Is OH being unreasonable?

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
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emma12345emma12345 Forumite
159 Posts
edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
OH says he'll slit his throat if he has to take a day off work to look after his children because I'm not well.

On Monday I get a toothache, not the kind I've had on and off over the last few years that I can cope with with painkillers but a scream in agony, worse than childbirth without drugs (had 2 kids so I've been there), clawing at arms and legs to make them bleed, anything to be distracted from the pain. Bruises over legs to distract from the pain. Painkillers won't touch. Pain sending me demented.

Anyway I go to dentist who gives me antibiotics and an appointment for next Monday to do whatever can be done for the tooth when the infection goes.

I have 2 children that need looking after. They can't see me out of my mind with pain, imagine the worst pains of childbirth and you're screaming in agony without drugs (have been there as couldn't get an epidural!). Well this pain is worse and I can get totally out of control with it as said above. It's not there all the time like now its subsided a bit but it comes back without warning.

OH is working the next 3 days. I've asked him to rearrange or take off one of these days as a help (one not 3).

He went into one, shouting abuse, throwing things, little one screaming hysterically in the garden when he was having his fit. He's able to arrange time off when he wants something for himself but NEVER to help me out. He always dictates when he's available to help out with the kids on his terms.

Believe me the last thing I wanted was this toothache, it's pure hell, or the £400 dentists bill coming next week.

In his fit he said he may as well slit his throat, it was such a disaster and I was such a bad person that I expected him to take ONE of the 3 days off to help.

Incidentally I've had to give up my LAST 3 JOBS to look after the children when they're ill as he refuses to take even one day off unless it's booked weeks in advance. Even though I paid the mortgage and provided for the kids at the time and the kids suffered desperately through lack of money.

It wouldn't affect his work one bit if he took the odd (say one a year) day off as he's been in his work over 15 years and rearranges days to suit him all the time. When I've been in long term jobs years ago I had to do it, no choice, and lots of other ppl in his work have to take the odd half or day off to look after their kids.

He walked out when our dd was born in favour of freedom (he was having an affair). Found out that he had responsibility for the children one night a week, couldn't cope and I let him come back for the sake of the children 3 years' later.

But he hasn't changed. His job and himself still come way before the children and I'm just a childminder by the looks of it, if I ask for help I'm a bad person.

I'm a bit shellshocked and crying at the moment as I thought he'd changed. Nothing's changed, I won't be able to work again in September - you can't take time off when the kids are sick when you've just started a job. I'm getting more into debt as I don't get any benefits with him here.

How am I going to cope over the next few days with this toothache and also what am I going to do about this sham of a relationship?

Or am I just feeling low and making more of it than there is?

Thanks if you've read this far.
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Replies

  • BlondeHeadOnBlondeHeadOn Forumite
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    emma12345 wrote: »
    OH says he'll slit his throat if he has to take a day off work to look after his children because I'm not well.

    My immediate reaction to this part of your post was: "Might be best thing all round if he did, at least he'd be out of the way and you'd be able to tackle your debt with insurance money and benefits, and you wouldn't have to suffer having around such a selfish sod of an OH any more !!!!"

    But maybe I am just having a bad day here... :o

    Honestly though, why on earth did you ever take him back? He sounds like a complete nightmare.

    So no, I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. Your OH definitely is !!!

    :eek:
  • pukkamumpukkamum Forumite
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    !!!!!! This man needs a good kick up the a**e, he must really love you and the children if taking one day off would lead him to slitting his throat!!! Hand him a knife and go to bed, i can almost guarantee you won't be coming down to a bloodbath. Tell him if he can't take a day off you will be phoning a nanny agency to get some help and he can foot the bill.
    This clearly though isn't just about him taking the day off, you seem tro have some serious issues that you need to work through.
    I don't get nearly enough credit for not being a violent psychopath.
  • BlondeHeadOnBlondeHeadOn Forumite
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    pukkamum wrote: »
    !!!!!! Hand him a knife and go to bed

    :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

    That was exactly what I thought, but didn't dare say - bless you pukkamum for saying it for me!

    :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
    :T
  • Hello,

    Of course you are not being unreasonable and you must be under incredible stress having to cope with two children and no breaks.
    When you decided on having children did you discuss how the childcare would be divided?
  • you want my honest opinion.

    leave him.

    they are his kids !!!!!!.

    sounds like a complete joke to me - but its not funny is it.

    what is it that makes you think that is all you are worth.

    be strong and tell him to get lost.

    you must have a neighbour or friend that would help out for the dentist appointment. if you have to all go along and then the friend takes them off for a walk whilst you go in at least. good luck with it all.
  • ameliarateameliarate Forumite
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    How come you are financially worse off when he is there? Is he not contributing financially?
    I thought my OH was self centred but hes a dream in comparison to yours by the sound of things.

    I am sure things feel worse because of the pain which is no doubt gettin getting you down and making you feel tired but seriously you really need to take a long hard look at what you are getting out of the relationship and working out whether it is worth it or not.
    We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.
  • pinkshoespinkshoes Forumite
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    I'd question what you're doing with this man!

    Sounds like you and the kids would be much better off without someone like that who appears to be living the life of a single man!
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
  • emma12345emma12345 Forumite
    159 Posts
    Thanks for your replies, you have been very kind.

    Pukkamum - thanks, made me laugh, I know he wouldn't really do it, more a tantrum like a 2 year old.

    He does take some time off work to help look after the children, however he chooses the days weeks in advance to suit him and will never be there at short notice, no matter how ill or the children are.

    I suppose I put up with it because my dd seems to like him around sometimes although he ends up shouting at her if she asks him to do anything.

    Ameliarate, thanks for your reply. He earns a good wage but keeps most of the money (£400 over) so I end up having to spend on the cards for living expenses. And of course every month that gets worse as debts build up. I was hoping to get a job in September that would have sorted this but doesn't look like I'll get any help from him if the kids are ill so prob not realistic now.

    I'm happy to work at home but he's too annoying and won't leave me alone to work. (Who are I talking to? Must be a bloke? etc - it was him that had the affair!).

    I suppose I let him come back as I wanted to be a family again. Rose tinted specs eh.

    He's now sulking convinced he's right.

    Thanks again
  • pinkshoespinkshoes Forumite
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    emma12345 wrote: »
    He earns a good wage but keeps most of the money (£400 over) so I end up having to spend on the cards for living expenses. And of course every month that gets worse as debts build up. I was hoping to get a job in September that would have sorted this but doesn't look like I'll get any help from him if the kids are ill so prob not realistic now.

    Not wanting to sound offensive, but are you a woman or a doormat?!?!

    That's a horrible way for him to treat you. I'm actually quite shocked and appauled! If my OH ever treated me in such a way, I would be out the door!
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
  • lauren_1lauren_1 Forumite
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    I've been Money Tipped!
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    Honestly....i think your an idiot for letting him back.

    Leave him, thats the only answer. If he is so tight fisted he will be glad he can keep every penny...until the CSA catch up with him
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