Money Moral Dilemma: Should we expect free childcare?

Former_MSE_Nick · 21 July 2016 at 3:46PM

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My sister-in-law and her husband have spent the last four years living almost rent-free at my in-laws, who also provided free childcare five days a week. My wife and I moved across the country thinking we'd get similar treatment, but we only get the odd half-day here and there. One of us has had to give up our job, and childcare is also more expensive here. Should we expect to be treated equally?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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scotsbob · 26 July 2016 at 11:58PM

They are already looking after other relatives kids, it's a bit unreasonable to expect them to take on any more kids at their age.

Another possibility might be they don't like you and your kids quite as much as they like your sister in law and her brood.

gainsboroughgirl · 27 July 2016 at 2:20AM

I'm not yet a grandparent but remember feeling a bit like this though I had and still do have a chronic health condition and received little help; in fact, quite the opposite and it has taken me time to come to terms with that. It really was a case of whichever bird sqwarked loudest and opened its beak most and I'm not such a bird. However, having just passed the half century mark and still dealing with grown up kids - university etc, I have to say that neither of you are 'owed' free childcare. I suspect they wish they hadn't taken on what they have and you want to play jealous sibling. Try feeling like this when you are extremely ill and still not getting help. I have taken time to come to terms with this myself but know that to turn round and do it all again must be really hard, not least when older too. I don't know how much my views on this are because I myself am still so ill and it's bound to cloud my judgement a bit, but if anything, I have probably over- compensated with my kids which was not conducive to managing my condition; they've turned out well though. I might add that if they are living there rent free as well, it may be your parents know more about this than you are privy to. I would congratulate yourself that your parents can breathe a sigh of relief that you are able to cope unaided; I know this is hard at your stage in life but if ever one of your kids is needy and the other is doing ok then you will understand the cry of life isn't fair from a totally different perspective.
So, approaching this constructively, how about offering one day, to take care of all the kids so your parents can have a day off from your sibling's kids and you may find they repay you in kind, or, that your sibling comes to his/her senses and sees they have no right to expect so much - even if it is seemingly freely given. Who knows, your sibling may return the favour ...Some grandparents find it hard to say no and most love to spend time with the grandchildren- but to do the whole parenting thing all over again....that's another matter...

lush_walrus · 27 July 2016 at 4:23AM

No there is no being owed anything. It's unfair for one child to have such a saving and the other not to but the grandparents are free to do as they wish.

My parents looked after my sisters children for two days a week over five years. They looked after mine not even one day. If I were to ask them it would have been because my sister earns less than us so should benefit.

I've never said a word nor would I it's their time and their choice.

iclayt · 27 July 2016 at 7:06AM

Oh dear. If only you'd had this important conversation with them before you moved across the country!

By offering to pay them something when they do look after the kids, to cover food, activities etc, you might find them more inclined to help out in future. It would be cheaper than professional childcare.

Lpg · 27 July 2016 at 7:40AM

No way...You had the kids so you look after them.

FBaby · 27 July 2016 at 7:42AM

scotsbob wrote: »

They are already looking after other relatives kids, it's a bit unreasonable to expect them to take on any more kids at their age.

Another possibility might be they don't like you and your kids quite as much as they like your sister in law and her brood.

That or they realised that they'd made a mistake in the first instance, feel that they had to follow through with it because it would be unfair to change their mind but pledge 'never again'!

Maybe in the in-laws are getting tired with age and what they could do 5 years ago, they couldn't do again.

cornishcheel · 27 July 2016 at 8:01AM

Why is it expected that grandparents will mind your children for free? Don't forget the pension age has gone up, so they may still have to work for another 6 years. They brought you up, probably without help and deserve to have their free time now. I have a friend who is ruled by her daughter and her 'wants' - I want you here this day and that day, never mind what my friend wants to do, and she is afraid to say no to her. She doesn't deserve this. I will willingly have my grandchildren for the odd week during school holidays, but it is not my responsibility to look after them permanently. It often seems the case that one sibling get everything while the other is pushed aside, perhaps they were the ones that had the tantrums when they were young and continue to get their own way now.:(

Rainbowchick · 27 July 2016 at 8:37AM

as a grandmother myself , no you certainly should not expect childcare free or otherwise . You should not have made the move if it was going to impact on your lifestyle so much , without first giving the grandparents some respect and actually asking them what (if anything) they would be willing or able to do for you . You will probably find that they are in a position were they don't want to let the others down now and are possibly hoping they get on their feet and move on . Grandparents are entitled to a life as well !! (incidently I work full time , as does my husband , and we also take/pick up our grandkids to school and keep them most nights and weekends , it has never been expected/paid for, we just love doing it)

elsien · 27 July 2016 at 8:42AM

General rule of life - don't expect free anything, just be appreciative of anything offered.
Now I wouldn't for a minute want to accuse the team of making up such ludicrous posts. But parents having to actually look after their own children - what is the world coming to?

I blame Brexit, myself.

fizzking · 27 July 2016 at 9:00AM

If you looked at it from the perspective of the grandparents, you might appreciate how selfish it is to expect them to subordinate their lives to you.
No matter how much they love their grandchildren, it is exhausting to care for them all week.
Also, from the way you expect free accommodation, I suspect you would want quite a lot of weekend child care, whilst you enjoy yourselves.

Money Moral Dilemma: Should we expect free childcare?

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