"Need advice on splitting up after 15 years? please help am going mad."

floss2

Speak to your sister, she will be invaluable to you with bits of info & support.

Has he got any spare cash for a bond/deposit on a new place? Is he likely to be tight with cash?

Also, maybe you can get afterschool clubs partly paid for by tax credits - that would help with child care.

Don't forget that your housekeeping bill will probably go down too

moggylover

needahug1978 wrote: »

Thank you so much for your advice, its great to know you are all here for me. I am phoning the CAB, it does not open till 1pm and is too far for me to drive so will see what they say on the phone and go from there. He says that he has got an appointment to view a place so hopefully he will accept. Have spoken to my sister this morning and she has been a single parent before so I have lots of support from her.Will let you know what the CAB say later if I can get online. Take care and thanks again xx

Great development! CAB will know all the next moves, and will advise. If you are not working - but need to keep the house for a while, then approach Income Support if he refuses to contribute to mortgage and discuss this with them (they can be really helpful these days in these sort of situations) and then with the Building Society - who will probably prefer that you contact them before you get into arrears and will try to help you to make arrangements for dealing with any arrears that might occur due to the delay before they make decent Income Support payments. Personally do not think the waiting periods should apply in these sort of cases - as you have to have the added stress of incurring debts before you even start - but I don't make the laws so cannot apply that common sense.

Was left in a similar hole myself some 9 years ago - but it is always for the best - and does (eventually) come right in the end. Have you had the house for any length of time? i.e. do you have a fair amount of equity in it, cos if you do have to sell - his "signing it all over to you" in temper may well be a godsend as I doubt he could then claim half of that equity at a later date.

Will not tell you that it is easy, cos it is not - but IT IS best - and gets easier surprisingly quickly once you have made the decision. Some Councils run Family Support Groups with field workers who would come in and give you a hand with some of the problem times with smaller kids - like trying to amuse them and cook for them at the same time of an evening. Not sure how widespread this is - but I had a lovely lady for a year or so - and the Company alone was just wonderful!

Routing hard for you - and sending yet more big hugs!

McKneff

Good luck to you. The best thing is to keep busy.
Try to get on with your ex for the childrens sake and never slag him off when they can hear you. (It is so easy to do and we forget that they are there when we are upset) It will pay off in the long run.

Emphasise that none of this is their fault

special hugs for you all

Loretta

needahug1978 wrote: »

Thank you so much for your advice. I went to play darts last night and he was texting me etc telling me its time for me to be honest. So when I got home I wrote him an email telling him exactly how I felt and what I wanted. I told him that if he didnt leave within a few weeks then I will.
I woke up this morning and he has not gone to work. He said he is going to move out and that he feels that its best for his health because I am the one who is causing all the probs!!! bloody cheek. He was quite mad, shouting etc I asked him to calm down as the kids were in the next room. I feel so confused now.He has said that he is signing the house over to me, He wants me to go to see the financial adviser with him today and also the bank.How am I going to be able to afford the mortgage and everything? I have to think about my kids. He said that we can sit down tonight with the kids and "I have to tell them, what I have decided ( me and dad split up)" Hes making everything out to be my fault. I need to go because he is in the other room and I am scared he will read this. Any advice will be gratefully received

XXX

You need some legal advice now, don't spend today doing what he wants, see a solicitor instead. You don't care why he goes as long as he does go, let him blame anyone he wants, just get him out.

He can't sign the house over to you, I presume he means if he goes he is not paying anymore and it is up to you, meaning 'I know you can't afford it, you cannot manage without me' he is on the mortgage and is responsible for paying whether he is living there or not. It is up to the mortgage company whether they agree to you taking over the mortgage and that is some time away yet, they won't let you take it on if you can't afford it, don't worry about that he cannot just dump it on you, this is just a threat.

Don't make it easy for him, don't arrange any meetings or anything financial with him, you are now apart in the real sense of the word and the important word for you now is 'I' not 'we'. As for the bank you better get there first. Is it a joint account? can he take all the money out/ Either you take all the money or just let the bank know what is happening and change the account to 'both to sign' rather than 'either to sign'

Do not agree to anythig until you have had legal advice, if he want to tell the kids anything let him, don't let him talk you into saying you are making him go. I expect they know what is going on and that he has been so horrible, they need to know that whatever happens they are safe with you and you will be there to look after them. I expect they ahve worked out themselves that he has the problem. You could say he is moving out because things have not been right and he needs to be on his own to sort himself out. Do not take responsibility for his nonsense. Remember it is I from now on not we and get some legal advice, steps can be taken quickly to prevent things going out of control which would take months to sort out

Keep posting, you are not on your own

demo

You definately needahug,needahug. Your not alone though so don't feel like no-one understands what you are going through right now, my heart goes out to you.
I am going through a very similiar break-up with my ex partner of 20 yrs and 3 children later. Fortunately I work as a specialist debt/welfare adviser so I can sort out my entitlements, and the debts that have been dumped on me (he became a gambler and tried to hide it from me).. .just as soon as my ex moves out.........
Anyone got any sound advice on how to remove a stubborn ex from our jointly owned home?? He has stopped going to work and not contributing to the household anymore. I am aware that I am losing out on entitlements as I cannot inform Inland Revenue or Council of the change of circumstances until he physically moves out. We jointly own house and he now wants me to put it up for sale ...I told him politely where to go with that one. So needahug any time you wanna chat just give me a buzz, but your not alone. Be sxtrong and focus on being happy again.

kizzykizzywizzy

My Sister's husband ( CHEAT ) won't move out yet either - I certainly wouldn't recommend living seperately in the same house, she's having a nightmare.
But tell WFTC you are now seperated, though at the same address, you will be assesed as a single parent, she recieves more than she used to. You will need to have a seperate bank account to him for this ( ie his wages go into a different account to yours), be in seperate rooms & not do anything for him, such as cooking, washing, ironing etc. ( I think this is correct )
He is also blaming my sister, as although she tried to make it work for 2 years, she couldn't forgive/forget, so now she is being blamed for something he did originally, apparently she nagged so much, he had to drop his trousers & have an affair for 2 years!!
Don't let him make you feel bad for putting your children first - good luck to you & you are really strong & brave to be doing this. I have been with my DH since I was 17- now 37 & luckily most of the time things are great, but being with someone for so long from a young age - it would be scary to move on, so I think you are doing really well.

needahug1978

Hi
Am not really sure if I can post anymore as my partner found these forums and read everything that I have said,He knew I came on mse reguallary etc and found my thread and instantly knew it was me.what ever I type now he is going to read.Its all such a mess but hopefully I can continue to know that there is support and advice for me on here from such great people. I dont know what to do for the best as everytime I try something comes along and blows up in my face. Thanks for all of the advice guys. xx

floss2

I'm sure you will be back Passwords, log-ins etc can be changed when necessary, IYSWIM.

Perhaps he will sit back & think about the way things have changed for your marriage now he has seen how it reads to outsiders.

See you soon :wave:

Floss x

P.S. there are other forums & places for support...your sister is one for a start

LameWolf

Needahug, I am so sorry you're going through all this.

Change your password immediately!

Next, get as much support from your sister as possible; also maybe consider asking your GP for a short course of antidepressants (I seem to remember you mentioned depression in your first post).

I don't really have any more helpful suggestions; other posters here have already said everything I'd have thought of - it is possible to live in the same house, but it is NOT easy. I had this for a while; I had two upstairs rooms, he had the downstairs, and I nipped into the kitchen and bathroom when he wasn't around. But I didn't have children to consider, so it won't be so easy for you, I guess.

I do wish you luck, and please remember to look after YOU. You're no use to your kids if you let this destroy you.

k1mmie

Really feel for you. sending you a big hug!!!!!

Just a thought but a friend of mine went through the same situation and went to the council and told them that he was violent towards her (very abusive and drank) and that she needed to get out urgently and they rehoused her in private rented accommodation. SHe told them that due to the violence she did not want him approached as she feared for her safety. They never even called him (even though they jointly had a mortgage). To this day he lives in the house that is mortgaged and she lives in the private house. She is still entitled to half when they sell it.

All the best.