Real-life MMD: Birthday money mistake - should I ask for some cash back?

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Former_MSE_Debs
Former_MSE_Debs Posts: 890 Forumite
edited 23 July 2013 at 10:35AM in MoneySaving polls
Money Moral Dilemma: Birthday money mistake - should I ask for some cash back?

I was guilt-tripped into giving my goddaughter more money for her 18th birthday than I could afford because I was told she's desperate to do a TEFL course to teach kids in developing countries. She spent the money on an iPhone instead. I don’t begrudge her spending the cash on the phone, but I feel duped by her mum who persuaded me to give more than I would have. Should I tell her mum how I feel and ask for some of the money back?

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  • ironlady2022
    ironlady2022 Posts: 1,544 Forumite
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    I would definitely say something and teach her a lesson especially if you ar struggling. Tell her she can pay you back in instalments.
  • quickstepqueen
    quickstepqueen Posts: 518 Forumite
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    Personally I wouldn't ask for any money back as you chose to give extra, whether pressure was there or not. But I would mention how disappointed you are the money went on a phone & not on a teaching course as you'd been led to believe.
  • naomi_1989
    naomi_1989 Posts: 4 Newbie
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    Absolutely not - a gift is a gift, it should be given with no strings attached as to how the money should be spent. It is unfortunate that you feel mis-led by what was said, and you could express your disappointment at how this was handled, but it was your responsibility to put in boundaries regarding how much you could afford to give. Your finances are not her responsibility!
  • benedictadams
    benedictadams Posts: 926 Forumite
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    I think something should be said.

    Wonder who else gave her more money than they would have done due to her "doing TEFL"

    Maybe all get together and agree something along the lines that it was a birthday and christmas present.

    May have more effect than her mum giving you the money back
    Debt of £6300 cleared in 5 years, now ZERO
  • Dimey
    Dimey Posts: 1,434 Forumite
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    I wouldn't ask for any money back but I wouldn't respond to money requests again.

    I'd just send a card and a small gift of my own choice in future.

    Only then if asked why I'm not giving money anymore I'd explain how wounded I felt being deceived/tricked and how unfair it was that my money didn't go where it was supposedly intended and that I would have happily given an amount I could have afforded more easily if I'd been told the truth. Then that I just don't want to be duped again.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Any more posts you want to make on something you obviously know very little about?"
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  • iclayt
    iclayt Posts: 454 Forumite
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    I wouldn't ask for any money back, but I would make a point of asking her mum how the planning for the TEFL course is going, while staring at your goddaughter's iPhone which will inevitably be glued to her hand.
  • luxor4t
    luxor4t Posts: 11,125 Forumite
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    quickstepqueen wrote: »
    Personally I wouldn't ask for any money back as you chose to give extra, whether pressure was there or not. But I would mention how disappointed you are the money went on a phone & not on a teaching course as you'd been led to believe.

    ^ This .
    I can cook and sew, make flowers grow.
  • scotsbob
    scotsbob Posts: 4,632 Forumite
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    When you handed over the money it became hers to do with as she liked.

    Your next gift to her could be a donation to a third world charity in her name.
  • oldtrout
    oldtrout Posts: 129 Forumite
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    quickstepqueen wrote: »
    Personally I wouldn't ask for any money back as you chose to give extra, whether pressure was there or not. But I would mention how disappointed you are the money went on a phone & not on a teaching course as you'd been led to believe.

    Agree with the above ... you must say something now, rather than let it churn you up inside.

    How do you know it was actually 'your' money that went towards buying the phone. Maybe she had intended to get an iphone anyway and put all the rest of her birthday money to the TEFL course.

    Sounds like the girl didn't know you had been pressurised by her mum into giving more. I blame the mother, not the girl.
  • ashleyriot
    ashleyriot Posts: 89 Forumite
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    Dimey wrote: »
    I wouldn't ask for any money back but I wouldn't respond to money requests again.

    I'd just send a card and a small gift of my own choice in future.

    Only then if asked why I'm not giving money anymore I'd explain how wounded I felt being deceived/tricked and how unfair it was that my money didn't go where it was supposedly intended and that I would have happily given an amount I could have afforded more easily if I'd been told the truth. Then that I just don't want to be duped again.

    ^ This for sure ^
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