Husband called me a thief because of my debts

OliveOyl_2

Just remember what your daughter is absorbing.

Do you want her to grow up thinking that is a reasonable and grownup way to treat a woman?
She's worth more? then bluddy hell, so are you.

But you could suggest that to her Dad. Would he like a future partner of hers to treat her as if she's rubbish? He's teaching her that not only is it OK, her favourate man in her life does it.

star-X_2

Its obviously time for a sit down chat, just the two of you, you need to tell him that you need to talk properly. You know how you feel, and you know if youwant to save your marriage, you have done nothing wrong, but its now time for the words to be spoken, and for him to listen. This isnt an unusaual situation, and you are in only a little amount of debt compared to a lot of others, debt which wasnt got through recklessness. He is meant to be your husband!!! Its going to be really hard but you need to tell him you love him, you dont want to split up, you know hes dissapointed with you as you didnt share it, but you didnt because you didnt want him to react like this. It wasnt lying, it just wasnt telling him as you were scared, you love him blah blah, and then see what his reaction is. You have to think that it is probably a shock to him finding out, but a shock does not allow him to keep talking to you this way, the bit that gets me is when he said he didnt want to say anything as he couldnt take things back. Be strong my hun, you are not worth being treated and talked to like dirt, by your husband or not, for something you were just trying to protect him from. I am thinking of you, just remember that no one has a right to talk to you like !!!!!, no matter who they are. Love and light xxx

donny-gal

I cannot really comment on this as never been in this type of situation, but just thinking, what if you went to the CAB and found out what you would be entitled to from him if you parted. It may bring him down with a bump if your leaving would mean he had to sell the house, or get out so you and DD had a home, would he have to give you more than you do now, especially in if you could not work as you had to be there for DD. I know it is not ideal, but it may make him think that it is worth keeping your marriage together and being reasonable to you.

Rage_in_Eden

Hi Northern Filly - couldn't just read and not comment. Appalled is the only word I can come up with. I take it he knows about the business failing? Does he also realise that the debt has increased because of creating a nice home environment for your child and his 3? Does he know the holiday jar is where the loose change goes? If not, I'd make damn sure he did. Is there any changc he could be worried about money? Any chance of him being made redundant at work etc? Could cause him to be uber sensitive re money. These are all just random thoughts I'm chucking out here before I go to bed. Do you keep household accounts? If so, make him read through them - he may have a wobbler but it's the only way he'll see where every penny goes. Apart from that I could come 'round and "lamp him one" (as the northern phrase goes!)

bloomers5

northern filly - my heart goes out to you. And I think all the respondees have wonderful advice.

You are not an island, he is the breadwinner but he is not an island,,,you are in a marriage ....pull together.
But he can't forgive ...i really think you should go away for a week - wot about youth hostelling...very cheap and let him fester..

very very good luck

Be your own best friend.. don't take any !!!!

smashedbooboo

Northernfilly, there is so much in your posts i can relate to. But please dont put yourself down hun.
1, no matter what he says you are NOT stupid
2, You are NOT a thief,
3, He is NOT superior to you, in any way shape or form.

4, You are a loving wife
5,You are a fantastic mum,
6, YOU have feelings,
7, You are a unique individual,

As BB says which is great advice, when he speaks to you in a manner you feel uncomfortable. Eye contact, and say i dont like the way you say things to me, but if you would like to sit down with and talk things over calmly then please do so. If he kicks off again just say i am going out of the room for a little while. But will be wherever when you are ready to talk in a reasonable manner.

The sort of arguments and the way he is arguing is not constructive. Is he still in the house now. Do you feel safe. Would it be a good idea to send the little one to a relative for a few days until things have calmed down.

Do what is right for you and the little one. Look after number one.

Thinking of you hun, big hugs and you know where we all are,

Boo x x x x

Buffythedebtslayer

Wow I wish I could do that.

really good advice tho.

hope you are doing ok and get a good nights sleep. remember we all care. xxxxxxx

bloomers5

Hi northern filly

How you doing today....

northernfilly

Good evening all,

Thank you so much to everyone who talked to me last night, you are all brilliant :A :A :A .

After a rubbish nights sleep, tossed and turned, I got up this morning and thought, right then, that sod is not going to carry on bullying and treating me like something on his shoe.

When he came in for breakfast he says "oh still not talking to me then", and I am sorry but I launched myself into attack mode, now I know I was supposed to be calm, I'd even practised that in the mirror, :rolleyes: , but I really don't know what came over me. I was prepared at that point to say "OK, marriage over, can't be bothered anymore", I was sure I was not going to back down, someone posted that our daughter doesn't deserve this, no, she certainly doesn't, and I'd be damned if her future husband remotely treated her in the same way - bless she's only 12.

So after a right barney, I left for work and left him to stew in it all day, I was far too busy at work to even think about him. I came home to find him all happy and laughy etc. We spoke for about 1/2 an hour and he did nothing but compliment me, say how much he loved me etc, I was still being narky and sarcastic even at this point, but I really think he's now turned a corner - well he'd better - i think the wakeup call did him the world of good, he's even said he'll reconsider moving !!!!!!, and is willing to start looking !!!!!!.

I feel so much more in control now, especially since I know that I can face him and give him a dressing down like he has with me, there's still a long way to go, and he's going to have to start making some changes, so all I can say is watch this space.

Without you all, I dread to think how I'd be feeling today, I even stood up for myself at work - I SHALL NOT BE A VICTIM ANY LONGER.

Thank you all once again, you are all SUPERSTARS :beer: :beer:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(for each and every one of you)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

:beer: :j Now That is really brilliant news!!:beer: :j

Wonderful!!!!

xxxxxxxxxx