you tried contacting one of these organisations to see if they can advise how the other half can deal with different situations and the gambling issues?

He seems to know he has a gambling problem, but just doesn't want to do anything about it. Is it because he knows you're going to be there to pick up the pieces?

I can't really advise on when is a "good" time to talk to a gambler. Straight after gambling is probably not the best time - if he wins, he may not take it too seriously as a problem because now he's winning; but if he loses he'll be angry and may direct that anger at you. If you know he's not had a bet for a few days and doesn't seem too "edgy" about needing to gamble, that may be the best time - not to talk about gambling, but your finances - the gambling will crop up as part of this so it won't be like you are having go at him. It's just something you need to discuss so that you can prepare your budget and make sure you both working from the same page.

If he was wanting to stop - that would be a different story, but for quite a few of us we haven't reached that point with any real determination until something dramatic has happened. Even then i was blind to the mess i was really in and went back to gambling as a crutch after a few months.

Does he have any other interests or hobbies?

Sending (((hugs))) your way. No-one can really help him if he's not willing to help himself. Wish i knew what to advise but hopefully one of the organisations may be able to assist. If not to help him, then hopefully you.

take care.