Worried stupid (again)

SuziQ

wot a life,sounds like my ex (I don't really know what to call him as we're still married,on civil terms but will be divorcing when I can get the fees together.) I always thought my husband was the worst procrastinator in the world,but I now realise there are lots of men (and I expect women!)like him. He has had one of his work vans that he needs impounded for 8 days because he doesn't know where his driving licence is-he has lost several hundreds of pounds worth of work plus impound fees but won't look properly at his current house for the licence-I have searched here but know it is n't here as he took it when he left.
The joke is that he moaned about me 'taking over' when we were together-truth was he forced me into taking control due his own inactivity. I would be inclined to let hm get on with it now. As it is does he even intend turning up at court,or are you going to have to smarten him up and carry him there yourself? I really feel for you-even though I don't live with my ex anymore,his procrastination still vexes me and I still get wound up and frustrated by it!

SuziQ

Just another thought-is the drinking due to depression/escapism? Can't be good for him plus of course renders him incapable of sorting things out.

RAS

Wot a life

Would it have any effect if you told him that if he does not get his act together, you will go BK and he will end up with all the joint debts?

skylight

oh my god....... Have you been rifling through my photo album again???? I was sure I passworded the damn thing.................

shadowdragon

Well my comment is null and void then, he isnt living up to his responsibilities, he could be self medicating depression with achohol, i suffer depression but thankfully I dont drink. I really dont know what to suggest apart from good luck and keep trying.

skylight

My OH is a procrastinator too. He will work his butt off for money though if I need him to, but getting him to do anything personal or around the home is like flogging a duck thats deader than a dead one. It was much, much worse when he was suffering from depression and that in itself was a struggle to get it over with.

If you and he do nothing now, what would happen with the house? Are you wanting to fight it or just go with the flow and let it go? Would you be okay with moving into rented? If so, then it may be better to cancel the court date and leave him be for a while. If the property goes and BR is decided at a later date then any debt will be included in that - a thick skin is needed to bounce the threats from DCA's etc though.

Are you both on the mortgage/debts etc? Are you both going BR? Its a big uphill struggle when someone else hasn't had their "light bulb" moment. Perhaps it may be a really good idea right now to get yourself in a good "stable" financial situation and deal with his at a later date.

wot_a_life

Love the photo!!! lol

My hubby sounds like yours skylight and your ex suziQ.

Yes I would have to practically carry him there i think, even tho he's says it's what he wants and has told everyone of his "mates" that it's happening, he does nothing about it, he just expects me to do it all.

The house is in joint names, if he goes bankrupt as arranged, he will pass 24k over to me but that is better than the 59k combined.

I think I've given up with the house right now, I don't think he is depressed, he was a long time ago and was prescribed medication but he didn't take it, he's also prescribed medication for emphesema but he doesn't take that either, he would if I put it in his hand, but if he doesn't care, then why should I?

I don't think it would bother him if I went BR as if the debt was passed to him, he wouldn't sort it out, I would still have to tend to it, so it wouldn't make any difference to him what so ever!

I really don't know what is going to happen and I can't see a way forward for either of us, it might be a blessing in disguise if they did take th house? I just don't know

SuziQ

really sorry wal-he doesn't deserve you really and is lucky you are sticking by him.Perhaps skylights advice applies then? At some point he needs to 'grow up' and take responsibility! I am the same as you though and just get on with things-I just rang my ex to remind him that he hadn't dealt with a VAT demand that has to be dealt with by 7th July-his business is actually exempt and all he needs to do is tell them that,but has he sorted it? He has not! Now I've ended up agreeing to fax the letter across to his Accountant to deal with tomorrow-he will therefore PAY THE ACCOUNTANT to do it rather than deal with it himself!
One thing though,if you read all the various diaries on here you will see that many people have been in as bad-or even worse situations than you are at the moment,and they are still on here,many of them BR or otherwise sorted but in any case,living productive lives,often without the stress etc. You will get there-this is the hardest bit that you are dealing with right now,and you're coping-so it can only get better, and it will! You seem like a really strong person,I am a Christian and I honestly believe the Lord doesn't send you anything you can't cope with.That oes along with the old saying,that what don't kill you makes you stronger. Hang on in there and keep posting on here for support.

Richard_S

wot_a_life wrote: »

Thanks for the posts guys,

He is always like this, nothing gets done unless I do it, he will and does leave everything to me and I don't just mean the financial side of our marriage, the mortgage, bills, housekeeping, maintenance, you name it, I do it with the help of my kids.

He is in the building trade and has been SE for about 15 years, he goes straight to the pub every night after work and then comes home and drinks some more, this is every night and it hasn't been caused by the financial mess we are caught up in, he's done this for the last 3 or 4 years. This has caused some of the financial problems if anything.

I've mentioned the forms to him twice since his date was booked, I won't nag him, it's up to him now what he does. I told him on the phone yesterday that we had a repossesion letter for a hearing, he said we would discuss it when he got back, he came home at 11pm and fell asleep in the chair with a can of lager in his hand.

I just dispair!

Wot a life,

I don't want to be guilty of assigning gender roles, but from my observations women tend to articulate their problems verbally; they talk with friends and on Forums like this, and it makes them feel better for unburdening themselves, and they invariably receive support and advice that helps them move forward. Men talk far less and tend to seek comfort in the bottom of a glass or a bottle. If your O.H's drinking started 3 or 4 years ago, wouldn't that be the time he was ill, and your financial problems were starting to manifest themselves?

Another observation is that when a couple get into trouble, it's one of the partners that tends to do the majority of the work; whether that's an unspoken agreement or just laziness on the part of the non-participating partner, I don't know. I just know that's the way it works.

You have to be the strong one here. For the sake of yourself, your children and your home you have to completely ignore your O.H's shortcomings and just get on with it. Unless I've misjudged you, which I doubt, you have the strength and determination to push this process to a conclusion, and get your finances back in order.

I'm really not making excuses for him, I'm just trying to demonstrate that there is a way out of this mess, but it's only you that can do it. Keep working at those forms and make sure they're done by the Court date and then you really will have done everything you can.

Do you know any of his drinking partners? Is there any chance that you could talk to one of them discretely and emphasise how important it is for your O.H to turn up at Court on the day, and not just walk away.

Richard

Richard_S

wot_a_life wrote: »

I really don't know what is going to happen and I can't see a way forward for either of us, it might be a blessing in disguise if they did take th house? I just don't know

I have a very good idea what'll happen if you don't get those forms completed Wot a life, and it can be avoided if you take charge and do what I think you know needs doing.

It won't be a blessing in disguise if they take the house. If you don't want to fight for it then let it go, but if you do want to keep it, then you've got to fight for it, and you're the only one with the tenacity to do that.

Richard