Considering separation from Disabled partner
Options
Comments
-
Any time I wonder what it could be like to be a carer long-term I remember that mental picture - as the look of him horrified me as he looked so bad that I wondered if he would ever look normal again.
There are millions of people who are carers who don't fit the description of the person you described.
The issue is that there isn't enough support for familes who care for people with illnesses or disabilities. And that people who are paid carers allowance if they claim it aren't paid anywhere near enough.
This man has a full time job, he is not his wifes full time carer and while life can't be easy for him or any of the family, I don't think its right to paint a picture of carers as all being exhausted and hardly able to move.
That's not the way it is for many people who have caring responsibilities. It is for some, but the fact that the OP has a full time job obviously suggests that other people are also taking caring responsibilities on.0 -
the OP said I am finding the physical and emotional demands of helping you meet your daily needs too difficult and it is making me very depressed.
He is only there part time due to his work but finds it a strain. His children will be there full time - will they find the demands too difficult?
His solution is to walk away, his children are not being given a choice.
Is the OP depressed because of the situation or does he find the situation because he is depressed.?0 -
Also what makes people think the husband has been doing the bulk of the caring? They had a live in carer until recently.
You can't see a way if they have live in carers if they separate?
How on earth do you think single people with disabilities cope? Single people with MS?
They do exist you know.
Progressive MS generally always requires care help, and often mobility help..
Young children need care, support and help with things.
Yes, single people do cope with disability,with extended family or outside help, but this lady wouldn’t be strictly single - she would also be the mother of two young children.
Carers have a very difficult time of it, and there are very few (non wealthy) full time Carers that aren’t tired and stressed - much of it with the sheer effort of trying to get benefits, extra help and equipment needed.
Live in Carers can work - but the cost is prohibitive for most. It’s nit a case of one carer - they don’t work 24/7, they get ill, and they have holidays.
Social Services rarely will fund all this - so, unless you’re wealthy, and have the space, it’s untenable.
LinYou can tell a lot about a woman by her hands..........for instance, if they are placed around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.
0 -
A number of people are posting here with little understanding of MS. Firstly, there is a difference between progressive and relapsing-remitting.
The latter mean that you go through episodes where the illness is affecting them to different degrees, but when they go in remission, they can live an almost completely normal life. Most people with MS start suffering from this type of MS. It then develops different for different people, some with have more regular relapses, but recover each time, some might go years without a relapse, but then be significantly affected by a bad one. Some will suffer from this type for many years, or always, whilst some will progress to progressive MS, which is when the illness is constant.
Some people, like a family member of mine will live 20-30 years or longer with the illness, but with the new medicine available, manage to continue to live an independent life. My family member is 70 this year and still able to walk, albeit slowly and only for short distances. He continued to drive 20 years after diagnosis.
However, for the minority of people affected with progressive MS from the inset, the affect of the illness is often a lot more severe. It is not possible to predict from the start how MS will evolve, however, considering 1 in 10 suffers start with LR MS, there is hope that they will be able to live an independent or semi-independent life for a while.
This is what seem to have happen to OP's wife as he mentioned that she was ok for some time after giving birth (quite common for women with MS), unfortunately, it would seem that it then evolve to progressive MS quite quickly and severely.
This would indicate that OP and his wife experienced feelings similar to grief (ie. the end of their lives as they had dreamed it and thought it at their reach) twice. The first time with the diagnosis, but then a hope that they could still achieve some if not most of the life they'd dreamed of, and then again when it they had to accept this wouldn't happen.
Some people cope with accepting life has it's been handed to them better than others. Ambitious people, who are used to be in control of their destiny find it much harder as it goes against their nature. Successful people tend to fall into that category and I am suspecting that this what has driven OP to feel helpless and depressed. He could cope when he felt he was still able to cope up with ways to make it better, but then had to face the reality that things will never be better however much he dedicated himself to finding a way. It must have been especially tough as both OP and his wife were young when confronted with this. Added to the stress of normal life with a demanding job and young children, it is no surprise at all that OP is where he is in his state of mind currently.0 -
There are millions of people who are carers who don't fit the description of the person you described.
The issue is that there isn't enough support for familes who care for people with illnesses or disabilities. And that people who are paid carers allowance if they claim it aren't paid anywhere near enough.
This man has a full time job, he is not his wifes full time carer and while life can't be easy for him or any of the family, I don't think its right to paint a picture of carers as all being exhausted and hardly able to move.
That's not the way it is for many people who have caring responsibilities. It is for some, but the fact that the OP has a full time job obviously suggests that other people are also taking caring responsibilities on.
Doubtless there are some who aren't impacted very much by this. To me - I'm thinking of ones I know - him in the past. Two more recent friends that were carers - and I frequently encountered them during the years they were carers. Another friend is currently a carer (despite her own ill health) and I am watching the impact on her and her husband.
Possibly there are carers that are barely impacted - but I've not actually come across any personally. All the ones I know that are/were carers are/were being severely impacted.0 -
Some people cope with accepting life has it's been handed to them better than others. Ambitious people, who are used to be in control of their destiny find it much harder as it goes against their nature. Successful people tend to fall into that category and I am suspecting that this what has driven OP to feel helpless and depressed. He could cope when he felt he was still able to cope up with ways to make it better, but then had to face the reality that things will never be better however much he dedicated himself to finding a way. It must have been especially tough as both OP and his wife were young when confronted with this. Added to the stress of normal life with a demanding job and young children, it is no surprise at all that OP is where he is in his state of mind currently.
I was certainly nodding in agreement with this paragraph - and would add that it's not just "ambitious" people that would find such situations a lot harder to deal with than many. Those of a more "determined"/perfectionist temperament - ie that have made up their minds what constitutes a normal life and will always be doing whatever they can to achieve that "normal" life - are likely to continue striving for it permanently at some level (even if it's not a "high-powered" life as a CEO of a large organisation or leader of a country - but just an "ordinary little life in the street" that is what they had in mind anyway). They still want/will strive for that "ordinary little life in the street" - rather than "fate" deciding their life for them.0 -
There is a moral duty to care for the children's mental and physical health.0
-
-
A number of people are posting here with little understanding of MS. Firstly, there is a difference between progressive and relapsing-remitting.
The latter mean that you go through episodes where the illness is affecting them to different degrees, but when they go in remission, they can live an almost completely normal life. Most people with MS start suffering from this type of MS. It then develops different for different people, some with have more regular relapses, but recover each time, some might go years without a relapse, but then be significantly affected by a bad one. Some will suffer from this type for many years, or always, whilst some will progress to progressive MS, which is when the illness is constant.
Some people, like a family member of mine will live 20-30 years or longer with the illness, but with the new medicine available, manage to continue to live an independent life. My family member is 70 this year and still able to walk, albeit slowly and only for short distances. He continued to drive 20 years after diagnosis.
However, for the minority of people affected with progressive MS from the inset, the affect of the illness is often a lot more severe. It is not possible to predict from the start how MS will evolve, however, considering 1 in 10 suffers start with LR MS, there is hope that they will be able to live an independent or semi-independent life for a while.
This is what seem to have happen to OP's wife as he mentioned that she was ok for some time after giving birth (quite common for women with MS), unfortunately, it would seem that it then evolve to progressive MS quite quickly and severely.
This would indicate that OP and his wife experienced feelings similar to grief (ie. the end of their lives as they had dreamed it and thought it at their reach) twice. The first time with the diagnosis, but then a hope that they could still achieve some if not most of the life they'd dreamed of, and then again when it they had to accept this wouldn't happen.
Some people cope with accepting life has it's been handed to them better than others. Ambitious people, who are used to be in control of their destiny find it much harder as it goes against their nature. Successful people tend to fall into that category and I am suspecting that this what has driven OP to feel helpless and depressed. He could cope when he felt he was still able to cope up with ways to make it better, but then had to face the reality that things will never be better however much he dedicated himself to finding a way. It must have been especially tough as both OP and his wife were young when confronted with this. Added to the stress of normal life with a demanding job and young children, it is no surprise at all that OP is where he is in his state of mind currently.moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »I was certainly nodding in agreement with this paragraph - and would add that it's not just "ambitious" people that would find such situations a lot harder to deal with than many. Those of a more "determined"/perfectionist temperament - ie that have made up their minds what constitutes a normal life and will always be doing whatever they can to achieve that "normal" life - are likely to continue striving for it permanently at some level (even if it's not a "high-powered" life as a CEO of a large organisation or leader of a country - but just an "ordinary little life in the street" that is what they had in mind anyway). They still want/will strive for that "ordinary little life in the street" - rather than "fate" deciding their life for them.
Caring for somebody you love when they fall ill, whether parent, spouse or child, is pretty much part and parcel of ordinary life.0 -
moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »Personally - I'm reading OP as searching for a logical answer to everything here and he still doesnt seem to have received one - more a case of "put up and shut up".
I shall be really interested if anyone can see a way for him to keep his career and make sure the children are okay to have a childhood and ensure the ex is okay. Because I certainly can't see a way - and I think that is what OP is asking for.
I'm picturing the husband of someone I used to know with MS and I've seen him looking normal - but latterly I've seen him barely able to literally walk across the floor/not able to make eye contact with anyone because he was so exhausted and depressed at everything involved with being a carer and that was with no children involved and his career (it was a career - and not a job) didnt involve travelling. Any time I wonder what it could be like to be a carer long-term I remember that mental picture - as the look of him horrified me as he looked so bad that I wondered if he would ever look normal again.
For a start it isn't his ex, she is his wife and the mother of his two boys that he is about to leave. Money is no problem apparently until he finds that he will require to have three carers to cover 24/7 and that is just care for his wife and not including the care of his children. He has been feeling this way for some years and presumably its because the current carer has put in their notice that he realises more care will be needed and HE doesn't want to do it.
As for talking about normal all the time, do you really think its normal for a father to leave not just his disabled wife but two young boys and think that fixing the internet on the odd occasion will make things okay??Its not that we have more patience as we grow older, its just that we're too tired to care about all the pointless drama0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 343.2K Banking & Borrowing
- 250.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 449.7K Spending & Discounts
- 235.3K Work, Benefits & Business
- 608.1K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 173.1K Life & Family
- 248K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
- 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards