Desperate

Bloody_Hell_2 · 15 January 2007 at 10:26AM

Im desperate. I’ve run up huge credits debts that my husband doesn’t know about and I can’t afford to pay them.
I’ve done this before, several times in fact, but each time I’ve gotten into deeper debt. The other times my husband has found out and helped.
It was only about 2002/2003 the last time, I ran up debts of about £8000. My husband was devastated. I took out a loan to repay all the debts and not that long after we brought our council house.
I was out of work for a while with depression and my husband didn't know I'd started spending again.
I spent without thinking again, I don’t know why or how? I don’t seem to be able to control what I’m spending – I don’t even have anything to show for it! I think I just buy things, lots of food, crap really, just to make me feel better. I don’t know if spending money is a way of coping.

Start of 2004 I had run up debts again that my husband didn’t know about, about £2000/£3000 – I don’t know how!!! Bargains from sales, a few cds /dvds – it’s not like we even go out that much!

He’d told me he would leave me if I did this again, I love him so much I couldn’t lose him, I couldn’t cope without him. So I re-arranged the loan to cover the new debts,. Then the start of 2005 I had run up more debt – store cards, credit cards, overdraft – I never add up what I owe, when I finally did it was £8000! NOT including the previous loan! I felt desperate, I’d started a new job, we were working some things out in our marriage – some stuff had happened on and off that we had to work through, I couldn’t tell him I’d messed up big time again. So I sorted another Loan, got rid of all the cards and accounts. I had to keep the only credit card that was a joint one ( it’s in my name but he has a card too, but he never uses it, but we have it for emergencies)

Why have I spent so much – it’s like I’m programmed wrong, my parents struggle because of being in debt, every one of my dads family ( his mum, 4 sisters, 5 cousins) all in debt over their head! Only difference between me and them is they don’t keep theirs secret like I do. Everyone thinks I’m doing fine!

It seems so long ago when I nearly destroyed my husband by dropping it out the blue that I had run up debts of £8000, how can I now tell him that somehow, I’ve got debts that total £27000!!! Our mortgage is only £31000!

I feel like I have a disease. I used to smoke but managed to pack up when my son was about 4, spending money feels like when I used to smoke. I don’t want to spend money, I just do it.

I love him and my children so much, how can I do this to them. My daughter is at college, she’ll be looking at universities next summer, my son will soon be 13, He’s working so well at school, he’s part of the Gift & talented programme, but I’m constantly moaning that we can’t afford to do things! But we should be able to!! We have about £2000 a month coming in, a mortgage of £216! How can I have done this!

If I knew 100% that all my debts would be paid if I died, I’d take my life, but I’m scared all I’d do is leave my wonderful husband and beautiful children with debts that aren’t theirs and they shouldn’t have to pay.

I don’t know what to do any more. I can’t sleep, I’m paying everything, I’ve not gone into arrears yet. But the amount of money I’m spending on food gets less and less, I can’t keep up the pretence much longer. I don’t want to keep lying to my husband.

Why have I ruined everything?? I always do this, what’s wrong with me?? Why can’t I be normal – why do I keep spending money I haven’t got! I’m not even spending it on anything!!

hypno06 · 15 January 2007 at 10:32AM

Hi there, and welcome - you will get a lot of support here.

The thing that jumps out to me is that you are using the spending as some sort of emotional "drug".

This means that you HAVE to address the underlying reason for your spending and it seems from your post that you don't yet know what it is.

Please go to your GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor of some type who can help you address the cause.

We can help you with the effect of your behaviour, with support, advice and suggestions, but not with the cause.

Perhaps go and get a piece of paper and write down all the reasons that you are buying stuff, and start a spending diary right now - not just writing down what you spend, but how you feel before and after spending it.

That way perhaps you will see a pattern develop which will help you solve the root cause of the spending problem.

be strong. I know it is hard. And stay posting.

whatatwit · 15 January 2007 at 11:21AM

Hi BH, first of all well done for having the courage to open up on here and put your thoughts down in writing as it were.

I totally agree with Hypno, start writing down what you spend and what it's on. Sometimes, if we feel that we are saying no, especially to our children, we try and make it up in other ways, that usually cost more money.

You do need to talk with someone, but not your husband, unless you feel that it is the right thing to do. Many on here have great support from their partners, but many don't yet wish share the truth.

Cut up the cards and throw away the catalogues. If you only have a small amount of cash in your purse, then that's all you can spend.

Be strong and keep on posting on here, it's amazing how much support you will get from the wonderful people on here.

Bloody_Hell_2 · 15 January 2007 at 11:23AM

I have an appointment tomorrow. I feel like I'm going mad/ just hanging on.

I know I have to tell my husband soon, it's not fair on him all the lying, he's such a good man. But I know, he won't stay this time, and I can't blame him. But the thought of coping on my own, I don't know if I can.
It's better even just opening up on here, though it's getting had to type through the tears!

thesaint · 15 January 2007 at 11:31AM

Before you tell your Husband, have a solution to your problem.
I am not sure that he will leave you if you say that you have a problem but are addressing it. He will be angry, but if he sees that you are taking it seriously he would have to be extremely hard to turn his back on you.

whatatwit · 15 January 2007 at 11:44AM

You have taken the next step by making an appointment, well done.

You said before that you are currently keeping up with payments, with help and guidance, you will be able to make inroads into debts and pay off some of them.

Having 'come clean' to us you will start to feel better and more positive....you can do this.

seven-day-weekend · 15 January 2007 at 12:10PM

Bloody_Hell wrote:

It's better even just opening up on here, though it's getting had to type through the tears!

Confession is good for the soul. Keep on crying until you don't need to do it any more. It's better out than in.

Then, as others have said, keep some sort of record about WHY you might be spending the money. How you feel before and after spending it, how you feel about the things you've bought with it. Things like that.

I'm glad you are going to see the Dr for some help. This will probably make it easier for your husband when you eventually tell him. If he knows that you have a problem (like an illness) but are dealing with it and that you need his help and support , he'll surely want to give you that help.

First of all though there is somehing you can do straight away, that is cut up and cancel all the cards. I realise this can be very hard for some people, so if you can't do that yet, freeze them in water in the freezer. That way you won't be able to use them without a few hours preparation, during which time you'll be able to ask yourself if you REALLY want to spend the money (you can't defrost them in the microwave as it renders them unuseable).

There are LOADS of people on here who can offer you both support and practical help. You'll soon be making great inroads into those debts!

Keep posting and don't give up!

mophead · 15 January 2007 at 12:10PM

Hi BH i just wanted to say welcome. I agree with thesaint you are going to have to share this with your DH but you need to be prepared with pan of how your going to tackle it.

You will get lots of advice and support here, from what you say i take it yours and your husbands finances are seperate? Is there a chance you DH knows about your overspending already but does'nt know how to approach you about it? I know that MY DH would know if i was LBYM. Please don't think of this as the end of the world most, of us have been there and felt like you do now, once you have your Light Bulb moment it's normally onwards and upwards. Keep posting.

Claire.x.

SSB · 15 January 2007 at 12:32PM

Hi
Welcome to the forum, although your life seems incredibly difficult at the moment, please hang on since all these matters can be resolved. It will be very difficult and there are no guarantees how your husband will react, it will be worth it for your own sake.
Do not even contemplate suicide, it will not solve anything. No insurance payment and your family will forever think why/could we have done something/why did you not share your problems? I work with vulnerable individuals, whom unfortunately sometimes commit suicide, their families are devastated even when they are aware of the existing problems.
When you take control of your finances it will change your outlook and give you lots positive things to hold onto. Finances can always be sorted, just say to yourself 'Today, I will take control'.
Good luck and keep us posted.

Bloody_Hell_2 · 15 January 2007 at 12:41PM

Thank you all so much, it does feel a little better knowing there is somebody out there.

We have 2 joint accounts, 1 where his wages are paid into and 1 where money for the bills is transfered to for Direct debits (this has an emergency overdraft of £500, which we are living in. I have a seperate account that my wages are paid into - I was suppossed to close this the last time a ran up debts but couldn't until everything was paid off by the loan i arranged. By the time this happened, i'd already started spending!

I'm so ashamed - I don't understand how or why I do this.

My account has an overdraft of £260, which I'm living in.
- even with the problems in the past, my husband leaves all the sorting of money to me. He has no idea how much I earn, how much me pay on things, he just has £100 pocket money each month and leaves me to sort the rest.
He's very trusting but also never likes to deal with things, so I think on some level he must know i've run up debts again (his worse nightmare) but won't believe or understand just how much.

I feel so overwellemed at the moment - the biggest thing is I KNOW he will leave this time, and I don't know if I can cope. I've obviously not been coping well with life with him with me, so how can I do better on my own?

mophead · 15 January 2007 at 1:00PM

- even with the problems in the past, my husband leaves all the sorting of money to me. He has no idea how much I earn, how much me pay on things, he just has £100 pocket money each month and leaves me to sort the rest.
He's very trusting but also never likes to deal with things, so I think on some level he must know i've run up debts again (his worse nightmare) but won't believe or understand just how much.

Don't feel ashamed, we've all done it otherwise we would'nt be here. Ok to start with i think you DH has been having it easy to be honest. My DH was the same prior to my LB moment he did'nt have a clue how much we paid out a month on things all he would say is i just hand over the money you deal with, so basically if it all went tits up i was my fault, which of course it did.

You both need to work as a team when it comes to household finances talk about it most days not at length, work out a budget together and stick to it this has worked for us upto now if we are left to our own devices this is when we can choose to ignore it but if we are both in it together then we have each other keeping a check on our spending.

Desperate

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