Playdate ettiquette

GracieP

I am finding our 'friendship' very strange. My neighbous are doing a big renovation at the moment so during the day it's very noisy and often quite dusty at my house. I have been going out most of the day when the work is going on as I can't open a window due to the noise and dirt and even with the windows closed after a while the sound of banging really grates. I've told this woman why we are out and about so much at the moment and we had a good chat about it and felt like I'd make a fresh effort with her. Since then I've called her a few times and asked if she wants to join us at the park/softplay/trip to feed the ducks, etc but she has never come. Then at playgroup today she talked a few times about meeting up and I made a few suggestions about where we could go and she said we'd arrange something and went off to talk to someone else. Later on she bought up us meeting again and when I agreed she straight away started making plans about what she'd do at my house when she came over. I reminded her that my house isn't the best spot to meet at the moment and suggested we go for a picnic at a nice park thats a short walk from both our houses. She didn't respond at all and after a few minutes of silence/me trying to fill the silence, she started getting really snappish with me and correcting anything I said or did. It felt really passive aggressive.

It's becoming apparent that she just wants to hang out at my house all the time and has much more interest in being here than she does in fostering a friendship between ou sons or with me.

Kaye1

She is just using you as an unpaid babysitter. If you go to the park, she still has to 'look after,' her children.


At you house, she can ignore them and do nothing.

Joy_Burke

Hi Gracie P. As a personal rule, I do not judge someone else's parenting style. Each parent is different and each child is different. Parents adjust their style to their child. In fact, your parenting style may be different between two of your children or even more. On the other hand, good manners do not vary. If you are in someone else's home, you "get a sense" of how things "go" in that home and you adjust to it. So, if I am in someone else's house, I observe for the first few minutes how things work and then I feel my way around. I even ask, from time to time, what is ok with the homeowner and what is not.

Another point in your story is this. In school, children are taught to clean up after each play. If you are done playing with one toy, you put it back in it's place before getting another toy. How is that any different from being at home or someone else's home?

Finally, you may have to adjust your expectations a bit about tidiness. Kids will be kids, after all. Yes, they will "pack away" some of the toys, but in their excitement, they may not be able to do it properly or as they do when they are playing on their own, so be ready for a bit of a mess. Also, set your rules or expectations. Talk to your child as soon as his friend gets to the house - something like "show your friend your toys, but remember to clean up afterwards." That way, the other parent will know at the onset how things work at your house.

GracieP

I really think at this point that my problem is this woman in particular. I've had a good few playdates in the last while. My son has made friends with a pair of brothers who live on our road and they have been in and out of our house a lot. I've had friends with young children over a lot. (I made an extra effort to issue invites in part to test how I react to other kids here). And I haven't had any problems at all with anyone else. The neighbour boys are here without a parent and I let them do pretty much whatever they want but the mess they make is one that I consider completely normal as when they are here they just play. Some of my friends' children are still a bit young to play 'with' ds, they just come in and see toys and set to play. Some of them react badly when ds tries to play with his toys with them but he just lets them to it and does his own thing and they play beside each other. Lots of toys come out but it's never even remotely as crazy as the day the I wrote the OP about.

At the same time whenever I meet this woman she just won't stop about coming to my house. I have told her repeatedly that my house isn't the best spot at the moment due to my neighbours building work. In fact part of my back garden is a bit of a building site at the minute as I've given my neighbours permission to use my side entrance to make their access wide enough for machinery to come through for their work and the dividing fence has been taken down as they are going to replace it with a wall. But she just won't accept that. On Friday I saw her and she quizzed me and quizzed me on the work and why I prefer being out when it's happening. She just would not accept anything I said and got really passive aggressive again. At the same time I spent most of the day at toddler group with her son in my arms as he wasn't feeling well and she kept giving him to me. A few times when I needed to stop ds from doing something or take him to the toilet another mum either had to take the other little boy from me or help my son for me as she would suddenly be somewhere else when I needed her to take her little boy from me.

I was absolutely fuming with her by the time we were leaving. When she brought up coming to our house again, as if the whole quiz she'd subjected me to earlier that morning had never happened, I suggested meeting at her apartment instead. Her answer boiled down to her feeling that as my house is bigger, I owe them the time in a bigger space. I completely get not wanting to have people over to a small home. For the first year after I left my husband I lived in a tiny, horrible flat and I hated having people to visit. But I never, ever felt like it was the responsibility of my friends with bigger houses to supply us with a nice place hang out. I am starting to feel really used by her.

HB58

Unfortunately, some people in life are takers and I doubt this woman will ever change. In your position I think I would be distancing myself from her very rapidly.

onlyroz

Where did this phrase "play date" come from - I'd never heard it until recently. When I was a kid we just went around to people's houses. Perhaps it's another Americanism that has made its way over the pond?

barbiedoll

OP, it sounds like you need to try a bit of [STRIKE]passive[/STRIKE] aggressiveness yourself.

If she ever demands to come round to your home again, simply state bluntly..."No, I'm not having other people's kids round at my house again, they make too much mess and I'm not clearing up after someone else's children, especially in my bathroom."

And leave it at that. You never know, she may actually get the hint!

All this rubbish about having a small flat is just an excuse. We lived in a flat when our son was small, we still had people (and their kids) round to visit. We actually held our wedding "reception" there, we squeezed in 19 adults and 5 kids. Mind you, it did look like a bomb had gone off by the time they all left! :rotfl:

It sounds to me like she prefers the free babysitting service/free wi-fi/free food and drink. Cheeky mare! :mad:

Joy_Burke

Well, that additional information says a lot. I feel sorry for you having such a person. It is hard to be around who think of no one else but themselves. I think the best way to treat them is to steer clear.

Birdie85

It definitely sounds like you need to steer clear of this woman from now on! She's one of life's takers, and it sounds like she just wants a free babysitter instead of a friendship.

I live in a 2-bed flat, one of my mum friends lives in a big 4-bed house with a nice garden and playroom... we still take it in turns to host play dates, just because my space isn't as big or nice as someone else's doesn't mean that I can't give them a change of scenery and new toys for their LO's to play with. I absolutely never feel like anyone owes me anything!

GracieP

Thanks guys. The playgroup has broken up for the summer now so we aren't seeing her very often. DS has started playing frequently with the boys who live on our road so I'm not feeling too badly about him missing out on playing with her son and he'll be starting playschool in September whereas DS won't be going until next year so playdates will be a lot less convenient for her soon. She has made a few suggestions about coming out to us after school for the afternoon and staying until bedtime but that won't be happening. I think it's the open-ended timing she insists on for her visits that is what really gets to me. If it was just for 2 or 3 hours I think I'd be ok with it but it's not, she wants to stay for the entire day even until past DS's bedtime, which is 8.30pm! I've also noticed that she is constantly making little digs about my parenting, my way of doing housework, my hobbies, etc. I don't know if she knows she's doing it but I find it incredibly wearing. She also told me recently about an outing she went on with some of the other parents in the group and how it was nice because they really are lovely people even though they are chavs! I wasn't sure I heard her right and asked her to repeat what she said, and she said she hated to call them chavs because the are lovely people but they are chavs!!!! I'm sorry I didn't tell her that if she hates to say it, then maybe she shouldn't. Unfortunately I was too shocked at the time to say anything.

DS wants to invite her son to his upcoming birthday party and that's fine. I might be having it somewhere other than the house anyway as the building work is behind schedule. I have come to realise though, that some of the other parents from the group who's kids will also be invited really, really dislike her. It's not surprising I guess, but I don't want to leave her little boy out of the party because of her. As well as that I do feel sorry for her. I think her home life isn't great and some of the way she acts is a reaction to her unhappiness, so I'm reluctant to cut her out completely but I am setting boundaries and one of those is that I don't want her in my home right now as I feel like I'm taken advantage of when she is here.