How do I make a new start? Is it possible?

paddy's_mum

Given that today I can't do very much as I have another episode of the "grumbly guts" that put me in hospital last year for five painful days, I have spent the time going back through all your previous posts. The one overwhelming thing that comes into my mind is that neither you nor your husband are actually dealing with things, reaching decisions, agreeing solutions, finding other ways forward. You are insisting on "this", he is refusing and insisting on "that" and the end result is that you are constantly locking horns on the most fundamental questions.

Let me explain what it is that has made me feel that way. Some months ago, you said that he was going to move out and into a rented room in Northamptonshire. That didn't happen. Ask yourself why not. Would it have been better if he had? Might you have bought yourselves some peace and some time to try to look at things in the cold light of day, as opposed to the fighting and you crying, but nothing much changing?

You seem constantly to quarrel over money. What are the problems and is his demand that you hand over your credit cards reasonable ie are you spending money on things that you really do not need while he feels that he is struggling to keep up with the bills? I notice that you wanted a baby changing mat. Okay, that's such a small thing to want and only a few pounds to buy brand new but in the far off days when, each in our turn, both I and my mother had small babies and no money to spare, we changed the babies on a folded up old sheet or towel. It doesn't seem to me that my sisters nor my daughters suffered any by not having a changing mat. Nobody can look at your thoughts, feelings or choices except you and I suppose I am asking you to consider if you have yourself been a little demanding of 'things' and spent money unwisely. I may be a million miles wide of the mark but it seems to me that you need to do some soul searching now before making choices that will impact hard on the lives of all of you.

Your daughter is suffering from the rows and the fighting and, frankly, the hatred going on in the home. That is not going to get better while you and your husband leave things just as they are. Don't you think it really is time that you, singly or together, took steps to put an end to that horrid situation? What is the point in him insisting that you do so-and-so and you resist, however sound your reasoning or however unreasonable his demands?

The mortgage redemption thing should not, in my view, be sufficient reason to go on and on making each other and your children so unhappy. It is only money, for heaven's sake. What price a stable and peaceful homelife with children who may not be able to afford to eat prime steak for the next ten years but who will be well nourished both physically and, perhaps more importantly, emotionally.

You do not need your husband's consent to begin divorce proceedings, nor does he need your consent. Given that he has already (it appears) acted without consulting you on other important things, how can you predict whether one day legal papers will arrive on the door mat or you come home to find the locks changed and all your things out on the lawn? The laws of this country will determine who does what, how and when. Those laws will not allow you to be abandoned and penniless, with no roof over the head of yourself and your children. It seems to me that you and your husband have little to lose by seeking a divorce since I would find it hard to believe if he were to say that he is living a happy life, and you certainly are not.

I would suggest that you see a solicitor as soon as you can, if only to find out for sure what the consequences of running abroad with the children would be but also to find out whether your husband could do the same to you and run off with the children to South Africa. The very fact that you should be thinking of such drastic action indicates to me that your marriage has reached the end of the road and that the only way forward now is to end it with the least hate and the most co-operation it is possible to achieve.

Please don't think that I am getting at you in any way. I truly am not but what I can see from your posts is a great deal of unhappiness and damage, none of which can ever be repaired. It's all very well to say that you have to work at marriage but there comes a time when quitting is the only sensible answer. The way that it appears your marriage is operating is that nobody wins. Why continue to bang your heads against a brick wall? Again, I wish you peaceful days and a happier future.

briggybum_2

I've been in a similar situation to you Barbie. I stayed in a relationship for 11 years while knowing after the first 6 months I shouldn't have stayed. After several visits to solicitors (which I was too scared to let him take any action) my best friend decided enough was enough and basically dragged me to our home sent me upstairs to pack while she proceeded to tell him that I was leaving him. I had loads of hassle after I left, zero confidence, he'd drive past my flat all day etc. However almost 10 years later I'm doing pretty well, we get on okish, he comes out to see my youngest (different relationship) almost every day (which is 90% more than his "biological father" sees him) and calls him dad!

Basically (after blethering on) find a friend you can trust. Don't consider moving out of the country until you've thoroughly researched it. Think about moving somewhere where your husband can have easy access without it being deemed unreasonably far. Maybe consider college, you'll get it free if you're claiming benefits plus most colleges have creche's or early learning centres. On the benefits side of things if you're a single parent you can earn maximum of £20 a week with out it affecting IS (not sure about housing/council tax benefit) and you can recieve payment in kind also.

Finally good luck, hope everything you do turns golden

FROSTYFRECKLE

Hi Barbie,

You are in a very dark place just now and would like to give you some advice regarding Eire. Before my hubby became really ill we moved to Galway to live and work, to be honest to escape a lot of emotional pain. Ireland is a lovely country and we made some brillant friends, but there are some problems with Eire. Housing is a complete nightmare - expensive and very hard to find. We have no children so initially the house we rented was a midden but once I had used a few hundred gallons of bleach it was liveable (just). With children you are going to find it really hard to find suitable accommodation. As regards education in Eire you need to buy all of the school books etc for your children. There are far more expenses incurred in Eire for just day-to-day issues, that in the UK we get free. Forget about just visiting your GP - get your health insurance in place first!!! We were unable to get health insurance for my hubby - he was uninsurable, so we had no GP.
Please seek legal advice and if you want a new start there are some lovely places in the UK. Good luck.

Js_Other_Half

If you're really sure you want to move to Ireland, why not go to Northern Ireland. All the benefits are the same, no worries about NHS, etc.

Alternatively, Scotland is lovely - we went on holiday to Aberdeenshire last year.

However, all of this is pie in the sky until you deal with the concrete realities of moving, divorce, etc - Get some legal advice asap.

Barbiegirl_2

Well I must be 1 in a MILLION.

Thanks to the person who put a few facts together. Not only did you reveal my identity but you went one step futher and bought this thread to the attention of my husband! Well Congratulations you should quit your day job and work for MI5 instead.

I know who you are and I feel that it was completely unecessary to do that. It doesn't matter that I wrote a few thoughts down here it just wasn't your business to make things worse!

Warning:

Other MSE's I would advise that when posting a problem or request for advice that it may be an idea to change your facts slightly so as to avoid being found out like I was. I never thought this would happen to me but it has and it's definitely not easy dealing with it.

belfastgirl23

Hi Barbiegirl

Just wanted to say first of all I know this must be a tough time for you and hoping things are okay. This is a really unpleasant thing to have happened.

But just also to say that I think the poster who you are referring to really did mean to help you. And you had referred in your first post to your other posts which would probably mean people will think you want them to look at the posts. You are right, we should all be cautious how much info we are posting that is personal to ourselves and maybe you hadn't even realised yourself how much you had posted. But I don't think it's right to put the blame with someone who had taken a lot of time to try to help you.

And I guess part of me thinks maybe this is a good thing in some ways, it might be what finally helps you and your husband bring things to a head and figure out where to go from here. We will all still be here if you feel you want to come back and post again....

ailuro2

Something has happened that you don't like, so you've blamed someone else...

Paddy's Mum took the time to look at your posts and give you a long and considered answer to where she saw the problem might lie.

p.s. Your post is over 2 months old, why would he suddenly find an old post and relate it to you? Are we not meant to think it's strange he's reading all the way back to page 36 of the forum, and then putting the facts together....

ailuro2

quote=Barbiegirl;13013999
Hello,

Without writing an entire book of problems on here this is my current situation:

Married, have two beautiful children one baby boy and a girl nearly 5.
Joint mortgage
I am on maternity leave have 3 months left for getting paid then I will have no money. No job to go back to as I was made redundant last month
Husband works fulltime
I have been hurt by him in many, many ways that most will probably know this from previous posts
I am scared to death for what our non existent family life and days on end of arguing and me being in tears is doing to my children

I want to and and don't know how I go about starting a new life away from here?

I have never been to Ireland however have always wanted to go. A have a distant friend who speaks positively about Ireland. I don't know a lot about benefits but realise that I will have to go to work as much as it breaks my heart to put my baby in childcare. For the time being what is the benefit system like if any in Ireland? I have heard that southern Ireland would be the best place? Again anyone who lives or works in Ireland could perhaps help in this area?

I'm sure the above sounds mental and probably like I am running away but although my mother lives in Wales I cannot rely on her for any support. She has two beautiful grandchildren that she doesn't bother to see. Birthdays go unoticed with not even a phonecall wishing happy birthday. This hurts me immensely that my own mother doesn't care about my children which is why I need to try and do this alone without telling her or my husband. As crazy as this sounds what are the consequences likely to be for taking the children out of England?

I have been weighing up the options and although my little girl has excelled in her first year at school and made lovely friends our home life is far from perfect. Through the eyes of a 5 year old what is going on here is by no means healthy.

Please if you can offer some useful advice please do. I have posted other problems before where certain readers have been very rude and unhelpful. Again if you cannot help me or post anything positive please don't bother. It's one thing have the world on your shoulders and for someone to come along and post unhelpful remarks.

Thanks again everyone.[/quote]

The text in blue is information that YOU gave out, I suggest if you want advice on how best to take your children and move to another country without your husband's knowledge it might be better to do it somewhere less public than a forum with about 3 million members. Your husband IS the hildren's father, and he does have the right to access to them. I suggest you sit down as adults and try to work something out without arguing, sulking or blaming your problems on someone else.

It is a difficult situation to not have any family support, been there, still doing that, but my DH and I work as a team and we manage fine by ourselves....

Good Luck!

paddy's_mum

Good Lord - I do hope that the person referred to in your post number 16 isn't me since I did nothing more than go back over your posts to try to get a more balanced, overall picture of things and give you what you originally asked for - "offer some useful advice".

What does your phrase "brought this thread to the attention of my husband" mean? If it is me that you are referring to, by all means say so on the open forum and give me the chance to defend myself.

If I have got the wrong end of the stick, then just ignore me and forget I spoke.

kirstle99

Forgive me for sounding out of turn here but the whole point of sharing a problem (in my eyes) is considering all angles of it, including negative angles. That is what the replies to this post have done in my opinion.
You cannot post a problem like this and not expect truthful replies, and also restrict people to posting 'only positive comments'.
I understand some people may have upset you in the past on this forum, and if you were so upset by this then why come back & make yourself more vulnerable by opening your problem to them again?

I must agree with the other posters, I think that moving that far away is not necessarily the right answer and I am a firm believer in sitting down & talking things through, all-be-it the very most hardest thing to do when you have a serious problem to work through.

I wish you the best of luck in your choices and I hope you make the right decisions for you and your children.