At my wits end

MacyD · 25 October 2014 at 1:43PM

I had a previous log in for years but have had to set a new one as I can't log in.

I am feeling at my wits end and can't cope. I do everything in the house from the shopping, cleaning, ironing and cooking. I also have 2 jobs and work 45 hours a week.

I have 3 teenagers who do their own rooms but my partner doesn't help with anything. He works full time too.

Anytime I ask my partner to do anything he goes in a mood and starts banging things, slamming doors.

I asked him on Thursday night to put a torch away that was lying on the table, which is his and he went in a mood. He leaves everything lying about and never cleans up after himself.

He ignored me the rest of the night and I was really upset. Anytime I try to talk to him he just says so its all my fault.

I felt so upset in work on Friday and feel I can't cope with being treated like this anymore. I feel physically sick and shaky.

He has avoided me since just going out

Thanks for reading

Horace · 25 October 2014 at 1:52PM

Sounds as though you are depressed because you are doing everything.

Teenagers can help with general house cleaning and cooking too as well as laundry and doing their own ironing.

Your OH sounds like a spoilt child - getting into a sulk, no idea what to suggest with regards to him and his behaviour.

FBaby · 25 October 2014 at 1:56PM

How long has it been going on? The problem is that if you've accepted it for a long time, it is going to be very hard to introduce sudden changes. Still, if you are at your wits end, it will have to take place, so keep up with it, accept that it will come with grumpiness, but if you stand by your expectations, he will have to adapt slowly.

Pollycat · 25 October 2014 at 1:57PM

I agree with Horace, it sounds like you have 4 children, not 3.

How long have you been together?

I would find it totally unacceptable to work full-time and my partner did nothing at all to help in the house.

If he can stop sulking long enough, I'd sit him down and explain how unfairly he is treating you and suggest a division of jobs that would give you some time for yourself and reduce your feelings of stress.

Good luck, I hope he listens.

dandelionclock30 · 25 October 2014 at 2:00PM

I'd sit down with him and explain that he will have to start pulling his weight with the household chores otherwize I would be leaving. Sounds like he has no respect for you? Could he go back to his mothers for a bit to give you a break?
Also why are you putting up with it?

KxMx · 25 October 2014 at 2:03PM

I dislike the term helping around the house. That implies it's OP's job and her OH would be doing her a favour if he did something.

I much prefer talk of "shares".

You may have to accept some lowering of standards as a trade off for not doing everything yourself- is is the end of the world that torch was on the table for example? But at the same time he needs to be doing his share, as do the teenagers.

sofaspud1234 · 25 October 2014 at 2:09PM

I think there is more to this, maybe it's time to sit down together and really talk to one another. You both sound unhappy and if you both carry on as you are you will drift further apart.

Pollycat · 25 October 2014 at 2:09PM

KxMx wrote: »

I dislike the term helping around the house. That implies it's OP's job and her OH would be doing her a favour if he did something.

I much prefer talk of "shares".

Sorry if you took it that way.
It was not meant to sound like it was the OP's job.

I certainly do not consider my OH has 'done me a favour' if he wipes up the dishes.

That's why I mentioned 'division of jobs' in a later sentence.

pollypenny · 25 October 2014 at 2:09PM

I'd say there should be a division of labour, including the teenagers.

You need a serious sit down and talk things through. Can you afford a cleaner once a week? The psychological boost of coming home on the day she'd been was wonderful for me.

pmlindyloo · 25 October 2014 at 2:21PM

The text book answers are:

Arrange a family meeting and decide who does what. Make a list and stick it on the fridge. Award stars to people who do their jobs and consequences for those who do.

All this to be done in an atmosphere of congeniality with a bottle of wine or two and everybody realising that poor mum somehow has ended up doing almost everything and things have to change.

Things change and everyone lives happily ever after.

Now the reality.

No one does family meetings after years of not doing them and everyone thinks you are menopausal and having a hissy fit. Things don't change.

So, in no particular order.

Divorce your lazy OH.
Go away for a few weeks or, even better, a few months and leave them to get on with it
Carry on as you are
Stop doing any of their washing ironing and sing when they have a hissy fit or go for a walk
Get a cleaner, someone to do the ironing - preferably someone dishy and handsome
Get a large basket and anything left lying around gets thrown (whoops) put in there
Start evening classes/meet up with friends/go to the pictures/find a toy boy/wander the streets/get drunk EVERY night and then go to bed when you get home
Buy yourself some new clothes/make up/get a new hairstyle/go on a diet, become a new person, not a wife or a mum but a vibrant woman of the world, one that makes them look at you differently

Only half joking. Good luck!

balletshoes · 25 October 2014 at 2:33PM

MacyD wrote: »

I had a previous log in for years but have had to set a new one as I can't log in.

I am feeling at my wits end and can't cope. I do everything in the house from the shopping, cleaning, ironing and cooking. I also have 2 jobs and work 45 hours a week.

I have 3 teenagers who do their own rooms but my partner doesn't help with anything. He works full time too.

Anytime I ask my partner to do anything he goes in a mood and starts banging things, slamming doors.

I asked him on Thursday night to put a torch away that was lying on the table, which is his and he went in a mood. He leaves everything lying about and never cleans up after himself.

He ignored me the rest of the night and I was really upset. Anytime I try to talk to him he just says so its all my fault.

I felt so upset in work on Friday and feel I can't cope with being treated like this anymore. I feel physically sick and shaky.

He has avoided me since just going out

Thanks for reading

how much mess do your teenagers make in the rest of the rooms that aren't theirs?

If you like things neater than the rest of your household does (some people just really don't "see" untidiness around them) invest in 4 storage boxes, put them in the hall/near the stairs/wherever you like, and do a sweep of the room(s) when it bothers you, putting everything that belongs to one of your teens/OH in their designated box. Then its out of sight to you, and they need to go looking for it if they realise they want it. If it doesn't get looked for/taken back to its rightful room by its owner in, say, a month or so, then you get to decide what happens to it

.
Tell all of your family this is what you're planning to do, because the housework is just putting too much pressure on you as you do it all, and then invite them to come up with alternative solutions.

These are practical steps, but they may not make any difference to the resentment that may be (justifiably) building in you regarding having to tidy up after every other person in the house.

At my wits end

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