Husband called me a thief because of my debts

bank_of_slate

Hi nf,
It seems to me that he hasn't forgiven you and has kept it bottled up and building resentment for all this time and a bit of it came out in the heat of the argument.

Have you asked if he still wants to stay together?
...Linda xx

northernfilly

bank_of_slate wrote: »

Hi nf,
It seems to me that he hasn't forgiven you and has kept it bottled up and building resentment for all this time and a bit of it came out in the heat of the argument.

Have you asked if he still wants to stay together?
...Linda xx

I do sometimes say "well, what' the point in us being together if that's how you feel" and he just tuts and walks off.

northernfilly

Forgot to add, Ive asked him loads of times "at some point you have to stop beating me with the same debt stick" at which he just shrugs his shoulders or comes out with his intellectual waffle.

OliveOyl_2

Firstly, do not believe him if he calls you stupid.
You're not stupid - you ROCK

Think about an occasion when he criticised you, or hurt you.
Do you react? - then don't. Tell yourself it's water off a ducks back, it's only words.
Inside, feel proud of yourself for being too nice to answer him back. In my experience, they'll up the level of verbal abuse, and if it doesn't work, they give up.
My first husband could goad me to tears with his relentlousness and did on countless occasions. My psychiatric counsellor* cured me with "why do you let him?" (among other things) In the end, he killed any love I had for him and I hope you don't get to that point. Mine was so controlling that it was the cruelest thing I could do to him when I started divorce proceedings.

*that's what I was driven to

northernfilly

OliveOyl wrote: »

Firstly, do not believe him if he calls you stupid.
You're not stupid - you ROCK

Think about an occasion when he criticised you, or hurt you.
Do you react? - then don't. Tell yourself it's water off a ducks back, it's only words.
Inside, feel proud of yourself for being too nice to answer him back. In my experience, they'll up the level of verbal abuse, and if it doesn't work, they give up.
My first husband could goad me to tears with his relentlousness and did on countless occasions. My psychiatric counsellor* cured me with "why do you let him?" (among other things) In the end, he killed any love I had for him and I hope you don't get to that point. Mine was so controlling that it was the cruelest thing I could do to him when I started divorce proceedings.

*that's what I was driven to

Oh Olive, that's very sad, I have to add, he is slowly crucifying my love for him, he's a long way off yet, but if he continues, there'll be nothing left. I sat on the bed this afternoon and thought to myself "that's it, I've given up, there's nothing left, my feelings and love have been flattened" but I was just feeling sorry for myself, but I do feel absolutely squashed to death.

NUFCnutter

It is so hard to give advice to you (as I went through some horrendous times with my ex husband who was physically, emotionally and psycologically abusive). Your husband is doing that last one. Psychologically he is beating you with the "debt stick". Are you meant to apologise forever for making mistakes? Is he really so perfect that he has never made a mistake in his life? I would never suggest leaving your husband, as I do not know exactly what is happening with you and him, but you need to sit down and work out why you stay and put up with it. Ask him to sit down and talk, with communication coming from both of you, and if that does not work, with a mediator from relate (who are brilliant). He obviously feels superior to you, but he has no right to make you feel inferior. If this situation continues you will find all the love and respect you feel for him will go. Hope this helps.

northernfilly

NUF!!!!ter wrote: »

It is so hard to give advice to you (as I went through some horrendous times with my ex husband who was physically, emotionally and psycologically abusive). Your husband is doing that last one. Psychologically he is beating you with the "debt stick". Are you meant to apologise forever for making mistakes? Is he really so perfect that he has never made a mistake in his life? I would never suggest leaving your husband, as I do not know exactly what is happening with you and him, but you need to sit down and work out why you stay and put up with it. Ask him to sit down and talk, with communication coming from both of you, and if that does not work, with a mediator from relate (who are brilliant). He obviously feels superior to you, but he has no right to make you feel inferior. If this situation continues you will find all the love and respect you feel for him will go. Hope this helps.

Hello and thank you. yes, I think you are right there, he does feel superior to me. I don't know for how long the beating with the debt stick will continue for, if it's for the rest of my life then he will have a very lonely old age life because I for one am not sticking around for that long - no matter how much I may love him, I feel so sad and can't stop the tears from tumbling.

beanielou

So sorry that things are so tough for you at the mo.

pink_fairy_5

what a horrible situation to be in, although alll of it sounds bad the bit that got me most was about the small change - your his wife for goodness sake and if you want to move or even spend it then he has no right to act like your stealing it (even though i understand you arent spending it.) if my husband leaves change lying around he knows it wont stay there long it gets swept into a savings jar! i think hes treating you very badly, not any great suggestions on what to do from me im afraid but whatever happens dont let him go on treating you like this, for your daughters sake as much as yours. Good Luck xxxxx

northernfilly

pink_fairy wrote: »

what a horrible situation to be in, although alll of it sounds bad the bit that got me most was about the small change - your his wife for goodness sake and if you want to move or even spend it then he has no right to act like your stealing it (even though i understand you arent spending it.) if my husband leaves change lying around he knows it wont stay there long it gets swept into a savings jar! i think hes treating you very badly, not any great suggestions on what to do from me im afraid but whatever happens dont let him go on treating you like this, for your daughters sake as much as yours. Good Luck xxxxx

Thank you, I do sweep the loose change in the house into a jar into the kitchen. Once a year, I empty it, and then use it towards holiday spends for everyone in the family. It can be as much as £150 so it's a nice chunk - but I certainly don't spend it on myself - I would rather starve than see any family member go without.