"Need advice on splitting up after 15 years? please help am going mad."

needahug1978

Hi I am a regular on the boards but felf ashamed to use my real user name, i know I shouldnt but just feel in such a mess. I have been with my partner since I was 15, i am now 30. We have 3 girls 14,9 and 6, we also have a mortgage.
Our relationship has been bad for a good few years and enough is enough I need to get on with my life. (We have tried to make relationship work etc but its not getting anywhere) We are both still living in the house together and nothing is changing. I need to move out but not sure how to go about it. Would the council house me? ( The house needs to be sold etc but we cant live like this untill then,i feel as though I am going to go crazy, i am constantly crying etc) I work full time at the moment but woudlnt be able to carry on after I leave although I do intend to work part time or as many hours as I can around the children.Would I be entitelled to any beneifts? I hnestly think that I/my kids and my partner would be so much more happier. Please if anyone can offer any advice I would be so pleased im getting to the point where I just want to walk out, but dont have anywhere to go.

belfastgirl23

First of all I'd say in the short term is there no other way than to sell the house? Could you and your daughters stay in it even short term (for a year or so)? The reason I ask is that first of all it's not a great time to be selling a house. But secondly your daughters will have a lot of change happening in their lives and staying in the same house, even for a short time, might help them feel a bit more secure. When my own parents split up it was us who moved/went to a new school etc and it was all pretty traumatic. I know you're a regular so don't know whether it's insulting to suggest looking at the DFW board, if so sorry... but there might be enough tips on there to keep you in the same place for a while anyway.

The other thing I'd suggest in terms of benefits etc is to look at www.entitledto.co.uk to help you figure out what you'd get. And CAB can be quite helpful too.

Good luck....

santashelper_2

Have you tried marriage guidance or visiting your GP as you may be suffering with depression because of feeling low for a long time and this can affect the way we make decisions.

If you really feel it is time to move on make sure you have plenty of support in the way of friends who can help you through this difficult period

Take care

needahug1978

Hi
Thanks for your replies.
Belfastgirl- I know you are right about not being a good time to sell the house. I have been thinking about maybe moving myself in my daughters room and sleeping with her. we dont hardly sleep in the same bed anyway, one of us is usually on the sofa. I think what I need to do is try and save as much money as I possibly can. The children know what hes like. He is a big drinker etc and I know that they are all fed up of his drinking and moody ways.
Santashelper - I suggested relate many times to my partner but he wouldnt go. I can not really aford to do it on my own though. i think that this has been going on for so long that I was depressed for awhile but now I am ok just want a good ending for me and my daughters.
I feel as though I need to have a fresh start on life, I hate my job ( 12hr shifts 4 days a week), I hate my house as its not a home its just a house, no garden for kids etc, and my relationship is no existent. Has anyone ever felt so lonley but yet you are in the same room as your partner. No communication not anything. He just sits on pc all night playing stupid games and drinking untill he cant speak properly.
Omg I am rambling so much, im sorry. Just wish someone would pick me up and put me somewhere where me and my kids can be happy.
Thank you for your advice so far.

completelyspent

needahug - I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you are going through. Relationship breakups can be so difficult and I can identify with those feelings of loneliness you've experienced.
Is it too late to save the relationship? Would counselling help?
Changing one thing can help kick change others changes and I hope you find a job you enjoy and the happiness you deserve in your personal life.

needahug1978

Thank you so much completelyspent for your kind words. Unfortunatley things are too bad for counselling, I dont think there is a relationship too save any more. I dont want to keep staying around just for the kids. I am sorry if itt sounds horrible but I need to think of me now. I know that I will be so much more happier/more energy/more time with my children/my children will be happier cos they will see mummy laughing and smiling. I just want to feel loved too be honest and he does not do that to me.

completelyspent

It doesn't sound horrible at all. I hope it works out for you.

oystercatcher

Firstly ..... (((((((((()))))))))))) a big hug for you.

This is a horrible situation to be in , I know because I've been there, although every situation is different so we all need different solutions. It will be awful at first but once sorted you'll probably feel heaps better and be able to get on with the rest of your life.

Is it possible to discuss this with your partner ? Is there perhaps a chance that he would move out if you gave him the "either I go or you go scenario" ? Am just suggesting this because it's a lot cheaper and easier to find rented acommodation for one adult than a family.
When my marriage broke up we managed to first of all live seperately in the same house (horrible but possible) then he moved out and rented and eventually we sold the house and bought I brought a smaller house for me and the children. He eventually bought his own place as well. The solicitors got cross with me for moving before the divorce but I knew the financial situation wouldn't stretch otherwise.
Obviously not everyones finances will stretch to buying another house on their own . It's probably best to get down to your local citizens advice and find out from them if you would be entitled to benefits and/or local authority housing . I think priorities vary from area to area.
My priority at the time was to give the children stability so I moved within my local area so they could stay at the same school and keep existing friends. I think this is quite important to minimise disruption to them although equally you may have different priorities if you need to be near family for support or escape the (soon to be) Ex to avoid hostilities. I think it's particularly important to be honest with the children so they understand what is happening, emphasize that it's not their fault and that both parents still love them . It's so easy for children to feel that somehow they have caused problems and start taking blame and feeling bad. Also try not to alienate them from their father, he may not be perfect but he's still their Dad and they need to have contact with him and be able to love him (unless he's likely to cause them harm) . My kids have come out remarkably well balanced from all our problems and I like to think it's because we really did our best to keep good relations and minismise the trauma for them.

If you can afford it it's worth going to Relate or some sort of counselling on your own if OH won't go, it can help you work out what went wrong and why and make a good plan for the future.

Hope it all works out well for you

hugs

Oystercatcher

needahug1978

Thank you so much oystercatcher. We have discussed it many times and he knows how I feel. and he says he is not going anywhere.Even though I have told him is would be easier for him to find somewhere being a single person than it would be for me with the children. We discuss things, they then turn in to arguments the we dont speak for days and days, he usually goes and gets as drunk as a skunk and I just try and carry on. Is it really possible to live in the same house but live seperate lives? The atmosphere is so unbearable at times that I hate that the kids can sense it too. If anyone has lived in the same house but lived a seperate life please could you give me some pointers? I know that there is no magical cure for this problem but I just wish I can do it without upsetting the children although they already know that things are not right and mum is not happy. My eldest is very aware of whats going on and the way her dad has been. Oh its just such a mess.

moggylover

needahug1978 wrote: »

Thank you so much oystercatcher. We have discussed it many times and he knows how I feel. and he says he is not going anywhere.Even though I have told him is would be easier for him to find somewhere being a single person than it would be for me with the children. We discuss things, they then turn in to arguments the we dont speak for days and days, he usually goes and gets as drunk as a skunk and I just try and carry on. Is it really possible to live in the same house but live seperate lives? The atmosphere is so unbearable at times that I hate that the kids can sense it too. If anyone has lived in the same house but lived a seperate life please could you give me some pointers? I know that there is no magical cure for this problem but I just wish I can do it without upsetting the children although they already know that things are not right and mum is not happy. My eldest is very aware of whats going on and the way her dad has been. Oh its just such a mess.

BIGGGGGGGG Hugs first! Cos you need and deserve them!

Oh God, why are men like this - and there are soooo many of them! Mine at least did not have the choice of staying in the family home as it was mine, in my own name, and since he proved incapabable of staying and providing for us for more than a couple of years I felt no compunction in kicking him out. He is still a major part of our lives - sometimes in a positive fashion but often quite negatively - and I think my kids are actually learning a lot of "what not to do" lessons from their father. They are both (at 10 and 13) quite scornful of his weakness, his inability to earn a living consisitently and his drinking - and my 13 year old has been known to tell him to his face that "mum has more B**** than you - and YOU are your biggest problem" . They tell me that they do love him - but that they think he loves himself first and everyone else comes second! I think they are probably right! I DO NOT buy into lieing to ones kids about what is wrong in a relationship between parents - but I do try not to denigrate him most of the time - and I do praise the things he is good at! They need to learn about why people can be this weak and silly - so that they do not copy the behaviour in adulthood themselves.

Moving on - I think you do need to see the CAB - and I think you need their advice as to how to get him to move out: I feel sure that it must be possible to do this as the children must come first in these situations and need their home far more than their father does. Can you appeal to your in-laws for help in getting him to move out?

Otherwise, as previously stated, I think you must approach the Council, and perhaps one of the Womens Refuge groups could advise on this as well - and maybe offer some other advice about how to get out of the hell you are currently living in.

I think the loneliest place on Earth is in a non-relationship! Worse even than being lonely in a crowded room - cos the person you are with is supposed to be special, and make you feel special!

Big hugs to you - and feel that you are making the best decision in going it alone (in whatever way that ends up) at the moment. Cannot give you the miracle of being lifted out of it all - but would if I could, having been there and knowing just how painful and depressing it all becomes.

Good luck, and keep us all in touch with how it is going (if you want to that is) and let us give you what little support we can from here.

Hugs again,
Debbie

belfastgirl23

What is the situation with the tenancy/mortgage? Whose name is it in?

You could always suggest that if he wants to keep the house then he keeps the kids as well, depending on what kind of reaction you might get??? Just a thought which might not be applicable in your situation.