Playdate ettiquette

YORKSHIRELASS · 19 May 2015 at 9:00PM

Its hard isnt it, you kind of assume that everyone else shares your way of doing things. Mine are teenagers now and not long ago a friend tracked mud up the stairs and into my sons bedroom. I just assumed that kids of that age would take their shoes off in the house but I decided that it wasnt worth making a huge fuss over.

In some ways its easier when they are a little bit older and come on their own without parents then you feel a bit more in charge. Oh but then the sleepovers start and thats a whole different issue!

I remember lots of times when playdates have gone a bit manic and toys have been thrown everywhere. To some extent its just one of those things that you have to endure as a parent. I dont think you could have done anything differently but I do understand why you felt a bit upset.

Before you know it you will be trying to persuade a gang of 14 year olds to come off the XBox and go to sleep at 3am!

GracieP · 19 May 2015 at 9:18PM

My house is honestly nowhere near a show home. The only rule I have with toys is that if my son is finished playing with something he has to help me put it back up before he starts a new game. That's it. If he is playing a game that includes 10 or 20 or 50 of his toys that's fine. As long as all the toys are part of whatever world he has created and are important to his game that's fine. What I have a problem with is pulling toys off shelves, throwing them on the floor without really playing with them and then pulling something else down. At one stage he was pulling jigsaws off the shelf, tipping all the pieces out, then grabbing another jigsaw, tipping the pieces out and moving on to the next box. He had tipped 6 jigsaws on the floor before I managed to stop him and his mum was sitting with him the whole time. I don't think that's play, I think it's overstimulation and that he'd have been better able to play with less toys on the floor.

As for the going to lots of toddler groups, that wasn't meant as a criticism, we go to lots of toddler groups and I think they are great. It's just that at the one we attend together, the toys are on the floor for the whole morning and it's completely acceptable for the kids to play with something for 30 seconds then drop it on the floor and move on to something else. Which is absolutely fine in that setting but not ok in any home I've ever been to. If this little boy hasn't been to a lot of other kids homes, then he probably doesn't know the difference.

rachiibell · 20 May 2015 at 12:29AM

I think child's play does get messy. I cringe at some of the things me and my friends did when we're little looking back as an adult! Me and my best friend always used to make "potions" when we went round each others houses which must always have led to a very messy bathroom and half of our mums nice creams and bubble baths getting wasted!

I think it's much harder when there's another parent there too especially if they don't parent in a similar style. I'd organise your next play date at her house and see how that goes.

If you do have them round again maybe try planning a couple of activities first so you can keep them focused on one thing at a time and lessen the mess.

Good luck

pendragon_arther · 20 May 2015 at 2:00AM

I'd imagine it's dependent on whose house it is. She maybe thought this is how things are in this house and didn't want to intrude her discipline. Maybe next time explain more clearly what you expect and keep a eye on developments before it gets out of hand. Exhaustion can play a hand in how parents deal with their kids as I can tell from watching my eldest daughter deal with her very lively young sons. You can get very tired from telling the kids the same things a thousand times. There's no need to be hard on yourself; it's not the end of the world. As I tell my daughter, 'you'll look back on these times with fondness'.

LannieDuck · 20 May 2015 at 8:28AM

I think somewhere in the middle is probably 'normal' (if there can be such a thing with kids).

My 3 yo loves using her books as stepping stones and lays out little footpaths to balance along. So I wouldn't necessarily have stopped her doing that. But I definitely wouldn't have let her pull 6 jigsaws out and throw them all on the floor - after the second I'd have told her it was enough and did she want to play with one of them? (I would also have sorted them back out for you)

So... a bit of mess is to be expected (and almost certainly more than you're used to), but the other Mum should have been much more proactive. It sounds as if she was using you as a bit of free babysitting.

GracieP · 21 May 2015 at 9:54PM

Thanks for all the replies, it's certainly all food for thought. I met this woman at toddler group yesterday and she was pushing very hard for another invite, suggesting we should do it 2 or 3 times a week. I suggested meeting at the park/softplay but she only wanted to come to my house. So I suggested a morning visit next week but she didn't want to have to come early when i said I'd be doing something later in the day so wasn't available later she said she'd prefer not to come on a day where I want to do something else in the afternoon so that she could relax and not have a time that she had to leave by. I said I pretty much always have something to do in the afternoons, I'm divorced with full custody and I work from home at night when my son is asleep. Mornings are when I socialise with friends, in the afternoon I walk the dog and visit family. My son and my father are very, very close and as my parents live nearby I normally pop in to them for tea or we do a combined dog walk, or my mum and I go shopping together with my son. I like my routine, it keeps me sane and assures that my son has a healthy male influence as a regular part of his life. While I'm not rigid and I'll change my routine on occasion I don't feel I can do things the way she wants.

It's a pity, her son is a lovely little boy and he and my son really do appear to be striking up a nice friendship. The woman herself is perfectly nice too and I'd love it if we became friends too. But right now I have the impression that she has formed a picture in her head of how we should be interacting and doesn't want to deviate from that even though the specifics don't work for me. She doesn't seem to want to compromise and meet in other places, she just wants to come to my house several days a week and stay for the whole day each time.

Lunar_Eclipse · 22 May 2015 at 7:47AM

Play is messy, but I don't think this behaviour was typical of any play dates I've had. It sounds like a nightmare, but not one to really get upset over, no harm is done but you need to nip it in the bud for your son.

I've never met a parent who would allow their child to tip jigsaws out, pull books down from a shelf simply to pile them up etc. You are correct when you say this boy wasn't playing, and too many toys being out does often prevent play.

I think you can salvage this relationship if you want to though: tell the 'boys' (ie and other mum!), at the beginning of play that you are not going to tidy up after them like you did last time, so one thing out at a time. And keep on top of that rule by gently reminding as you notice them abandoning toys.

If this doesn't work, consider reducing what they have access to.

If my child had made that much mess in my presence, I would not have left your house like that, especially not on a first visit!

Kaye1 · 22 May 2015 at 8:23PM

Hmm. I would never expect a play date to last all day. Mine crash and burn after about 4 hours. It is a bit odd that she wants to come to your house, yet she wants to set the times and length of visit.

I think visiting a soft play area or park together would be a good compromise.

Brighton_belle · 23 May 2015 at 4:47PM

Don't be afraid to have firm clear boundaries about when and how long they come for. She doesn't get to dictate how you spend your time, and who with unless you choose to.
She sounds potentially like a total taker who will suck your energy dry and give little back.

And if you think she really was doing passive aggressive big sighs over your need to clear up, in your own home, then why would you want to have her in your home at all?
Open ended arrangements that she has complete control over when they end (in your home!) and you don't, sound ghastly.
Also, should you commit to 2-3 times a week, that leave you no lee way to change your mind, or bring other people/children in to your little boys life, she'll total monopolise you.

Allowing trashing of rooms and repeatedly pulling out things just to throw them on the floor and then grab the next thing is very poor parenting.

Be confident in your choices, and gut feeling.

Counting_Pennies_2 · 23 May 2015 at 11:10PM

If I am to be honest and I mean this kindly, I think you are both being rigid but in different ways.

She wants complete flexibility in terms of not being fixed in times to arrive and leave but also happy to let it all let rip, and you want just mornings only and would like the house kept in some form of order as the day goes on.

I think if you both found some compromise you would both get along really well.

I have been to various types of plays over the years, one wife scared stiff of husbands reaction when he walks in to all the mess and frantically tidying and shouting at the little ones not to make a mess all the time, right down to the stage you describe where you pick your way through the pile on the floor carefully so as not to twist an ankle.

I have had days when the group of children playing, up ended absolutely every toy and box there was in the play room, it wasn't pleasant to sort through, but I had a great day catching up with the mums, the children played well and ultimately everyone was happy. We flexibly worked our way through the afternoon, moving into the garden for a picnic tea as there was nowhere left to sit and munch the some sandwiches I made for the little ones to keep their sugar levels up, to reduce the chances of bad behaviour.

There is no right or wrong way, my main advice is to try to stay flexible, and go with the flow.

Playdate ettiquette

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free