Child care after separation / divorce

Kitty_Kat55 · 9 January 2018 at 12:44PM

I am about to start divorce proceeding after the breakdown of my 10 year marriage. I have 2 children 1 and 6. At the moment my ex has the children around 50% of the time, (mid week and alternate weekends)

He has a good job and seems to think that he won't have to give me any maintenance at all as he has the children some of the time. I only work part time. He is with another woman now (he was having an affair with her which is why the marriage ended). I have no problem with her being around my children when he is there, however, he has decided to avoid paying any money to me, she will look after the children on his days while he is at work. Do I have the right to refuse this as it doesn't sit comfortably with me, (she wants to train as a child-minder in the future.)

I knew that divorce was going to be tricky but I couldn't believe it would come to this. He is living with her and still paying the mortgage on the house I am living in, even that makes him think that once it's sold I can't have my share as he is paying the mortgage. He just gets in my head and I don't know what to believe any more.

Thanks in advance.

marliepanda · 9 January 2018 at 12:49PM

So you have shared custody but you don't want him to go to work and leave your child with his new partner on those days?

Is there any reason for this or is it just because you 'dont want it.'

Seems a bit unfair if she hasnt actually done anything. Surely it is a good idea for your child to make a relationship with the woman who may end up being with their father for a long period.

Comms69 · 9 January 2018 at 12:50PM

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

I am about to start divorce proceeding after the breakdown of my 10 year marriage. I have 2 children 1 and 6. At the moment my ex has the children around 50% of the time, (mid week and alternate weekends)

He has a good job and seems to think that he won't have to give me any maintenance at all as he has the children some of the time. I only work part time. He is with another woman now (he was having an affair with her which is why the marriage ended). I have no problem with her being around my children when he is there, however, he has decided to avoid paying any money to me, she will look after the children on his days while he is at work. Do I have the right to refuse this as it doesn't sit comfortably with me, (she wants to train as a child-minder in the future.)

I knew that divorce was going to be tricky but I couldn't believe it would come to this. He is living with her and still paying the mortgage on the house I am living in, even that makes him think that once it's sold I can't have my share as he is paying the mortgage. He just gets in my head and I don't know what to believe any more.

Thanks in advance.

If he has the children half the time, then maintenance would be reduced. However that shouldn't mean you limit contact obviously! Perhaps just negotiate a private arrangement?

You cannot dictate who looks after your children when it's his turn. Just like he cant with you.

The starting point is 50/50, but he is not obliged to pay the mortgage, so rocking that boat now would not be a good idea.

thorsoak · 9 January 2018 at 1:06PM

Make sure you get a solicitor with a good track record in divorce/child custody/maintenance proceedings.

Let the solicitors do the negotiating - divorce is stressful enough without arguing personally.

Kitty_Kat55 · 9 January 2018 at 1:29PM

The reason I don't want her to have my children is because she is the cause my marriage ended, between him and her my marriage was ruined and my life turned upside down. I can't stop him seeing them and I wouldn't even consider it. However, I don't want her to have that amount of control over my children. Apart from the fact that they are intending on moving out of the area which doesn't help with schooling. I do not consider her to be a suitable person to care for my children.
As it stands, he is restricting who I can invite into our house, which is jointly owned, when we first married I was earning more than him, so historically have put my share into the home, I can't work full time as I am looking after HIS children. It sounds to me as though I am getting shafted here for sure. I am seeing a solicitor next week, hopefully they can advise on the house issue.

marliepanda · 9 January 2018 at 1:35PM

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

The reason I don't want her to have my children is because she is the cause my marriage ended, between him and her my marriage was ruined and my life turned upside down. I can't stop him seeing them and I wouldn't even consider it. However, I don't want her to have that amount of control over my children. Apart from the fact that they are intending on moving out of the area which doesn't help with schooling. I do not consider her to be a suitable person to care for my children.
As it stands, he is restricting who I can invite into our house, which is jointly owned, when we first married I was earning more than him, so historically have put my share into the home, I can't work full time as I am looking after HIS children. It sounds to me as though I am getting shafted here for sure. I am seeing a solicitor next week, hopefully they can advise on the house issue.

He is the childrens father, and has as much right to assess suitability as you, sorry.

How is he restricting who comes into your house? How does he police this? How on earth could he enforce this?

Okay so when you (hopefully) feel ready and want to get a new partner, you are not allowed to let him look after the children alone. Is that what you want?

Comms69 · 9 January 2018 at 1:36PM

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

The reason I don't want her to have my children is because she is the cause my marriage ended, between him and her my marriage was ruined and my life turned upside down. - I don't know your circumstances, but often an affair is a result of issues elsewhere, not the other way round. Ultimately You have to separate your issues and the children. I can't stop him seeing them and I wouldn't even consider it. However, I don't want her to have that amount of control over my children. Apart from the fact that they are intending on moving out of the area which doesn't help with schooling. I do not consider her to be a suitable person to care for my children. - on what basis?
As it stands, he is restricting who I can invite into our house, which is jointly owned - he cant do that, just like you cant if he was to move back in with new partner. , when we first married I was earning more than him, so historically have put my share into the home, I can't work full time as I am looking after HIS children. It sounds to me as though I am getting shafted here for sure. I am seeing a solicitor next week, hopefully they can advise on the house issue.

I thought you couldn't work because you claim DLA?? Now im confused.

gettingtheresometime · 9 January 2018 at 1:45PM

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

The reason I don't want her to have my children is because she is the cause my marriage ended, between him and her my marriage was ruined and my life turned upside down. I can't stop him seeing them and I wouldn't even consider it. However, I don't want her to have that amount of control over my children. Apart from the fact that they are intending on moving out of the area which doesn't help with schooling. I do not consider her to be a suitable person to care for my children.
As it stands, he is restricting who I can invite into our house, which is jointly owned, when we first married I was earning more than him, so historically have put my share into the home, I can't work full time as I am looking after HIS children. It sounds to me as though I am getting shafted here for sure. I am seeing a solicitor next week, hopefully they can advise on the house issue.

I understand you're hurt and upset (which probably doesn't even come close to describing it) but take a step back here.

yes she is the cause of the divorce but if (and I appreciate it's a big if) she remains with him, then the children's life events (birthdays, school events, family events) are going to be a nightmare for everyone, especially the children.

What you have to remember is that he may think he can do X, Y & Z but that isn't necessarily the case - just as you can't dictate A, B & C.

For now, ignore his grand standings (easier said than done I know) and speak to your solicitor. Unless your solicitor agrees that your husband MAY be able to do something, remember it's all mind games.

copperclock · 9 January 2018 at 2:35PM

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

The reason I don't want her to have my children is because she is the cause my marriage ended, between him and her my marriage was ruined and my life turned upside down. I can't stop him seeing them and I wouldn't even consider it. However, I don't want her to have that amount of control over my children. Apart from the fact that they are intending on moving out of the area which doesn't help with schooling. I do not consider her to be a suitable person to care for my children.
As it stands, he is restricting who I can invite into our house, which is jointly owned, when we first married I was earning more than him, so historically have put my share into the home, I can't work full time as I am looking after HIS children. It sounds to me as though I am getting shafted here for sure. I am seeing a solicitor next week, hopefully they can advise on the house issue.

How will a 50/50 contact arrangement work if they move out of the area?

Do you actually want a 50/50 split with the children, or do you want them to be with you more? How was the current situation decided?

You really need to see a solicitor asap. There are often loads of 'facts' thrown around by parties in a divorce, but you need somebody professional to tell you what a judge might see as fair as a starting point (even if you end up agreeing on a different scenario).

Kitty_Kat55 · 9 January 2018 at 2:56PM

I have already met someone else. The affair began when my baby was 2 months old, (he has a history of adultery). We split in January last year, and I met someone in July this year. He is NOT allowed into my home as my ex says he can dictate because he pays the mortgage. I have texts from him saying that he will "deal with him" if he comes around. He periodically comes round when I am alone I suspect it's to see if he is there.
The police have already been involved because he went to his elderly parents house threatening the fight him.
It's all about money to him. If he chooses to move out of the area then that is his problem to deal with as I intend to remain in the same area.

With regard to the comment about DLA, I am using my mums account on here, so any previous posts, have not and should not be included or commented on.

Kitty_Kat55 · 9 January 2018 at 2:58PM

Comms69 wrote: »

I thought you couldn't work because you claim DLA?? Now im confused.

Don't be confused, it's not relevant as it's my mums MSE account. Not sure why you looked anyway???

Child care after separation / divorce

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