Accept the future.....

uncreative · 7 October 2015 at 8:50PM

Not sure if its the right place, so apologies if not. After some very painful issues in the "plumbing" department and a corrective operation just under a couple of years ago, my wife says she simply no longer feels the same about the physical side of our relationship. We have kids and we definitely dont want to split up, we are definitely a family and she is my best friend, but she wants to get 2 single beds when we move house. There is no chance of a physical relationship.

We have become closer in a number of different ways over the last 9 months or so during our debt free journey, working together as a team and having laughs, we have got a housework rota for us and the kids, we are buying a home, for all to see we have pretty much the perfect relationship and family.

Its just that behind closed doors the physical side has gone completely, she wants to read a book and get an uninterrupted sleep, no duvet stolen, no nudging during the night, no contact, she says she is too tired and it doesnt feel the same anymore.

I am finding this hard to comes to terms with - we are still in our mid 30's and whether I like it or not, i do feel the need for this side of our relationship. I now dread going to bed and have started sleeping on the couch in a sleeping bag, watching movies or catchup TV into the night.

Do I just need to accept this and make my peace with it? Am I alone? Sorry - just had to get my feelings out there.

Guest101 · 7 October 2015 at 11:07PM

Have you explained it's important to you?

It sounds like she's been talking, but have you?

Sex is important in every relationship. Whilst understandable that she is less keen now, and sleeping separately is not abnormal. No intimacy will eat away at your relationship.- unless you go the open marriage route, but that has a million pitfalls.

Pixie5740 · 7 October 2015 at 11:15PM

Is it you or your wife that had the operation?

Is there at least some affectionate contact between you like cuddles or hand holding?

separate beds do work for some couples especially if one person snores, steals the duvet, lashes out whilst sleeping but separate beds doesn't necessarily mean an end to the physical side of the relationship. Perhaps your wife is genuinely tired and once she starts getting a good nights sleep will feel a bit more energetic.

You're not alone though. I would find it difficult to be in a relationship where there was no physical side to the relationship whatsoever. You're in your 30s and you could easily live for another 40+ years. That's a long time with no intimacy.

You need to talk with your wife, tell her how you feel. There might be an explanation behind her lack of sex drive. She could genuinely feel exhausted or it could have something to do with the way she feels after the operation but communication is key.

marleyboy · 7 October 2015 at 11:16PM

Whilst I could sympathise with the non physical aspect, the separate bed scenario seems a little overkill.

Surely snuggling up together in bed is not an issue, I would be more concerned if it came to excuses of duvet pinching or nudging for not wanting to at least sleep in the same bed together.

boliston · 7 October 2015 at 11:37PM

Separate beds (and ideally separate rooms) is a good rather than a bad thing! I would hate being woken up in the night by OH going to loo etc and would not want cats all over my bed (which OH loves). I also like to spread out and only have a 5 foot bed rather than a king size. Sharing beds in a hotel is OK as beds are normally huge compared with domestic beds, and there are no cats in hotels.

Anatidaephobia · 8 October 2015 at 1:40AM

No sex is one thing (and fair enough if it's painful and/or for medical reasons) but no intimacy at all is a whole separate thing and that's where I would have a problem with this.

Torry_Quine · 8 October 2015 at 2:20AM

Anatidaephobia wrote: »

No sex is one thing (and fair enough if it's painful and/or for medical reasons) but no intimacy at all is a whole separate thing and that's where I would have a problem with this.

My thoughts precisely. Cuddling up in bed at night is special to me and can be every bit as intimate.

FBaby · 8 October 2015 at 8:33AM

Clearly you are not happy about it (and understandably so). Do you think you could get to the point when you can actually be happy living in this circumstances?

There are two issues here. Wanting separate beds for better sleeping arrangements is fine as long as physical contact takes place at other time than nighttime. Using this as an excuse to give up all physical contact because they attraction is not there any longer is another matter. I personally believe that the moment you give up physical contact, you become just that: friends. Would that be enough?

What your wife is asking you to do is to give up something that is very important to you. Are you prepared to make that sacrifices no matter what? For instance, how would you feel if when you are in your 40s, 10 years of giving up physical closeness, she tells you that she has met someone she is massively attracted to and wants to leave you for him?

Horizon81 · 8 October 2015 at 8:56AM

I'm sure many men feel your pain and I can imagine your situation is only exacerbated by the medical hurdles you've had to overcome. It's often bad enough with just the passing of time, let alone with medical issues.

It's probably a case of playing the slow game and making small steps to get the closeness back. Surprise her. Take her on dates. Write her little notes she'll find when you're not there. Cook for her. Tell her she's pretty. Go shopping and treat her. Give her a massage. Have a weekend away. Go for a romantic stroll along the beach.

Small steps... all of the above over a period of time might help to ignite that spark you obviously once had.

gabriel1980 · 8 October 2015 at 9:59AM

Definitely call it quits. No sex=no relationship. Would she be happy for your to take a mistress for the physical stuff?

Kynthia · 8 October 2015 at 10:11AM

As a woman who's had a baby and dealt with some complications possibly i would come at this from a different perspective, although my inclination is that it's obviously not something you should just accept as you are not happy about it.

What is the issue? Is it that sex is physically painful and not enjoyable to her? Is it that's she's exhausted and has body issues so just doesn't want sex any more? Is it that she loves you but doesn't fancy you any more and wants to stay together for the children? They are three different scenarios (can't have sex, doesn't feel like having sex, doesn't want sex with you) and I think the advice I'd give would differ based on which one it was. Also is the seperate beds to help her sleep better or to prevent intimacy?

Whatever the reasons honest communication between you is needed. Could you go away overnight somewhere and really talk about things without distractions and be understanding but honest about how you both feel and what you can live with?

Accept the future.....

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free