Real-life MMD: Birthday money mistake - should I ask for some cash back?

tgroom57 · 24 July 2013 at 8:13AM

I hope you received a very nice thank you letter off your god-daughter.
I'd take any overspend off future Christmas & birthday presents - the iphone should last a couple of years at least.

And I would get her mum a goat for Christmas - ie an Oxfam goat for a family in the third world.

gloriouslyhappy · 24 July 2013 at 8:53AM

I think you should take her mum aside and say you spent more than you would have normally on her daughter's present because she - the mum - told you it was going on a TEFL course the daughter was desperate to do. Tell her you feel a bit disappointed the money went on an iphone instead, and ask about the daughter's TEFL course plans.

If you don't mention it, it will just fester and sour relationships in future which will be a pity. I definitely wouldn't say anything to the daughter as from the post, it wasn't her who asked for the extra cash, but you could ask her about her future travel / teaching plans.

As for asking for money back, it was your choice to give more even though you felt pressurised, so I'd bite the bullet on this one and say generally that now your god daughter's reached age 18, she's an adult and future gifts will be small tokens only, with an exception for her 21st birthday perhaps.

As others have said, the iphone should last a while so it's a good investment, although not as good as a teaching qualification!

duchy · 24 July 2013 at 9:02AM

Sounds like your gripe is with her Mother if you feel misled.
Unless when you gave this gift you specified it was for one purpose only you gave her a gift to do with as she liked.

What her Mum said she was going to do with it isn't important. The girl is an adult....her mum can't dictate.

Loopyloo5 · 24 July 2013 at 9:05AM

You must speak out, allow yourself to vent your spleen, otherwise it will fester and cause resentment. So have you say and tell them how you feel duped and disappointed.

In terms of the money gift, it was a gift and you should not ask for any of it back. However, to balance out the amount you gave you could, as others have suggested, count is as a combined birthday/xmas gift, or two birthdays.

For future gifts, I suggest you pare back on the amount you spend. She is afterall now an adult, 18 years old, and a god daughter (not blood relative) so I dont think it unreasonable to just send a card (with or without a nominal token gift or donation to charity)

hornster · 24 July 2013 at 9:06AM

i agree with the others that you shouldn't ask for your money back, but should express to the mother your disappointment.

however, i think the most important lesson to take from this, is that regardless of what you're paying out for (be it for you, or for someone else), you should always stick to a budget of what you can afford and don't give in to pressure.

Dimey · 24 July 2013 at 9:09AM

As an aside - does anyone get thank you letters anymore?

It used to be routine when I was a nipper. I even enjoyed doing it.

The only way I know my niece and nephew receive their presents and money (they aren't near me) is when the cheque is cashed.

I'd even appreciate a text!

Dimey · 24 July 2013 at 9:15AM

Loopyloo5 wrote: »

For future gifts, I suggest you pare back on the amount you spend. She is afterall now an adult, 18 years old, and a god daughter (not blood relative) so I dont think it unreasonable to just send a card (with or without a nominal token gift or donation to charity)

Yes I stopped giving to my God daughter at 18 and just send a card. I gave big money (well big for me) at 21, her engagement and her wedding.

She also just sends me a card now too. We're both happy with that.

I'll do the same with my niece and nephew when they hit 18.

ripongrammargirl · 24 July 2013 at 9:33AM

Yet again, another person giving more than they can afford. Thought we were all meant to be money savvy on here? Sounds like a lot of members could do with a few more lessons! Never give in to pressure. Guilt is a wasted emotion. I think it is downright despicable to spend money on something other than what it was meant to be going on. Let this also be a lesson, that if someone says it is going on a certain something write a cheque payable to that shop/ establishment etc. If the recipient then complains then it was obvious it was not meant for that item and was to be frittered away. If I ask for cash (usually to spend on debts) then I ask for it to be paid direct or a cheque made payable to that debt. I also agree with the people who have said stop giving future gifts. We have always had a rule in our family that gifts stop as soon a child reaches 16. This girl was not even a blood relative-unbelievable. I would definitely say something or resentment will build up over time. Make it clear that there will be no further gifts/ loans etc as the girl is now 18 and should be standing on her own 2 feet. Another harsh lesson learned.

qaz · 24 July 2013 at 9:48AM

of coarse u should get it back if u were tricked into giving her extra. this sort of minor dishonestly is especially bad within the family. withhold future payments if they don't like it.

its most likely that next time they'll be milking u for more, they may well be relying on u being an old softy in this respect....toughen up

qaz · 24 July 2013 at 10:00AM

ripongrammargirl wrote: »

Yet again, another person giving more than they can afford. Thought we were all meant to be money savvy on here? Sounds like a lot of members could do with a few more lessons! Never give in to pressure. Guilt is a wasted emotion. I think it is downright despicable to spend money on something other than what it was meant to be going on. Let this also be a lesson, that if someone says it is going on a certain something write a cheque payable to that shop/ establishment etc. If the recipient then complains then it was obvious it was not meant for that item and was to be frittered away. If I ask for cash (usually to spend on debts) then I ask for it to be paid direct or a cheque made payable to that debt. I also agree with the people who have said stop giving future gifts. We have always had a rule in our family that gifts stop as soon a child reaches 16. This girl was not even a blood relative-unbelievable. I would definitely say something or resentment will build up over time. Make it clear that there will be no further gifts/ loans etc as the girl is now 18 and should be standing on her own 2 feet. Another harsh lesson learned.

===============
determined to get a bit more in.
i completely agree with every word of the above. additionally it sounds like the mothers needs a good bollocking for being a partner in the dishonesty. my own kids are happy and balanced, partly because this sort of nonsense was nipped in the bud when it showed its ugly head

Real-life MMD: Birthday money mistake - should I ask for some cash back?

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