Looking for advice: Husband with spending problem
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heartbrokengirl
Posts: 6 Forumite
I'm a total newbie to these forums so please forgive me for any mistakes I make...
I'm totally lost in debt problems, or rather, my husband's debt problems. We haven't been married for long but last week I discovered that he is in debt to the tune of £45k. He didn't tell me this himself. I found it out by piecing together paperwork I could find and forcing him to get a credit report for me to see.
I had an inkling that things weren't right for a while but my husband always had a reason or a story. It's difficult to write it all down in a coherent storyline, but I'll try and I'm really grateful to any advice.
Me:
I'm no saint myself and I've spent too much in the past, but I have always then worked hard to clear any debt. I do treat myself regularly because I haven't felt that there were money problems until now. However, I've been saving into a pension monthly for several years and also kept an emergency fund of about 5k. I've also been giving hubby money of between 250 to 1k a month over the past year. I'm self-employed.
Him:
He has a fairly decent job bringing in about 2k a month after tax. He works very long hours and isn't lazy by any stretch of the imagination. He does have a taste for the good life but from what I had seen previously, it wasn't excessive. He likes going out with his mates, eating in restaurants etc. He doesn't have any big ticket items or anything like that.
We don't have any joint accounts or loans together.
The debts:
I realized that his attitude to money was strange shortly before we got married. I needed to get him some money when I was working abroad so I said it was okay for him to take my card and withdraw the money we had agreed upon. That account also held my tax savings for that year. Instead of the few hundred we agreed on, he cleared it of a few thousand. He told me that this was a miscommunication and wanting to believe him, I did believe him. He told me he would pay me back. I borrowed money from my family to cover the shortfall. I haven't received any of it back yet.
After we got married, I discovered that his mother had lent him money which I thought was strange as I was giving him 1k a month at that point. He said he was paying the money back and I believed him.
About one year ago we moved into a flat owned by his mother. She said we could have family rates, and I thought everything was going well. My husband said he was paying the rent to her and some extra to pay down the debt. I believed him.
A few months ago, I accidentally opened one letter to discover a debt collection agency was chasing him for 1.5k which I immediately paid for him because he told me it was a foolish mistake he had made and he had "forgotten" about that credit card.
Now I've discovered that his family haven't been receiving the full rent from him. I immediately offered to pay the arrears (recognizing that I've been living here and thus also responsible). They also want him to return the money they've loaned him (to the sum of 15k).
On his credit report, I've found credit card and overdraft debts of around 15k.
He has also been receiving letters from ex-business partners of his threatening court action for 15k they allege he took from the business through misconduct.
All of this debt has basically been built up over about 2-3 years. I have no understanding of how he has managed to spend this money. There is no car, no house or anything to show for it. I've paid for all holidays.
I'm devastated that he would lie to me all this time, and even to the very end he was denying it despite the paperwork in my hands showing the exact opposite of what he was claiming. I can only come to the conclusion that he has some sort of problem. I've asked him to tell me so we can solve the problem, but he just says he "spent it". I'm wondering if there may be some gambling problem, but I haven't found any evidence of that. There was some strange behaviour where he lent a cash card to a female colleague but he said that was because she couldn't open her own account... I don't know what to believe now.
I can barely sleep at the moment. I don't know whether it is worth helping someone who doesn't seem to realize the damage this spending has done. I don't even know if I have full knowledge of what is going on still. I'm loathed to give him more money or help him financially when I wonder if this is what has helped encourage his reckless behaviour in the first place.
I guess my question boils down to is can a person like this be helped? How is it best to help him?
I'm totally lost in debt problems, or rather, my husband's debt problems. We haven't been married for long but last week I discovered that he is in debt to the tune of £45k. He didn't tell me this himself. I found it out by piecing together paperwork I could find and forcing him to get a credit report for me to see.
I had an inkling that things weren't right for a while but my husband always had a reason or a story. It's difficult to write it all down in a coherent storyline, but I'll try and I'm really grateful to any advice.
Me:
I'm no saint myself and I've spent too much in the past, but I have always then worked hard to clear any debt. I do treat myself regularly because I haven't felt that there were money problems until now. However, I've been saving into a pension monthly for several years and also kept an emergency fund of about 5k. I've also been giving hubby money of between 250 to 1k a month over the past year. I'm self-employed.
Him:
He has a fairly decent job bringing in about 2k a month after tax. He works very long hours and isn't lazy by any stretch of the imagination. He does have a taste for the good life but from what I had seen previously, it wasn't excessive. He likes going out with his mates, eating in restaurants etc. He doesn't have any big ticket items or anything like that.
We don't have any joint accounts or loans together.
The debts:
I realized that his attitude to money was strange shortly before we got married. I needed to get him some money when I was working abroad so I said it was okay for him to take my card and withdraw the money we had agreed upon. That account also held my tax savings for that year. Instead of the few hundred we agreed on, he cleared it of a few thousand. He told me that this was a miscommunication and wanting to believe him, I did believe him. He told me he would pay me back. I borrowed money from my family to cover the shortfall. I haven't received any of it back yet.
After we got married, I discovered that his mother had lent him money which I thought was strange as I was giving him 1k a month at that point. He said he was paying the money back and I believed him.
About one year ago we moved into a flat owned by his mother. She said we could have family rates, and I thought everything was going well. My husband said he was paying the rent to her and some extra to pay down the debt. I believed him.
A few months ago, I accidentally opened one letter to discover a debt collection agency was chasing him for 1.5k which I immediately paid for him because he told me it was a foolish mistake he had made and he had "forgotten" about that credit card.
Now I've discovered that his family haven't been receiving the full rent from him. I immediately offered to pay the arrears (recognizing that I've been living here and thus also responsible). They also want him to return the money they've loaned him (to the sum of 15k).
On his credit report, I've found credit card and overdraft debts of around 15k.
He has also been receiving letters from ex-business partners of his threatening court action for 15k they allege he took from the business through misconduct.
All of this debt has basically been built up over about 2-3 years. I have no understanding of how he has managed to spend this money. There is no car, no house or anything to show for it. I've paid for all holidays.
I'm devastated that he would lie to me all this time, and even to the very end he was denying it despite the paperwork in my hands showing the exact opposite of what he was claiming. I can only come to the conclusion that he has some sort of problem. I've asked him to tell me so we can solve the problem, but he just says he "spent it". I'm wondering if there may be some gambling problem, but I haven't found any evidence of that. There was some strange behaviour where he lent a cash card to a female colleague but he said that was because she couldn't open her own account... I don't know what to believe now.
I can barely sleep at the moment. I don't know whether it is worth helping someone who doesn't seem to realize the damage this spending has done. I don't even know if I have full knowledge of what is going on still. I'm loathed to give him more money or help him financially when I wonder if this is what has helped encourage his reckless behaviour in the first place.
I guess my question boils down to is can a person like this be helped? How is it best to help him?
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Comments
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I have a feeling you haven't discovered everything there is to discover about this situation yet.
He's definitely spending it on something somewhere - those are huge sums of cash. You need to find out where this money is going and stop giving him money.
It certainly reads like the journal of somebody with a gambling problem if there's little else to show for his spending.0 -
I think you are owed an explanation. It does sound like a possible gambling problem. However I would try not to be confrontational. Explain you want to help, and you're concerned, and you can't help this dire situation if you don't know the full story. If he's your husband he should be able to tell you his problems so you can get through it together.0
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Op it is a general first rule that you do not help anyone with debt by giving or lending them money. First they need to understand their situation and be completely honest about it. I would be extremely wary of paying any more for anything or any financial links.0
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I'm afraid that I think he's gambling too.
Or (and I'm sorry) there's another woman/child in the picture.0 -
I would personally ask to see his credit card and bank statements (the one with the overdraft) so that you can work together as husband and wife to identify and address the underlying reasons for this overspending
If he refuses to show those to you - or makes up an excuse, then I would be honest and tell him you are worried he might be hiding a problem - such a gambling addiction - from you.
If you are willing to support him, then tell him that and explain that if this is what this is, then you will not judge, but make it clear to him that it is important that he accepts your help and that together, you get this problem sorted and that he gets help.
It is possible to address a gambling addiction yes. There will be others who can advise much better than me on that one. But as you are beginning to discover (as is your husband) it can have severe effects on your lives, if it is left unchecked.
I really feel for you OP - good luck with tackling this and the board is here if you need more advice.0 -
Hi HBG,
What an awful situation.
I would echo the above. I suspect addiction of some sort, probably gambling, but possibly drugs or prostitutes. I say this not out of glee but of bitter personal experience.
Hopefully this advice can help you make sense of things.
1. Do not give another penny to your partner until this matter is resolved to your complete satisfaction. (this could be months years or never)
2. Act now to protect your assets. change pin codes/passwords and seperate your finances totally. No joint accounts.
3. Believe NOTHING that your partner tells you. He has proven to be untrustworthy. Only believe hard proof that doesnt come from him. its the old ABC I'm afraid. Ask everything. Believe nothing. Check everything. If it is addiction then addicts can be more deceptive than you can ever imagine, i know addicts who have remorthgaged houses without their partners knowledge and spent the lot..
4. Be prepared for diversion and threats from your other half. They will do this to prevent you getting to the truth. (ie You want to talk about debt/they will turn it into how crap your marriage is and how they want to leave. ANYTHING to prevent you getting to the truth!)
5. Recognise that your marriage is in crisis. But do not accept this as an excuse not to deal with this matter until YOU are satisfied with it.
6. Do not let this end up being your problem for whicch you are somehow to blame. Sounds daft buts its a sad fact that many people end up in this situation.
7. Use your common sense and ALWAYS trust your instincts. If it sounds wrong, it probably is.
My heart goes out to you. Its a mess which will not easily be resolved. I will be amazed if it isnt gambling tbh (i am a recovering compulsive gambler and this story is horrifically familiar to me) Huge hugs.
Andy£1000 Emergency fund No90 £1000/1000
LBM 28/1/15 total debt - [STRIKE]£23,410[/STRIKE] 24/3/16 total debt - £7,298
!0 -
My immediate thought was gambling too
Some great advice above. I really do wish you well.
HBS x"I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."
"It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."
#Bremainer0 -
Oh darling I'm afraid I agree wholeheartedly with andyfromotley. I too learnt from bitter experience.
Your husband is a parasite and he will leech you dry. It could be gambling or it could be cocaine, but it is almost certainly an addiction of some sort.
Believe nothing that he says because he has proven to you that he will lie and lie and lie. Firstly do everything you can to protect your remaining assets and cash. Secondly confront him with all your evidence and - this is important - expect him to turn very nasty when you do this. Be prepared for him to sling vast amounts of mud at you as he tries to change the subject. You must use the broken record technique: "Okay, so you've decided I'm a snooping b**ch but I still need you to explain where this money has gone. Yes I heard you, I'm the worst wife ever but I still need you to explain where this money has gone. Yes okay you're going to walk out on me/commit suicide/firebomb the house with me in it but I still need you to tell me where this money has gone". (I am not making those examples up by the way - I lived through this and ended up leaving him as he couldn't tell the truth to save his life).
There were so many times in my relationship where I said to myself "I wouldn't dream of doing this to him - why does he do it to me? Can't he see it's wrong?" I walked out on him when I realized that No, he didn't think it was wrong when he did it.
As embarrassed as you are going to feel (how could I let this happen to me?) I would urge you to speak to your family, his family, and your friends. They will lend you their strength and support.
Take care x"The problem with Internet quotes is that you can't always depend on their accuracy" - Abraham Lincoln, 18640 -
Hi,
I agree with AndyfromtheMotley's sensible post. My heart goes out to you because there is something very wrong here, & unless you can get through the dishonesty & cover-up to get at the real problem, the significant levels of debt are just going to increase. Please do stop giving your husband any more money. He is on a decent income & shouldn't need to be tapping anyone else for these very large sums. I feel there is probably an addiction at the root of this.......gambling is the most likely one for getting through the colossal amounts of money you describe with nothing to show for it. The other possibility is that there is another relationship/family somewhere. It's a horrible thing to be suggesting, but I once knew someone to whom this happened. Another mortgage & partner in another part of the country for a few years & she had absolutely no idea.
Without being confrontational, I think you have subsidised him quite enough to be entitled to ask if there are problems. If the answer is 'No'. Then you can reassure him that you are worried about him, because a few things are not stacking up (& frankly, that's an understatement). I would have some concrete examples ready, so that you an be persistent in your approach to pinning him down. Don't be fobbed off that it'll all be ok, you're making a fuss about nothing, he's perfectly fine, etc, etc, because the situation you describe is far from fine. At the moment, you seem to be a kind of cash cow which helps to facilitate whatever this secret lifestyle is, because there's a secret there somewhere, & if it's gambling addiction, he will need the right help with that before the finances are going to get back on track. I really do wish you all the best with what is going to be very difficult conversation, but it is one which you must have, because the current situation is neither sustainable financially or as a relationship, but please don't give him another penny, regardless of how much he begs.
f"For each of our actions there are only consequences" (James Lovelock)"For in the true nature of things......every green tree is far more glorious than if it were made of gold & silver" (Martin Luther King Jnr)0 -
I agree with Andy above - protect yourself.
My ex had debts of £26k but lied and lied to me about them. Eventually I forced the truth out of him (we were trying to buy a house together). We rented instead, and I helped him pay back his debts by taking a promotion with a house attached, helping him budget etc.
He paid back the money.
The real problem, though, wasn't the debt. It was the fact he was a dishonest liar. Can you guess what he lied about next? Yep, cheated on me, in many hideous ways, lying merrily all along.
I've never been so happy to dump someone.
So my question to you, OP, is 'Can you trust him?' And if the answer is no, then 'Can you be married to a man you can't trust?'.
Hugs - I know how disappointed you must feel.0
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