How do you know when 'it's time' - elderly parents

We always get a large calendar from Moonpig each year for our mum, we use family photos (which she loves) and my sister fills in all the family/friend birthdays before she gives it to her. My mum, thankfully, doesn't have any memory problems (apart from going through all of our names before she gets to the right one!) my sister is just helpful like that.

Do your parents have a mobile phone? Most GP's and hospitals have a text reminder system set up. You can always ask for you phone number to be used, you can then ring mum or dad to remind them if that works better.

Do you have any siblings? If so, don't take this all on yourself, delegate if you can!

troubleinparadise wrote: »

That only works if they are in agreement. You can’t make someone with capacity do something just because you think they should, however pragmatic it may seem to you. I have seen that done, and it creates terrible unhappiness all round.

Of course, in the 'we' I meant my parents and the 'children' in agreement. They were very much up for it.

Its best to at least discuss it sooner rather than later, the older we get often the less we like change but the more we need some.

cjdavies wrote: »

Should he still be driving? I'm not having a go, I'm curious if they are allowed.

It's allowed until someone says 'no' or until DVLA call for an assessment. Whenever FIL was in hospital I used to make sure that someone checked he was OK to keep driving - and I was glad to hear that the OP's dad no longer drives at night or to unfamiliar places!

On one occasion, when I was doing the discreet checkup over FIL's driving, a nurse explained that often people with mild dementia would be fine, until confronted with something different. Roadworks, a diversion, being directed to the wrong side of the carriageway - absolutely thrown. And that's when accidents happen.

Like the OP, MIL never drove, and latterly FIL never drove without MIL beside him, but there were still some tense moments.

Primrose wrote: »

I put together a memory notebook for my parents to keep beside the phone as I lived two hours away. Any queries/ needs they had Would be written down in that so when I ohone every day they could just refer to the memory book.

This worked well u TIL my dad,s dementia started getting worse and he would tear out the relevant page, put it “in a safe place” and not remember where he had put it! It,s odd things like this which make you realise that however well you tryand plan, the unexpected will often crop up to ambush your well laid preparations.

This. MIL cannot really leave FIL for long, because even if she leaves a note explaining where she has gone, and what time she will be back, and where his lunch is if she's out for a meal, he will forget that there is a note, and not find it. Or if he finds it and reads it, he does not retain the information, so she returns and he has been very worried about her, nearly phoning the police.

Unfortunately, MIL has rejected all the strategies we employed with my parents to keep them independent. A gardener and a cleaner - no, she can manage the cleaning, and although FIL can no longer do anything in his beloved garden my BIL has had to take it over. Someone coming in to give her a break, so that she can go out without worrying - no, she does not think FIL would want other people in the house, he would want to know what they were doing there and where she was. Social activities, memory cafes - no, that kind of thing has never appealed to FIL. And so on.

One thing, if you have siblings, I tried to make sure that whenever any of us visited we let the others know what we'd found, what we'd done, whether there was anything they wanted done, what suggestions I'd made. Even though not all of us were in a position to visit regularly, it seemed sensible.

- set up Health and Welfare POA

Talk about whether they would like this to happen. I'm sure that's what you meant, but it needs to be their decision.

- would like them both to have their hearing tested (some serious resistance to this...)

If they don't want it, I wouldn't even raise the issue. There's being helpful and there's being pushy, and if you push too much then they'll resent it. Many older people are more than happy to live with poor hearing, especially if both are as bad, it just means they have the tv that much louder!

- visit more often

This, a hundred times! There's no doubting that you care very much but visiting only every few months is not on. So much can happen in that time, as you've already found, if you were there far *far* more often any issues can be addressed as they occur, not after the event.

Wishing your parents well xx

I'd say keep in regular contact and visit regularly and you should naturally pick up on changes. Having worked with older people, a very common thing was for them was to not want to ' cause hassle' or ' be a burden' etc. Elderly folk would often state how their son / daughter is busy at work and lives far away etc so they would avoid mentioning when they needed help. With that in mind, I'd just reiterate how its really important they tell you if they need help as it will give you peace of mind. Its true that independence is really important. My plan is to implement small changes for my parents as and when they need it. Rather than wait till there are multiple or serious issues. So I might take them to M+S to get a weeks supply of ready meals they can cook whenever they choose rather than having to wait for a meal delivery. Get a cleaner to do just the heavy / hard housework rather than all of it etc. The main thing is their safety. If they start to wonder off / leave the oven on, that's different. I suppose the main thing is to not force help on them but be guided by what they need / want in a way that's acceptable to them.