Advice please... Very pushy woman at the Church my wife goes to. (Very long post.)
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We can't know whether the woman would have refused to take no for an answer if your wife had been more honest as you've met her and we haven't. However what is clear is that most people here agree that the response was understandable based on your wife's letter. Your wife wasn't that clear and she gave the impression she would like to attend but felt she shouldn't with attending so infrequently and that there was a lot going on in her life right now.
I would probably ring the woman and thank her for her kind offer. Then sat that not to worry and that things are fine but that i had other commitments and wasn't really getting much out of the group, so I'd prefer to just attend church rather than get involved in other things. Then repeat if she comes up with solutions.Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!0 -
She is not being pushy, she is being (or at least attempting to be) friendly and inclusive.
Your wife should just have said, or written, that she wasn't coming any more, and just said thanks but no thanks to any follow up.
If the woman had said nothing, or 'bye then!' she would have been accused of being uncaring.
I HAVE said it myself, recently, in a similar scenario. The person I said it to also suggested alternatives. I just said no thanks, with a smile. He then said it was my decision, but I was always welcome if I changed my mind. I haven't changed it yet, but have seen the person on a few occasions since and we are always pleased to see each other and friendly towards each other.(AKA HRH_MUngo)
Member #10 of £2 savers club
Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton0 -
I am sorry but i have to side with the pushy woman. The issue is not her, its how your wife is dealing with her. THe letter was not clear - i know you think it was but it gave mixed messages just like the conversations you have noted - that you wife is to busy and would come otherwise.
Pushy woman - You could come tuesday?
Your wife - That's not good for me.
Pushy woman - There is a group on friday?
Your wife - Oh thats not great for me either?
Pushy woman - Lets see then, I have the ladies group on sunday morning?
And so on - ramping up the awkwardness and stress
OR
Pushy woman - You could come tuesday?
Your wife - Currently i am only looking to attend church, but thank you for your very kind offer.
Pushy Woman - Are you sure? we could do with help with the kids club on a wednesday if that is better, it would be really appreciated.
Your wife - Thank you for the invite, but i really can only attend church.
Pushy Woman - Thats a shame we really miss your imput - Are you sure i cant interest you in the teenage day school on the saturday morning
Your wife - As its falls outside visiting for my sunday worship, 'afraid not. I am just looking to attend church. THank you anyway. Oh look, there is a *something* over there that i must acquaint myself with.
Clearer, no lies, no prevarication, no confusion over mixed signals - no stress.0 -
Have to say though, that although some people are saying she should have just said 'I don't want to come anymore,' and 'it's not for me, I don't like it, I am not keen on the people etc,' I find it hard to believe that all the people saying my wife should have said all this, would have said this themselves.
Well, after the first couple of goes at the group when I knew it wasnt for me I would have stopped going.
"It's been great finding out what you do here but it's just not for me. Hope to see you at church on Sunday."
It's not mean, hurtful or difficult. There's also no shadow of a lie in there.
I am far more concerned about why you are being the mouthpiece for your wife here and she isn't posting herself. If she wanted opinions surely she would ask for them herself? So I am not sure why you are inserting yourself on her behalf.
Perhaps she just needs more practice being allowed to converse with people directly.2021 GC £1365.71/ £24000 -
That sounds like church gossip in its glory!Upshot is, he was never a believer at all, and didnt give a stuff about Jesus. He just came to the Church to 'fit in' in the village. Then after a while, he realised he didn't need to do that, and so couldn't be bothered anymore.0 -
And as I have said several times, if my wife HAD said this, the woman would have just come up with a solution or an alternative. My wife had to make it clear - somehow - that she was not up for ANYthing.
I should probably add that when my wife first joined, this woman kept asking her to come to the Church 'House group' and to a 'ladies group,' and she was asked if she could volunteer to join in with the kids group on a Tuesday morning, (as she wasn't working at the time.) And also a few other things. She just kept asking...
My wife would say 'no sorry, Tuesdays are hard for me (as this was the first thing that came to her mind,) and the woman would say 'well, house group is on a Monday, so come to that, then when she made some excuse for that, the woman would say ummmmmm, and then say 'well ladies group is on a Friday.' No matter what my wife said, this woman would come up with a solution or a reason why she can do this instead, or that instead.
I can see why you thought in above conversion the women was being pushy but consider this may not be the case, most people would have picked up that your wife was trying to get out of it BUT not all, I am not saying the women is, but autistic people for example don't pick up on subtle social clues/words they NEED to be given a direct answer to question understand, its not their fault. Many people are like this even if they if they are not autistic, it seems your wife has been lucky so far not to have come across people whos mind only works with direct responses, they can't help it.0 -
BrassicWoman wrote: »I am far more concerned about why you are being the mouthpiece for your wife here and she isn't posting herself. If she wanted opinions surely she would ask for them herself? So I am not sure why you are inserting yourself on her behalf.
Thats a bit uncalled for, his wife is probably not a member. I am sure she is reading there is no indication peter has posted without her permission.
If she had of signed up to ask she should have been accused of being a troll with a unusual post for a first question - you really can't win on this board.0 -
iammumtoone wrote: »Thats a bit uncalled for, his wife is probably not a member. I am sure she is reading there is no indication peter has posted without her permission.
If she had of signed up to ask she should have been accused of being a troll with a unusual post for a first question - you really can't win on this board.
Peter is not telling us what his wife thinks of the comments and suggestons. Peter is telling us what Peter thinks.
Peter, what have you shared with your wife and what does she think?2021 GC £1365.71/ £24000 -
My wife would say 'no sorry, Tuesdays are hard for me (as this was the first thing that came to her mind,) and the woman would say 'well, house group is on a Monday, so come to that, then when she made some excuse for that, the woman would say ummmmmm, and then say 'well ladies group is on a Friday.' No matter what my wife said, this woman would come up with a solution or a reason why she can do this instead, or that instead.
Let's turn this scenario around and put it into another context.
I noticed that you had commented on a recent thread by April about whether she should let her husband leave an obviously failing marriage. Let's imagine that April now needs to see a counsellor urgently to help her cope with the maelstrom of emotional torment but has to fit it around her own commitments and those of the counsellor.
Receptionist: Four thirty on Tuesday is free.
Mrs P: Sorry, Tuesdays are hard for me.
Receptionist: Monday at ten forty?
Mrs P: Can't do Monday as my car is booked in for an urgent repair.
Receptionist: Friday afternoons he holds a Ladies Mutual Support circle if you felt that might be of use to you....?
In those circumstances, wouldn't most people feel that far from being pushy, Ms Receptionist was being helpful and trying very hard to find an appointment that satisfied the needs of all parties?
I think the absolute heart of this matter is that Mrs P "made some excuse" instead of just politely saying of such-and-such 'no thanks, it isn't my kind of thing'.
There's a world of difference between telling a white lie to spare the feelings of someone you have no reason to hurt and being so wishy-washy that it invites the born organisers among us to step forward with a plan to remedy matters!0 -
Have to say though, that although some people are saying she should have just said 'I don't want to come anymore,' and 'it's not for me, I don't like it, I am not keen on the people etc,' I find it hard to believe that all the people saying my wife should have said all this, would have said this themselves.
I know people like to think they are assertive and would have said this and that, but I very much doubt they would. Maybe one or two people would have, but many wouldn't... I reckon 2 out of 3 people saying my wife should have just said 'I don't wanna come, I am bored with it, not for me, don't like the people,' would not have said it themselves and would have also made a lame excuse, rather than be honest.
And as I have said several times, if my wife HAD said this, the woman would have just come up with a solution or an alternative. My wife had to make it clear - somehow - that she was not up for ANYthing.
I don't think anybody has suggested saying "I don't like the people" or anything similar. That would be rude and unkind.
I also don't think it takes an especially rare level of assertiveness to leave a group you aren't enjoying. Its not that unusual a scenario and most people are perfectly capable of dealing with it fairly easily without any stress or hand wringing or soul searching!I should probably add that when my wife first joined, this woman kept asking her to come to the Church 'House group' and to a 'ladies group,' and she was asked if she could volunteer to join in with the kids group on a Tuesday morning, (as she wasn't working at the time.) And also a few other things. She just kept asking...
My wife would say 'no sorry, Tuesdays are hard for me (as this was the first thing that came to her mind,) and the woman would say 'well, house group is on a Monday, so come to that, then when she made some excuse for that, the woman would say ummmmmm, and then say 'well ladies group is on a Friday.' No matter what my wife said, this woman would come up with a solution or a reason why she can do this instead, or that instead.
I am mentioning this, as it may go some way to explain why she said 'I am very busy and have a lot on at the moment, and can't commit to ANYTHING.' This closed down any possibilities for this woman to suggest something else. But now of course, she is (apparently) 'concerned...'
You'd think your wife would have learned after so many attempts that this woman is somebody who takes her at her word when she says she's busy, rather than reading between the lines that its an excuse. That's not a fault on her part though, not everybody is great at picking up hints, your wife should have realised that and been more direct.So I guess my wife better contact her and just say firmly that she won't be coming back, and will not be participating in any other group, and she will just see her at Church, seeing as the woman didn't get the message from her letter.
Now you're getting it!0
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