How do I make a new start? Is it possible?

Barbiegirl_2

Hello,

Without writing an entire book of problems on here this is my current situation:

Married, have two beautiful children one baby boy and a girl nearly 5.
Joint mortgage
I am on maternity leave have 3 months left for getting paid then I will have no money. No job to go back to as I was made redundant last month
Husband works fulltime
I have been hurt by him in many, many ways that most will probably know this from previous posts
I am scared to death for what our non existent family life and days on end of arguing and me being in tears is doing to my children

I want to and and don't know how I go about starting a new life away from here?

I have never been to Ireland however have always wanted to go. A have a distant friend who speaks positively about Ireland. I don't know a lot about benefits but realise that I will have to go to work as much as it breaks my heart to put my baby in childcare. For the time being what is the benefit system like if any in Ireland? I have heard that southern Ireland would be the best place? Again anyone who lives or works in Ireland could perhaps help in this area?

I'm sure the above sounds mental and probably like I am running away but although my mother lives in Wales I cannot rely on her for any support. She has two beautiful grandchildren that she doesn't bother to see. Birthdays go unoticed with not even a phonecall wishing happy birthday. This hurts me immensely that my own mother doesn't care about my children which is why I need to try and do this alone without telling her or my husband. As crazy as this sounds what are the consequences likely to be for taking the children out of England?

I have been weighing up the options and although my little girl has excelled in her first year at school and made lovely friends our home life is far from perfect. Through the eyes of a 5 year old what is going on here is by no means healthy.

Please if you can offer some useful advice please do. I have posted other problems before where certain readers have been very rude and unhelpful. Again if you cannot help me or post anything positive please don't bother. It's one thing have the world on your shoulders and for someone to come along and post unhelpful remarks.

Thanks again everyone.

Penry

Hi Barbiegirl,

Your situation sounds very complex and i don't know your history from previous posts. I just wanted to reply and send you best wishes. I'm unsure why you want to move so far away? If your husband has hurt you in physically or is threatening or abusive in other ways I would urge you to seek advice from Women's Aid or the Police.

I am sure there will be others here soon who know your history better so can give more apporpriate advice. Good luck.

Rachie_B

i dont recall reading other posts
but it must be pretty serious for you ot be thinking of totally relocating

do you think he would follow you ?
he would have a right to see the children ? so he would have to know where you are ?

have you / do you have anyone to talk about this with ?

((hugs))

xx

pavlovs_dog

whilst ireland is not a 'foreign' country it could well be a totally different pace and way of life to what you expect. given that leaving will be traumatic enough, perhaps it might be an idea to consider relocating within mainland UK first so that you can find your feet in halfway familiar territory.

its hard to offer advice without knowing your circumsances, but groups like womens aid, shelter and the CAB should all be ale to help or point you in the right direction.

good luck

Barbiegirl_2

Thank you. Well, I'm married to a man who doesn't care about me. We have his/her money problems. His latest antic was to cancel our Virgin Media direct debit and the first I knew about this was when I started getting threatening phonecalls and letters from them The account is in my name so I took the money out of my ISA as I was afraid of debt collectors turning up at my door.

I am shattered, had no sleep as the baby woke up 10 times and my 5 year old twice. The baby won't eat solids (5 months) or take a bottle. My husband doesn't help me as he says he is tired? This sort of treatment along with the verbal abuse reinforce's why I need to leave and this time I will not be stupid enough to return.

Oldernotwiser

Barbiegirl wrote: »

Thank you. Well, I'm married to a man who doesn't care about me. We have his/her money problems. His latest antic was to cancel our Virgin Media direct debit and the first I knew about this was when I started getting threatening phonecalls and letters from them The account is in my name so I took the money out of my ISA as I was afraid of debt collectors turning up at my door.

I am shattered, had no sleep as the baby woke up 10 times and my 5 year old twice. The baby won't eat solids (5 months) or take a bottle. My husband doesn't help me as he says he is tired? This sort of treatment along with the verbal abuse reinforce's why I need to leave and this time I will not be stupid enough to return.

I think that you ned to fill people in with some of the background; it's not reasonable to expect people to trawl back though posts, particularly as you've deleted some of them. On the information you've given so far it seems unreasonable to locate to a foreign country (that you've never even visited!) and take your children away from their father. I wouldn't think the courts would allow it unless there was violence involved.

cobbingstones

Hi Barbirgirl

I have relations in Ireland and used to go there as a child. I have always found it to be a very friendly country but expensive! Sometimes in life in a new start is needed, but moving to another country will be very hard going especially if your moving there with two little ones (although Ireland is very child friendly). PLease research, research and more research! Make sure you are happy and confident about this before you leave.

Wishing you luck and strength

MM

hurricanewyn

Hi - I won't give you any advice about your family situation. I'm sure you'll think long and hard before you make any final decisions about what to do, but I can give you some advice about benefits in Ireland.
Unless you have a job lined up before you go, I'm assuming you'll claim Income Support for a while until you're back on your feet. It's called One Parent Family Allowance there and the current rate is €197 for you and €24 per child each week.
Child benefit for two children is around €300 per calendar month.
On top of this, there is an early childcare supplement, paid to the parents of children under 6. This is paid quarterly and is around €275 per quarter, per child. This is paid to the parents of children under the age of 6, the only qualifying criteria is that you receive child benefit.
There is no housing Benefit as such - there is a Rent Allowance, but this is paid through the local Health Board (usually have an office in the Benefit Office). You will qualify for the full allowance if you receive something like One Parent Family Allowance, but once you start working you no longer qualify (it's all or nothing I'm afraid).
If you've received One Parent Family allowance for a qualifying period (15 months I think), you'll qualify for a back to work allowance once you go back full time. This will pay you 75% of your benefit for the first year, 50% for the 2nd year and 25% for the 3rd year.
There are no Tax Credits in Ireland, so there isn't really any help with childcare, but the child benefit and early childcare aupplement aren't means tested.
If you do go back to work part time, and earn less than €150 per week you may still qualify for the full rate of One Parent Family Allowance, but you won't qualify for help with rental payments. But if you're planning on buying a house this wouldn't be a problem for you.
There is also a payment called Family Income Support, which is a top up on your earnings. I'm not sure of the rates, but all information is available from www.welfare.ie
Another thing to bear in mind is that there is no NHS in Southern Ireland. You have to pay to see the GP and pay for prescriptions (the actual cost of the medicene, not a set charge) and you have to pay for a visit to hospital and there is a charge for each overnight stay. The last time I went (when I left about 6 years ago, a visit to a doctor in Dublin was €50). If you qualify for a means tested benefit like One Parent, you'll also qualify for a medical card, giving you free doctor's trips and prescriptions etc.
Also, while you don't have to pay for Education you do have to pay for school books for children and any stationary they use (they have to buy it at the start of the term). The summer holidays are longer (two months in primary school and 3 months in secondary), which is something to bear in mind - childcare for 2 for that time is expensive!
Southern Ireland is very expensive. We left about 6 years ago and we were paying €1000 for a small 2 bed in the Dublin suburbs and the rents have only gone up since and every time I go back I'm shocked by how much things cost, but wages reflect this as do the generous benefits system.
I hope this information helps you, but feel free to ask back if you need any other help.
I'd be back in a heart beat if I could.

mags1962

Hiya

Why ireland ? thats such a big step and might be very stressfull and as you already have enough on your plate !why dont you consider the uk ? maybe get a private furnished rent to start with untill you can reacess the situation once you are away from your husband
Take small steps at a time
If you are unhappy your children will detect this also , take care off yourself and your children

hugs

m x

paddy's_mum

I believe you will be running headlong into a mountain of problems if you do up sticks, grab the children and run off to Ireland.

Quite apart from anything else, I am pretty certain that where there is dispute of any kind, a parent may not take a child out of the jurisdiction of the British courts without the consent of the court. Do you think your husband (and/or his family) will just shrug his shoulders, wave goodbye to his children and not seek some sort of access to them? Is it outside the realms of possibility that a Judge would consider that you had behaved most cruelly in removing the children to a place where contact was impossible and order them returned and surrendered to your husband? Children do get taken into care in hostile situations like this.

Running so far away is not the answer. If you want to separate, then do so in a reasonable manner, one in which the childrens' lives are the least disrupted. Why not rent somewhere locally so that school, playgroup etc remain constant, friends are still around etc? Would your husband leave the family home while you and the children remain there?

I may be mistaken, but I got the strong sense that not enough communication is going on between you and that there is too much retaliation occurring. Perhaps you need to sit down with your hubby and lay all your cards on the table. I am certain that you will achieve a better end result by agreement and discussion (however upsetting at the time) than by one partner careering off at a dangerous tangent.

I also have a question for you - and please don't think me unsympathetic to your unhappiness and troubles. What are you going to do and feel if you come home from the shops one day and find that your husband has abducted the children and disappeared off the face of the earth?

It isn't outside the realms of possibility, is it? After all, that is exactly what you are here proposing to do! Good luck and I hope calmer days lie ahead for all of you.

ih8stress

I don't know your circumstances and all the facts but as you have a young baby, could you also be suffering from post natal depression? Is there anywhere you could go to get independent counselling for you and your husband's problems - would he go with you? If not, some counsellors allow you to go on your own. (Women's Aid, Samaritans etc.can point you in the right direction).

The best advice I can give is for you to try and find someone who you can talk to impartially about all this - bottling it all up never helps.

Good luck, I wish you well