When things hit rock bottom the only answer is to fight the way back up...

You absolutely do have to lay down the law whether he likes it or not. I can't believe he's criticizing you when he didn't pay the bills when he was responsible for them!!!! Be prepared for an argument. I know you don't like confrontation but really nothing can be worse than living like this. Good luck with the wee one. Hope everything goes well and she doesn't need a hospital stay. xx

Can I make a suggestion or several, actually?
If your referral appointment hasn't come through go back to your GP and explain that your current domestic situation is making your anxiety worse. As if he can contact them and hurry it on. Are you on any kind of medication?
Make an appointment with the Citizen Advice Bureau and explain all your circumstances. Your health, your daughter's health, your domestic situation and how you're finding it financially impossible to cope (because you are). They give all sorts of advice and can maybe help you sort this out. I really think you need some professional advice. I sure no organization (council, water board, etc would want you to be in this situation). I had to consult CAB once when I was in a situation I couldn't see the way out of and they helped me.
Good luck

You're doing so well but I'm really worried that your OH doesn't appreciate firstly, how serious your family situation is and secondly, how much of it is his responsibility!

It's all very well coming up with budgets and repayment plans, but this is so dependent on your OH actually bringing home that much per week (so both having to work X amount of hours, no holidays or days off AND not buying tools or doing something else so that he's not bringing home his full wages).

If he has access to your bank account, surely he can see for himself that you aren't spending money on gambling?! Or does he just use the access to get money out rather than keep informed of your financial situation?

When you are having discussions with him I think you really need to lay your cards on the table. As a family, you can't afford some of these expenses ; those "double lunches" for OH (packed lunch plus him buying something); spending so much on smoking/vaping (or both in OH case) and your family definitely can't afford another fine or to be late with some of these payments.

It seems like you are doing all the heavy lifting with the budget and sorting out the repayments/ court appearances and I do understand that your OH needs to be working as much as possible so he might not be able to come along to these appointments, but that doesn't mean it's up to you to deal with it ALONE. He really needs to wake up and realise that he has just as much responsibility to pay them off and not make things worse.

I'm also a bit concerned about the "debt" to your mum. Does she understand that you can't keep repaying for expenses she's generated during childcare hours? I know it's lovely of her to look after your kids, but I think it's really unfair for her to decide to buy them something without consulting you and then ask you for the money? Have you been explicit with her and said something like "repaying this debt to you right now means I won't be able to pay our rent, and we could be evicted"? Or even told her not to buy the extras for your kids and that if she does then you won't be paying for them?

I think the idea about helping her with cleaning etc in exchange for some cash is a good one. My mum used to do that with her mum. Actually my family situation growing up was very similar to yours now, my dad was v much like your OH even down to my mum having to go to court for the tv licence (when she thought he'd paid it all). This is why I'm saying budgeting can't work unless your OH is on board with it and isn't continuing to spend as though he has no debts.