Thinking of becoming a single mum......help

I've been a single mum from pregnancy, it's blooming hard but i personally think it would be harder being in a relationship with his father.
I'm crap at relationships so am unsure how to advise really, except the fact that you should be and deserve to be happy.

SavvySue gave you good advice.

It is hard, but you will cope and you have to be strong for your Son. That man is selfish, £750 on a Bike for HIMSELF when you are in debt and have a Toddler? He sounds irresponsible.

This is a difficult decision to make for two main reasons. Emotionally and financially.

You haven't mentioned your love for this man in your posts, which possibly said a lot. From the little you have told us, your ex seems to have been carrying around a lot of baggage from his previous relationship that is still unresolved, and I wonder if this is impacting upon his behaviour towards you, and his selfishness. It would seem he became a dad quite young himself, and that is possibly where his depression, and inability to stop indulging himself comes from (he's perhaps trying to make himself feel better, in a series of situations he feels out of control in). It's a male version of retail therapy; women buy shoes and handbags, men buy cars, motorbikes and mountain bikes!

I got the feeling you have some unresolved anger regarding his abandonment of you when you were pregnant. This, whilst deplorable, is actually more common that you would think. I do believe that men have an inbuilt need to flee when something huge occurs in their life. They usually come back eventually, but it is hurtful all the same.

How would you feel if this man were to be out of your life for good? How would your son feel if his dad were to be gone from his life on a daily basis? The prognosis for quality contact doesn't seem good either, judging by the effort he's putting in with his older child. So, this decision will affect you and your son.

Looking at it from a practical point of view; why do you have to leave your current accommodation, especially if the rent is quite low at £200 p/m? Can't your BF leave instead? He is a full time worker, so getting a new rental place would be easier for him. Remember some landlords won't consider DSS tenants, so living on benefits might not be an option.

You have to ask yourself some soul searching questions, since you seem to have started to work out the practical solutions, before you make a decision.

I asked for a separation from my ex, and I took over a year to reach that decision, but had already been advised to not leave the marital home as it would jeopardise my claim for benefits and housing if I did. Making yourself homeless won't help with an application for rehousing with a local authority.

I wasn't working, and was totally reliant on my ex for support. That ended the day I asked for the separation, and I didn't get another penny after that. He finally moved out of the home after a month or so and rented himself a nice 4 bed detached, despite living alone, and not wanting the 4 children to stay overnight. I soon found myself some work to fit around the kids, which was very low paid, but was a start. I qualified for working families tax credit, and help towards council tax, along with my child benefit. Unfortunately my job was made redundant (altho' I hadn't enough service for a payout), so I went on to income support, which meant I got help with housing costs too.

Your BF has a responsibility to provide 15% of his income for each child he has fathered. Remember this will be added to your 'other income' and may impact upon your claim for benefits.

Living as a single parent and not working is not a nice situation to be in, and as you only have 1 child I would definitely recommend you try to work if you can. With your boy reaching nursery school age soon, why not start thinking ahead for what you want for yourself and your son, which might even mean you wanting to retrain or get some further qualifications, which you could get financial help for. It probably wouldn't do any harm to pop into your local DWP or Job Centre to ask what your options are.

Wishing you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do. All i would say is that you have to be 100% sure of that decision when you do make it.

How would you feel if this man were to be out of your life for good? How would your son feel if his dad were to be gone from his life on a daily basis? The prognosis for quality contact doesn't seem good either, judging by the effort he's putting in with his older child. So, this decision will affect you and your son.

An interesting point - I looked at it from the opposite viewpoint. How will you feel in 10 years time when your son is 13 and mimicking everything his Dad does? Will you be any happier or will you wish you had left?

If he already has a son then he has to pay 15% for that child and you get 15% of what is left of his net income. Whilst it will impact on your benefits you will still be left with the same amount of money.

Becoming a single parent is scary to begin with , but it also gives you a sense of independance and enables you to bring up your son the way you want rather than the way that someone else wants to control you.