14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

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  • my-user-name
    my-user-name Posts: 267 Forumite
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    Letters out of the bin and is now at the back of the filing cuboard in the spare room (in the black hole of Calcutter as I call it)just in case its ever needed.
    Strangely enough today I feel nothing for him and if he did have a affair while we were together then I'm feeling its a "whatever",I actually feel good today !
    Having a affair while we were together was a definite no no,I would of kicked him to the kerb and vise verso with him but right now I'm honestly not bothered if he ever did or didn't,it wont make any difference at all.
    The fact remains hes denied it to his step mum,hes denied it to 2 of the neighbours and now with this letter hes denied it to me ,this should now be the end of the story.
    If he has the slightest hope that he will crawl back to me then he,s wasting his time,his actions especially since he left proves to me hes not the one I fell in love with all those years ago.
    Is today the day I can honestly say I'm over him??kind of feels good if it is.
    And besides Ive just won a full set of bedroom furniture off ebay,I got a bargain!!
  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,621 Forumite
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    New friendship with Miss Envelope, winning theatre tickets, eBay bedroom furniture winner. You're on a roll. Looks like him moving out has turned all your luck around !
  • my-user-name
    my-user-name Posts: 267 Forumite
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    Primrose wrote: »
    New friendship with Miss Envelope, winning theatre tickets, eBay bedroom furniture winner. You're on a roll. Looks like him moving out has turned all your luck around !

    I think you could be right Primrose lol
    I don't want anyone to mess it up,getting that letter makes me feel this is the end of him trying to contact me and the same goes for his family too,that makes me feel good.
    I'm going to ask Miss Envelope if she would like to come with me to the theartre,we can be posh for the night lol
  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,621 Forumite
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    And in about ten years time when you're clearing out your black Hole of Calcutta filing cabinet and come across that letter you'll look at it and think "Good heavens, what a loser he was! " and throw it in the rubbish bin without a second thought. It's amazing what some time and distance can do to emotional feelings which can feel overwhelming at the time.
  • Supernatural
    Supernatural Posts: 148 Forumite
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    Keep up the good work, it sounds as if you are now getting stronger, enjoy your new friendships and doing fun things, you deserve to have fun and be happy, remember that :)

    What a pathetic excuse of a man he is, getting mummy involved... oh dear. He's trying to justify himself and his awful behaviour, what does he expect you to do with the information that he didn't cheat? Throw a party? Hardly! If any further letters arrive I'd file them in the black hole unread, you don't need to read any more of his drivel.

    Most likely he'll tell anyone who'll listen that he wasn't at fault, he's tried to be nice, you are being unreasonable in not letting him explain, you've gone crazy... etc etc. Well, b0ll0cks to him, keep your head up and fill your life with things that make YOU smile, that doesn't include him x
    Strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government
  • DigForVictory
    DigForVictory Posts: 11,906 Forumite
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    Atta gal!

    If a second letter appears, (big if), then I'd shove it straight into the "out of sight, way our of mind" drawer. Without spending any money on the louse, if I had a silk scarf I no longer cared for, I might wrap the envelope in that.
    Which is complete hindbrain superstition, but while I agree with keep the evidence I'm a firm believer in giving my brain all the tranquility I can source & stopping the icky vibes. For me, wrapping in silk works.

    Over 8 quid for a burger? I raise teenagers & regard that as [expletives deleted] expensive for a burger. Still, a happy feed with a pal? Worth every penny. Though I might check MSE Deals planning the next one!
  • my-user-name
    my-user-name Posts: 267 Forumite
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    Supernatural
    I know I'm getting stronger, theres no feeling of anger,no feeling of upset....just no feeling at all and I'm more than happy with that.I do wonder what I would of done if I hadn't of posted on here though and took heed of the advice from everyone,possibly I would of begged him to come back,how crazy is that??

    Primrose
    Yes its been a lucky weekend for me!! Ive been in the black hole of Calcutta getting rid of tons of stuff.This room is the room all the crap goes into when theres no where else for it to go so sorting it out is a ballache but I'm getting there.My biggest regret is having to get rid of all my Christmas decorations from the past few years,I live for Christmas but I'm desperate to make this black hole into a bedroom,its supposed to be that anyway lol

    Supernatural
    You have such a good point regarding him telling everyone who will listen...I'm certain this hasn't gone to plan for him.He will of thought Id be like I was last time,3 years ago.,He said at the time he had "lost the love of the physical side of me" and I begged him to take me back????I need a good slapping I know.Yes I had piled on the weight at the time but it was medical reasons not because I had left myself go.This time theres no begging,its the complete opposite!!!

    DigForVictory
    If a second letter arrives I will find him and ram it where the sun dosent shine lol
    In a way I'm pleased the letter arrived,it turned my thoughts to clearing out the black hole.Once Ive finished(and it wont be for hours yet) I will make certain the letter is well hidden in some dark corner and well out of site.
    I came across a lot of Christmas cards over the past few years while sorting things out,Ive always kept all that he sent.In fact Ive kept all Christmas cards I received over the past 6 or 7 years,(every single one of them)I do this so that when my decs go up I have tons of cards which I hang throughout my home,when people call they always comment how many friends I must have considering the amount of cards I have!!! If only they knew Id collected them for a lot of years lol
    But there in the bin too,oh it feels refreshing lol
  • gallygirl
    gallygirl Posts: 17,228 Forumite
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    my-user-name wrote: »

    Primrose
    Yes its been a lucky weekend for me!! Ive been in the black hole of Calcutta getting rid of tons of stuff.This room is the room all the crap goes into when theres no where else for it to go so sorting it out is a ballache but I'm getting there.My biggest regret is having to get rid of all my Christmas decorations from the past few years,I live for Christmas but I'm desperate to make this black hole into a bedroom,its supposed to be that anyway lol
    M-U-N, I've been cheering you on from the sidelines, you're doing great :T. As you're starting a new life maybe it's time to take stock of everything. Have you come across the KonMari method? There'a really good article here: http://www.marthastewart.com/1106009/konmari-trendy-new-organizing-method and another here: https://www.happier.com/blog/5-life-changing-lessons-the-konmari-decluttering-method-taught-me. Basically you get all your 'stuff' together in categories and decide what you want to keep rather than if you should throw something away.

    It's a bit 'woowoo' (e.g. you ask things if they 'spark joy' and have to thank things as you let them go) but it really works and many people find it lifts their whole lives. For example, do you still have any clothes from when you put on weight? How much lighter (in all ways!) would you feel if you got rid of them? You might find you'd have room to store your Christmas decorations AND have a spare bedroom :). This is the book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. Please at least read the articles, I think it could be just what you need xx
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    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort
    :) Mortgage Balance = £0 :)
    "Do what others won't early in life so you can do what others can't later in life"
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,688 Forumite
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    gallygirl wrote: »
    Have you come across the KonMari method? There'a really good article here: http://www.marthastewart.com/1106009/konmari-trendy-new-organizing-method and another here: https://www.happier.com/blog/5-life-changing-lessons-the-konmari-decluttering-method-taught-me. Basically you get all your 'stuff' together in categories and decide what you want to keep rather than if you should throw something away. Save
    There's a thread here about Kon Mari:

    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5385103&page=372
  • EdwardB
    EdwardB Posts: 462 Forumite
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    MUN, it is GREAT to see you feeling so strong and tackling that room is going to be cathartic, binning the cards is symbolic for binning him, now you could have torn them up or burnt them but he isn't worth it is he?

    You will also get the benefit of the use of the room as a bedroom, a place for friends to stay or whatever you want.

    I think you would have got to this place without the forum but it may have taken a while longer. I think you have been smart enough to figure most of this stuff out, you just needed some walls to bounce things off.

    You titled this thread "14 years I feel I’ve wasted, not sure how to cope"

    Well you have shown that you are strong and you CAN cope, despite his efforts to confuse you.

    I hope you can see that in those14 years you grew, you are not the same person as when you started, but that is not all to do with him. Sure you might have had some good times; he might have made you feel secure and possibly even loved for a time. However, from what you have said he made very little effort, the New York experience said it all for me and his pathetic "can't cook" nonsense.

    This is all part of your journey, you and EVW( emotionally vacant wimp) took part of the route together, but you are definitely going your separate ways, there can be no regrets because all this time you were getting closer to your destination, but he was JUST a travel companion and not a great one at that, a selfish one.

    At some point in your future you will meet someone who deserves you, they will be a giver too, they will enjoy doing things for you more than for themself, but there is no hurry because right now you in rebuild mode. Every day in every way you are getting stronger and stronger, it is really great to see and as you do this flea of a man will become so insignificant.

    Next on the agenda...

    Gym
    New Hobby
    Self-improvement books to raise self-esteem
    Dip in Education (e.g. improve PC skills - nothing serious just a top up)
    Trip plans - weekend city break with friends
    Holiday plans - Everest base camp, no maybe start with Italy Spain or Bermuda
    Self-indulgence - Massage, Beauty treatments, Reflexology, Steam & Jacuzzi
    Career planning - what would you need to get a rise or promotion

    That will keep you busy for a bit, write things down, do a word doc for each one.

    #enjoy
    Please be nice to all MoneySavers. That’s the forum motto. Remember, the prime aim is to help provide info and resources. If you don’t like someone, their situation, their question or feel they’re intruding on ‘your board’ then please bite the bullet and think of the bigger issue. :cool::)
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