ex and would be ex-gamblers support thread

Oh_Dear

Yeah thanks madone, still plodding along gambling free. Its a lot easier just getting through day by day. I have been doing myself a proper budget on an excel spreadsheet quite pleased with it really.

I really do take the threat of gambling seriousley and live my recovery one day at a time, but I still think its important to have an idea of how things should pan out.

Heres part of a post I done on Jan 10th last year......"
“Re: New Year, new start.
Well just to let you all know I am probably off to jail again shortly. I can only blame myself for being right back in there, in the throes of our awful addiction. I have crossed a line that I was sure I would never cross again; in fact I’ve crossed a few. In the last 5 days I’ve sold over £3000 worth of non-existent goods on eBay……………………………………………………..I know how much I lived and breathed recovery and believed that everybody has the ability to change, and in fact, deep down inside somewhere I do believe that. But at the minute I’m afraid the only way out of where I am is to gamble my way out. Of course that’s nonsense and I know better in fact within the last hour I’ve won and lost over a thousand pounds. My fingers are horribly brown from chain smoking roll ups and I haven’t had a shower or shave for days.
My conscience is starting to get to me now though, I’m very tempted not go ahead with these two “deals” tomorrow and contact eBay and tell them what I’ve done and head down to the police station. But then the gambling side of me is saying with two grand I only need 2/1 to pay them all back, I’m probably looking at a harsh punishment as it is, it won’t be that much worse. If this were some one else’s post I know what I’d be saying to them.
I have to work in 6 hours, I’m taking a disabled lady out for the day, I can’t take the day off she’s going to college and I have 6 hours to wait for her and I was planning on spending those 6 hours in the internet cafe. I should really try to use them to catch up on some sleep.
I tell you all though I had six very good months of clean time and that’s the longest I’ve ever gone in my life without gambling I was happy and it was great. But at the minute I just don’t think I’ll ever get there again. I really feel as if I’ll be in this sort of predicament all my life. I believe that my family have finally washed their hands of me, which I think is best for them. At the minute all my natural feelings are well and truly buried deep inside under my self made madness. But I honestly wish I had topped myself years ago. This is absolutely no life. It’s the life that I keep coming back to time and time and time again. It’s no good for me or anybody.
I hope this post serves as a lesson to anybody tempted to have another little go. Its ludicrous pathetic and sad, why even bother look where I am.
Thanks for your kind thoughts I might just be around the corner from salvation, but its 2.20 in the morning and somebody’s just sent me a message asking if they can buy one of these things I am so tempted, but I’ve lost over a thousand pounds of other people’s money today and 240 isn’t going to win it back, arggggghhhhhhhh my head is ready to burst.
I'll keep you all updated thanks again.
Geordie.”
I dont ever want to go back ther again.
Cheers. Geordie.

bigloser

Hey everyone, just checking in to let you know that I am still going strong and haven't gambled since early December. I am filling my time with trying to sort out my debts which is going to be a long, slow job, but I can hand-on-heart say that I won't ever try to gamble my way out of financial troubles again.

Wow Oh Dear, what a post. Thanks so much for sharing and you have come such a long way in just a year. I really hope you manage to never gamble again. Do you have a blog or something, because I would like to read your full story if it's written down somewhere? I wish your post had been written on the Gambling Introductory Offers forum of this site a few years ago, it might have saved me from going where I've been....... There may be some people who genuinely make money from that board, but I bet there are a hell of a lot more who end up with addiction problems.

Madone, it's brilliant to hear you are doing so well. Hope Twirly is too. Can't Cope - thanks for continuing to support us all!

twirly09

Hey everyone sorry been busy with exams and uni and stuff! (not gambling obviously...!) Today is 2 months its around this time i always without fail :S slip... and i cant do that this time. SOOOOOOOOOO ive got a pile high of puzzles books, and the reward of some new clothes in april when ive lost 2st and finished all the books!! the new clothes will be my prize, and the puzzles books will using up the time id spend gambling! result!

For now, ive got a load of design cwk to do, so better run

well done everyone
x

cantcope

Great news everyone!!! Isnt life getting easier without the worry of how you are going to pay for your next bet to win all your money back?
I truly believe that once you have accepted you've had your last bet and you cannot win things get much easier.

great to have some goals too so well done Twirly on the weight loss goals with a treat at the end. Good to keep busy with the puzzles too. It's really important that you've noticed when your danger period is and have done something constructive to deter you.

bigloser, great to hear you are doing so well too. Come back and read through the posts now and again just to remind yourself where you could go (if you havent been there and back already).

If it helps i can give you a horror story of mine, not a scary one but a personal one that brings home how much i'd changed.

I am now 36. When i was gambling i was 30-31....so relatively young, slim, single woman. great job, loads of money in the bank where i'd just sold a property for 3 times what i paid for it and now renting a house having just come back from a lovely holiday abroad with my friends.
Fast forward 12 months.... I'm still single, i have a great job that i hate, I am skinny where i cant afford to eat and when i do manage to eat i feel so guilty that i force myself to be sick. I wash my hair if i manage to swipe a free sachet from a magazine left in the works canteen. I chain smoke and am so lazy and dont want to miss anything online that rather than walk up a dozen stairs to the bathroom i find it acceptable to pee in a jug and chuck it in the sink...(this shocks me). I dont sleep. I am so lazy and so controlled by gambling that i barely even look at the screen. My laptop is on the floor as its getting so hot nowadays it burned my lap. I use my big toe to click on the button that makes the wheel spin with my auto bet and watch bingo cards score themselves, i click now and again with my hands to play my hand in poker......I have no money in the bank, I have credit cards, loans, overdrafts.....life is not worth living as i never seem to win it ALL back....I've had big wins of over 40k in a night but it still wasnt enough as i'd lost much more than that.

I dreamt of winning it all back buying a big flashy house, paying for my friends to come away with me and never having to work again as i am now a professional gambler.

in fact i'm a professional loser until one day it snaps and i break down. its on here somewhere. That day when i tell someone .Finally after 14 months of gambling i admit defeat and go to GA having told my parents. Until 6 months later i find myself losing 2k in 12 minutes at work. I tell my boss who is horrified and immediately calls IT to get blocks put on all of the computers. Thankfully I kept my job (i have since moved on). I have money in the bank now, another mortgage, a wonderful (most of the time) husband and real friends. My life is the absolute nuts most of the time. When it isnt i remind myself of where I was. There is plenty more i could say but i'm cooking sirloin steak for me and hubby tonight as its our 6 month anniversary today . SIRLOIN STEAK!!! Oh my god, now that is progress from 20 fags and peeing in a jug! lol

Have a great evening everyone. I dont know if anyone will benefit from that post, but i did because it just made me feel really grateful to everyone that supported me over the last 6 years

Oh_Dear

Hey brilliant post cantcope, brutal honesty too..pee-ing in a jug, I lol not to ridicule, but in a sort of relief at the fact I wasn't the only one to do this.

I never knew things had been so bad for you, you are a real inspiration to many here I'm sure. I take my hat off to you. The first paragraph of your post is brilliant too, I'm going to copy and paste it on to my gambling therapy post. Life most certainley is getting easier without the worry of how I am going to pay for my next bet to win all my money back.

Great that every one is doing well, it can be done, as Cantcopes post above shows us all.

Bigloser; I post quite a lot on www.gamblingtherapy.org my username is geordie 18. Near enough my whole life is on different thredas on that forum. The post I pasted above was from last years journal it can be read here: http://www.gamblingtherapy.org.uk/en-GB/ShowThread.aspx?ID=585892 I hope so anyway. Another of my threads "recovery is a journey" was my first one on there. Its not all pleasant reading but I find it has helped me a lot to accept how low I had sunk. And I dont want ever to return.

I think paying my DMP will help me a great deal, and I am pleased I found this website, I had used it a while before I came across this section but am very pleased that its here.

I've just finished a late shift, been driving around the east end of london all night the traffic has been unbelievable. I'm not looking forward to when the olympics are on, although I believe that I will be getting an olympic lane permit. So quite a stressful shift the sort of stress that in the years gone by, would have been a catalyst for a trip to the casino or bookies.

Life's much better for me without it.

Take care.

Geordie.

cantcope

Thanks Geordie. Now i just reread it i can see my spelling errors. whoops i think i'll edit those.

Hope today is less stressful for you x

Madone13

Geordie and Cantcope a couple of great but as you said brutal posts. Certainly two posts which really put everything in perspective and give me more inspiration towards making sure I never gamble again.

I'm still really busy at work hence the lack of posting but still no gambling and its now been over a month which I'm really pleased with - but no excuse to rest on my laurels!

The no booze in Jan went out of the window on Friday night - but after the week I'd had felt I'd earnt a beer - especially as my manager was buying . Still am planning on not drinking again this month so should still be beneficial.

Stay well everyone and keep up the good work.

cantcope

Keep up the good work Madone. Being busy at work is great asit will keep your mind occupied . Try and make sure you get some balance of work and me time though x

samorgo

Hi everyone and happy new year,

I haven't been on here in some time as I was doing so well and I was hoping that I would come back and tell you how well I am doing and how great life is without gambling... but I fell of the wagon well and truly over Christmas having received a new laptop for Christmas and having found mobile gambling but I am here to say that I will not gamble ever again and 19th January is my new year's day...

I didn't use to think that I would never gamble again (thinking that one day I would be in control) but I now recognise that I do have an addiction and that I have to accept that I can never gamble again if I want to be in control. Whilst a temporary blip of rediscovering gambling has harmed my finances (although nowhere near how bad it was last summer) it has taught me some really important lessons such as I must give up for good and life is better without gambling. Having all those roller coaster emotions return (if only for a few weeks) has reminded me of how terrible my life was back last summer when my gambling was at its worst.

So tonight I have decided that I need to take control again for once and for all and I have put the k9 block on my new computer and deleted the game from my mobile. I am ready to accept that this will be a daily battle but one that definately can be won and I look forward to telling you about it. I probably will be on here most days for the first few weeks to give me strength to fight on and to remind myself how well I can do...

Although it's disappointing to have to change my last bet date I really believe this will be for the last time...

Good luck all on your paths to a gambling free life - it can be done and it is worth it
Thanks for your time x

samorgo

OMG can't cope - I have just read your post on the previous page and the story of not being able to have your laptop on your lap is one I recognise and it's reminded me how terrible my life was last year and has spurred me to give it up for once and for all.

I don't think I ever really believed that I would give up gambling forever but I now realise it has to be if I want to live life...

Thanks once again for all your support on here and thanks to everyone else who is brave enough to share their stories - it's been 12 hours since I last bet and I'll soon have made it to 24 hours if I go to bed soon - one small challenge I have decided to take on today is go to bed early so I won't be tempted to gamble (in my heyday I would have sat up most of the night - as most of you recall doing too). Sleeping is so much better for my health than the stress of gambling - so sweet dreams all x